Night shift. I hate it, and there is no way around my hate. I am so thankful that Clif has been blessed with his job. It's great... and for the first time in four years, he actually enjoys what he's doing. Not a lot of people can say that.
When Clif first took this job in September 2009 - I thought it would be okay. I would miss him, but I would live. I mean, in just a few short months I would have a baby to keep me busy.
Now I get off work, go home...sit around, mope a little, eat dinner...surf the internet and go to bed alone. It stinks. :) I guess I'm just a whiner. But I don't like to be home alone (at night). And it doesn't help that we live out in the boonies.
At least I have my pistol to keep me company, just in case I have any unwanted visitors. I don't know if I mentioned it or not - but I got a pistol of my own a month or so ago. It's a little .380 semi automatic. It's nice.
I don't have my concealed permit *yet*, but plan to get it sooner than later.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Tennessee Water...
Seriously, I think there was something in the water in Tennessee this weekend (and you better believe I drank it everywhere we went.ha!) If I saw one pregnant woman, I saw a hundred. And I'm not even exaggerating. I bet we did see more than a hundred preggos on our trip.
Here I am, trying to get away from everything for a few days ... and it seems like every time I turn around there is a "baby bump" in my face.
Even the old are fertile. Not even kidding. I can't tell you how many women (that looked old enough to be my mother) were looking as if they were going to pop at any given moment.
I miss that look.
*sigh* I'm really getting anxious about the upcoming IUI. We are really praying that this will work. Praying for lots of little eggies. :) Pray with us??
Here I am, trying to get away from everything for a few days ... and it seems like every time I turn around there is a "baby bump" in my face.
Even the old are fertile. Not even kidding. I can't tell you how many women (that looked old enough to be my mother) were looking as if they were going to pop at any given moment.
I miss that look.
*sigh* I'm really getting anxious about the upcoming IUI. We are really praying that this will work. Praying for lots of little eggies. :) Pray with us??
Friday, August 13, 2010
Dear Anthem, I hate you.
Ya know - sometimes I just feel like all odds are against me. Seriously. It's like every time I have a "good" day, something else comes along and knocks me on my butt.
So imagine this. Yesterday was CD2. I had been up since 6:30am, and on my feet for most of the day... in heels. I was exhausted, mentally and physically.
I headed to Wal*Mart as soon as I got off work. I walked up to the counter in the pharmacy and gave the lady my name and date of birth. She pulls it up in the computer and was like, "Um...Clomid is out of stock.". Great. And then she adds, "and you do know that your insurance isn't covering that?" Um no, actually I didn't know that. They've covered it every other time I've ever gotten it - to my knowledge! I told her that I was just going to have to pay the $80.00 for twenty pills. I had to have them, because I start taking them TODAY. She said that the earliest that they could get them would be Saturday afternoon. That wasn't going to work, so I got the prescription back and headed to Kroger. And to call Anthem.
When I called Anthem, my call was quickly taken by a lady that could barely speak English. Great. I tell her what the deal is, she pulls up my account and within two seconds I got the "Oh your policy doesn't cover fertility drugs." Ok, I get that. But why have you been covering them for the last three months?? Oh, and for four months almost two years ago?? She seriously sat there and argued with me for ten minutes that I had never gotten this medication under my policy. Uh, yes I have. She seriously sat there and told me that I must have used a different policy, because it's never been filled under the one that I currently have with them. Funny thing. I have had this SAME policy since March 2008 when I started working where I work now. Hmmm. After all the arguing, she finally found where I had gotten Clomid under that policy before. Not once did she apologize for arguing with me. As soon as she found that she immediately told me that every time a prescription came through for Clomid it had been rejected. "EVERY SINGLE TIME". Um no, it's hasn't. She told me, "it's been rejected every time since February 2009". Really? That strikes me funny because I started taking Clomid in October of 2008. So they covered it and then just stopped?? Weird.
When I got the last Clomid filled (in June) it was 150mg, and I got it for like $23.00. Ok - so 50mg more a day is going to cost me $80.00??
I got to Kroger, puffy eyed and BLOOD red. When I get mad, I cry. And needless to say - I was furious. I walk up to the drop off window - told the lady what the deal was, offered my insurance information and told her that it probably wouldn't be covered. She looked at the prescription and was like - "uh, let me see if we have any in stock". She went to the back, and when she came out - she told me that they were completely out. Didn't even have enough to get me started for one day. She told me "it's probably back ordered". *sigh* I was ready to seriously throw in the towel at this point.
I then headed to Walgreens, last resort. When I walked back to the pharmacy, the "drop off" window was closed. Again...great. There was a lady at the counter, so I asked her if I could drop off a prescription. She said yes. Good. I told her what the deal was, that nowhere else in town had it - and that my insurance wasn't going to cover anything - but I was prepared to pay for it. She told me "I don't think I have this many, but I might have enough to get you started." Well - she checked and they had 20 pills. Thank you Lord! I was on the phone with Clif relaying everything to him, and she interrupted telling me that their price was $53.99. Thank you Jesus!
It was just ar really stressful evening. If they're not going to cover it, it's fine. But don't be so wishy washy - and don't be a jerk either.
I didn't get home until almost seven and then had to cook dinner. Needless to say, after I ate I layed on the couch - Clif rubbed my back and I was asleep before nine oclock. :)
I am SO looking forward to the weekend away in Tennessee.
So imagine this. Yesterday was CD2. I had been up since 6:30am, and on my feet for most of the day... in heels. I was exhausted, mentally and physically.
I headed to Wal*Mart as soon as I got off work. I walked up to the counter in the pharmacy and gave the lady my name and date of birth. She pulls it up in the computer and was like, "Um...Clomid is out of stock.". Great. And then she adds, "and you do know that your insurance isn't covering that?" Um no, actually I didn't know that. They've covered it every other time I've ever gotten it - to my knowledge! I told her that I was just going to have to pay the $80.00 for twenty pills. I had to have them, because I start taking them TODAY. She said that the earliest that they could get them would be Saturday afternoon. That wasn't going to work, so I got the prescription back and headed to Kroger. And to call Anthem.
When I called Anthem, my call was quickly taken by a lady that could barely speak English. Great. I tell her what the deal is, she pulls up my account and within two seconds I got the "Oh your policy doesn't cover fertility drugs." Ok, I get that. But why have you been covering them for the last three months?? Oh, and for four months almost two years ago?? She seriously sat there and argued with me for ten minutes that I had never gotten this medication under my policy. Uh, yes I have. She seriously sat there and told me that I must have used a different policy, because it's never been filled under the one that I currently have with them. Funny thing. I have had this SAME policy since March 2008 when I started working where I work now. Hmmm. After all the arguing, she finally found where I had gotten Clomid under that policy before. Not once did she apologize for arguing with me. As soon as she found that she immediately told me that every time a prescription came through for Clomid it had been rejected. "EVERY SINGLE TIME". Um no, it's hasn't. She told me, "it's been rejected every time since February 2009". Really? That strikes me funny because I started taking Clomid in October of 2008. So they covered it and then just stopped?? Weird.
When I got the last Clomid filled (in June) it was 150mg, and I got it for like $23.00. Ok - so 50mg more a day is going to cost me $80.00??
I got to Kroger, puffy eyed and BLOOD red. When I get mad, I cry. And needless to say - I was furious. I walk up to the drop off window - told the lady what the deal was, offered my insurance information and told her that it probably wouldn't be covered. She looked at the prescription and was like - "uh, let me see if we have any in stock". She went to the back, and when she came out - she told me that they were completely out. Didn't even have enough to get me started for one day. She told me "it's probably back ordered". *sigh* I was ready to seriously throw in the towel at this point.
I then headed to Walgreens, last resort. When I walked back to the pharmacy, the "drop off" window was closed. Again...great. There was a lady at the counter, so I asked her if I could drop off a prescription. She said yes. Good. I told her what the deal was, that nowhere else in town had it - and that my insurance wasn't going to cover anything - but I was prepared to pay for it. She told me "I don't think I have this many, but I might have enough to get you started." Well - she checked and they had 20 pills. Thank you Lord! I was on the phone with Clif relaying everything to him, and she interrupted telling me that their price was $53.99. Thank you Jesus!
It was just ar really stressful evening. If they're not going to cover it, it's fine. But don't be so wishy washy - and don't be a jerk either.
I didn't get home until almost seven and then had to cook dinner. Needless to say, after I ate I layed on the couch - Clif rubbed my back and I was asleep before nine oclock. :)
I am SO looking forward to the weekend away in Tennessee.
nine months.
Friday the 13th.
Nine months ago, I thought it was cool that my daughter was to be born on Friday the 13th. It freaked so many people out, but I didn't mind it one bit. That kind of stuff doesn't really bother me. :) I was just excited about getting my baby out of me and into my arms.
Nine months ago, I thought it was cool that my daughter was to be born on Friday the 13th. It freaked so many people out, but I didn't mind it one bit. That kind of stuff doesn't really bother me. :) I was just excited about getting my baby out of me and into my arms.
Somehow I guess the joke was on me.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
a glimpse of hope.
So since my appointment this morning, I've felt kinda iffy about everything that I'll be undergoing in the next few weeks. Almost like I really didn't believe that it would work - like nothing would come of it.
But then I googled IUI and started reading about it, and about the ovidrel that Dr S is going to be giving me (if there is a maturing egg) and I'm actually...(for the first time in a few months) excited. Hopeful. Looking forward to what the future may hold for Clif and me.
But then I googled IUI and started reading about it, and about the ovidrel that Dr S is going to be giving me (if there is a maturing egg) and I'm actually...(for the first time in a few months) excited. Hopeful. Looking forward to what the future may hold for Clif and me.
Pray 4 lots of Eggies!
Apparently Clif and I misunderstood. Which doesn't surprise me really, because all of this fertility stuff is greek to me. We were not looking for eggs today. To be completely honest, I'm not even really sure what today's ultrasound was for. But it's whatever.
Embarrassing situations seem to always involve me. :) I go in for my endovaginal ultrasound - CD2. So it was already a little iffy, Clif had to work...so I had to go alone. Needless to say I was not looking forward to this appointment.
So the nurse calls me, takes me back to the room and tells me to undress from the waist down and that Dr S will be right in. I do as she says, hop up on the table and wait. In walks Dr S, a nurse that I've never seen before AND a male intern. Great. I felt like a lab rat. Seriously should get a discount on that doctors visit. HA! Dr S talked the whole time. This is her right ovary, that's her left...her uterus is here. See all these cysts? That is a very strong suggestion that she has PCOS. Wow. Oh and here is her bladder, it looks like it's pretty full. HELLO, I'm right here! So that was an adventure.
I got dressed and went in his office to figure out what our game plan is. He gave me a prescription for Clomid, 200mg. When I got pregnant with Lilly, I was on 150mg during days 59. He gave me 50mg more and wants me to start them tomorrow, CD3.
My next appointment is August 24th at 8am. We're doing another endovaginal ultrasound to see if I have maturing eggs. If I do, he'll give me a shot of Ovidrel to force my body to release the egg and ovulate. Two days after that we'll go back for the IUI.
Oddly enough, they don't keep the Ovidrel in the office so he had to give me a prescription for that as well. But he said that it would take a long time to get it at CVS or Wal*mart (because they don't keep it there) so it was called in to some mail order pharmacy. Weird. So the shot that is going to make me drop my egg is coming via UPS or FEDEX. Love it.
Just wanted to update you all and ask you to continue praying about our little eggie(s). Pray that if it be God's will that this round of IUI would be not only our first, but also our last.
Embarrassing situations seem to always involve me. :) I go in for my endovaginal ultrasound - CD2. So it was already a little iffy, Clif had to work...so I had to go alone. Needless to say I was not looking forward to this appointment.
So the nurse calls me, takes me back to the room and tells me to undress from the waist down and that Dr S will be right in. I do as she says, hop up on the table and wait. In walks Dr S, a nurse that I've never seen before AND a male intern. Great. I felt like a lab rat. Seriously should get a discount on that doctors visit. HA! Dr S talked the whole time. This is her right ovary, that's her left...her uterus is here. See all these cysts? That is a very strong suggestion that she has PCOS. Wow. Oh and here is her bladder, it looks like it's pretty full. HELLO, I'm right here! So that was an adventure.
I got dressed and went in his office to figure out what our game plan is. He gave me a prescription for Clomid, 200mg. When I got pregnant with Lilly, I was on 150mg during days 59. He gave me 50mg more and wants me to start them tomorrow, CD3.
My next appointment is August 24th at 8am. We're doing another endovaginal ultrasound to see if I have maturing eggs. If I do, he'll give me a shot of Ovidrel to force my body to release the egg and ovulate. Two days after that we'll go back for the IUI.
Oddly enough, they don't keep the Ovidrel in the office so he had to give me a prescription for that as well. But he said that it would take a long time to get it at CVS or Wal*mart (because they don't keep it there) so it was called in to some mail order pharmacy. Weird. So the shot that is going to make me drop my egg is coming via UPS or FEDEX. Love it.
Just wanted to update you all and ask you to continue praying about our little eggie(s). Pray that if it be God's will that this round of IUI would be not only our first, but also our last.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
finally...
Well, apparently AF had forgave me our past differences and decided she'd give me another try! Thank you Jesus. :)
I'm in pain... a lot of it. Worse than the last time - but I am welcoming it! I went to Wal*Mart, got some pain medication and I'm good to go!
Called Dr.S this morning (my RE) and have my appointment tomorrow morning at 8:30 for the ultrasound. Though I'm not looking forward to THAT particular part of this journey, I am anxious about the other parts that are to come.
Please pray with us that the IUI done this cycle will work, and that we won't have to do it again!!!! :) Thanks to all who have been praying and will continue to do so. Y'all are the best.
I'm in pain... a lot of it. Worse than the last time - but I am welcoming it! I went to Wal*Mart, got some pain medication and I'm good to go!
Called Dr.S this morning (my RE) and have my appointment tomorrow morning at 8:30 for the ultrasound. Though I'm not looking forward to THAT particular part of this journey, I am anxious about the other parts that are to come.
Please pray with us that the IUI done this cycle will work, and that we won't have to do it again!!!! :) Thanks to all who have been praying and will continue to do so. Y'all are the best.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
**what if**
What if... we had gotten to the hospital sooner?
What if... the doctors had done a ultrasound on November 12th?
What if... the induction was scheduled for a week (even a day) sooner?
What if... I had been put on blood pressure medication?
What if... bedrest had been insisted on at an earlier date?
What if... I had asked the doctor more questions?
What if... Lillian Joy Smith didn't die that day?
What if... Lillian Joy Smith lived?
What if??
Dear AF...
Dear AF (aka: Aunt Flo),
I know that we haven't gotten along in the past. Something must have happened back when I was thirteen years old, as I've noticed that you don't like to come visit anymore...unless forced by the doctors.
Today I'm desperately asking you to put the past behind us and come and visit. I know, weird. No one really likes you...and I know that I've even said that I've hated you in the past...but I'm asking you now. Please come and visit me today. I actually am really looking forward to seeing you this month.
You arriving means that I get to go meet with Dr S again. I'll have my ultrasound (another much hated thing) and get to hear if I'm producing little eggies.
Please please please come. :)
Anxiously awaiting your arrival,
Desiree
I know that we haven't gotten along in the past. Something must have happened back when I was thirteen years old, as I've noticed that you don't like to come visit anymore...unless forced by the doctors.
Today I'm desperately asking you to put the past behind us and come and visit. I know, weird. No one really likes you...and I know that I've even said that I've hated you in the past...but I'm asking you now. Please come and visit me today. I actually am really looking forward to seeing you this month.
You arriving means that I get to go meet with Dr S again. I'll have my ultrasound (another much hated thing) and get to hear if I'm producing little eggies.
Please please please come. :)
Anxiously awaiting your arrival,
Desiree
Monday, August 9, 2010
I must say...
These last few weeks have been nice. Drama free even. :) I'm loving it. I am I living drama free you ask?? Get ready for this ladies... by listening to my husband.
Uh well at least abiding by his wishes. Which, they are in my best interest...so I won't complain. :) A few weeks ago I was having a really hard time "swallowing" some things that I'd recently been made aware of. These things were really bumming me out (and still do if I think about them too much).
It's when these things were really starting to get me down that Clif told me that he wanted me to stay away from a certain facebook account, and blogger account. And now that I have, I feel so much better. I can focus on me....and Clif, and our lives...and our journey. And I don't have to worry about other people trying to hurt me. :) So nice...
Uh well at least abiding by his wishes. Which, they are in my best interest...so I won't complain. :) A few weeks ago I was having a really hard time "swallowing" some things that I'd recently been made aware of. These things were really bumming me out (and still do if I think about them too much).
It's when these things were really starting to get me down that Clif told me that he wanted me to stay away from a certain facebook account, and blogger account. And now that I have, I feel so much better. I can focus on me....and Clif, and our lives...and our journey. And I don't have to worry about other people trying to hurt me. :) So nice...
Aleisha...I remember.
Aleisha,
I've been trying for quite some time now to find a way to say thank you. I've said I would get a card - but haven't. Maybe I'd thank you in person? No, to hard. So a letter it is.
I remember Friday November 13th like it was yesterday, I can remember the heartbreak,agony,pain...and relive it most days. I can still see the urgency in the nurses eyes when they were looking for Lilly's heartbeat, I still hear Dr G tell me there was no heartbeat. I can recall Clif's screams escaping his lips - those screams still haunt me. I remember waking up from surgery hoping, praying that it was all a dream. One look into Clif's eyes and I knew this was/is my reality.
I remember so many things about that day. All the phone calls, visits, cards...and most importantly the prayers offered up all over the world. There were so many tears that day, so many questions. The tears remain today, almost nine months later - and most of the questions still go unanswered.
Though many details of that day are forever burned in my heart and mind - many of them are not. There are chunks of that cool November day that I do not remember. And several of the forgotten pieces have recently started coming back to me. Moments that were a blur are now clear,sharp...vivid even.
One of those moments...memories, is of you. I remember you came to see me that evening. And I knew then (and know now) that you would have been there sooner if you could have been.
I sit here today - and I can see a clear picture of you, me and Clif in the hospital room. I see you walking in, meeting my gaze - matching my tears almost tear for tear. You brought me chocolate, Dove and Lindor. My favorites. You made some comment about how chocolate always helps. I remember you hugged me and I latched on for dear life. In that moment every past problem between us disappeared. I remember you smoothed my hair and kissed my hands. Aleisha, I remember most that you were there. After almost a year of not speaking - you were there for me.
But there is more...
When you arrived at my room, the nurse had just gone to get Lilly for us. It was the second, and last time we saw her while at the hospital. I wanted you to stay, and you did. How brave. You stayed by my side as the nurse wheeled in Lillian, wrapped in her Gigi-made quilt, all bundled in her hospital bassinet. You watched as the nurse handed me my precious baby girl. I remember tears falling. I remember you saying she was beautiful. and then - you asked if you could hold her.
The nurses had held her, Clif and I held her, even our parents held her. Never in a million years did I think someone would ask to hold her. Who would want to hold a baby who was already gone??
I can't imagine the things that must have been going through your mind. Trinity was only what? Four months old? Almost five months? You were the mommy of a precious baby girl - how hard it must have been to hold the daughter of your best friend. Her daughter that was born sleeping. But you did. I remember that to. You cradled her in your arms as tears fell all around the room.
I will never be able to express to you how much that meant to me - and still means to me.
So thank you. Thank you for not being afraid. Thank you for holding my Lilly. Thank you for loving me.
I'll love you longer than forever...
~Des
Sunday, August 8, 2010
bliss...or something like it.
Five years ago today, Clif and I said three life changing words to one another. "I love you". I was 17...he was 20. My parents weren't too excited about the idea of us dating. :) But I knew that it was for real. I knew that this was the man that I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I was head over hills.
And now, five years later...I still am. Head over hills that is. Of course, like any other couple, we have our ups and downs. We aren't perfect. But I truly believe that God made us for one another.
I love you Clif! With all of my heart... and thank you so much for giving me the best five years of my life.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
should I care??
This morning when I woke up, I decided that it was time to start Lilly's scrapbook. I've been reading Hannah's blog : : here : : and it's got me itching to start on my own scrapbook that I've been putting off.
I've had the stuff since January...or at least most of it. So I'm ready to get started. I just have to find and dig out all my scrap booking stuff. :) Should be something to keep me occupied for a few weeks at least. I welcome anything that'll keep my mind off of reality for a while.
Clif's working today and my mom is meeting me out for lunch. After that, I think I am going to run to Michael's or AC Moore and look for some scrap booking stickers. I may just hang out here in town and get a few things to get started with and head over to the craft stores another day. Who knows. It'll depend on what I feel like.
On to the title of this post. Should I care??
In order to begin my scrapbook, I need pictures. And lots of them. Starting out with the positive pregnancy test, belly shots, u/s pictures, pictures that the hospital took, and pictures that were taken of us holding Lilly. I also want to include a picture of her headstone, and various other things.
But in order to have all these prints made, I need to go somewhere public. Will I offend passer by's while I'm choosing which ones to get printed?? Will I make the person in the photo lab uncomfortable preparing pictures of my dead baby??
I must say that in most pictures, Lilly looks like any other baby. But there are some that are "iffy". What about the ones of Clif & me holding her? I mean...you can clearly see that something is wrong. I mean we are crying, we look like...well, crap. Maybe if I print them in black & white??
Should I care? I mean ... this is all I have left of my daughter. Pictures, the tshirt & cap that she wore when she was born. A ring that she wore in the pictures the hospital took... a clipping of her hair. Her footprints. That's all I have. Should I worry about making someone uncomfortable???
It'd be different if we had known something bad was going to happen. We could have had a photographer planned. We could have had professional pictures taken, pictures that would have been much better than the ones we have. But on November 13th,2009... I knew nothing of stillbirth. I had never heard of the "Baby Loss Mama's" community. I had no clue that there were photographers that would even think about taking pictures of the deceased. Nobody had ever told me that it was acceptable to take pictures of a stillborn baby. I wasn't prepared. I never thought it would happen to me...to us...to Lilly.
I've had the stuff since January...or at least most of it. So I'm ready to get started. I just have to find and dig out all my scrap booking stuff. :) Should be something to keep me occupied for a few weeks at least. I welcome anything that'll keep my mind off of reality for a while.
Clif's working today and my mom is meeting me out for lunch. After that, I think I am going to run to Michael's or AC Moore and look for some scrap booking stickers. I may just hang out here in town and get a few things to get started with and head over to the craft stores another day. Who knows. It'll depend on what I feel like.
On to the title of this post. Should I care??
In order to begin my scrapbook, I need pictures. And lots of them. Starting out with the positive pregnancy test, belly shots, u/s pictures, pictures that the hospital took, and pictures that were taken of us holding Lilly. I also want to include a picture of her headstone, and various other things.
But in order to have all these prints made, I need to go somewhere public. Will I offend passer by's while I'm choosing which ones to get printed?? Will I make the person in the photo lab uncomfortable preparing pictures of my dead baby??
I must say that in most pictures, Lilly looks like any other baby. But there are some that are "iffy". What about the ones of Clif & me holding her? I mean...you can clearly see that something is wrong. I mean we are crying, we look like...well, crap. Maybe if I print them in black & white??
Should I care? I mean ... this is all I have left of my daughter. Pictures, the tshirt & cap that she wore when she was born. A ring that she wore in the pictures the hospital took... a clipping of her hair. Her footprints. That's all I have. Should I worry about making someone uncomfortable???
It'd be different if we had known something bad was going to happen. We could have had a photographer planned. We could have had professional pictures taken, pictures that would have been much better than the ones we have. But on November 13th,2009... I knew nothing of stillbirth. I had never heard of the "Baby Loss Mama's" community. I had no clue that there were photographers that would even think about taking pictures of the deceased. Nobody had ever told me that it was acceptable to take pictures of a stillborn baby. I wasn't prepared. I never thought it would happen to me...to us...to Lilly.
But it did.
Friday, August 6, 2010
ABC's of Desiree
A- My AIR CONDITIONER is set on: 75
B- My BEDROOM theme is: black & white/pink w/ flowers. :) It's not as complicated as it sounds.
C- The CAR in the driveway is:Ford F150 fx4 & Dodge Avenger
D- My DESK looks:I don't have a desk :(
E- The EXACT time I wake up daily is: an hour before I have to be at work. Normally around 7
F- The FIRST thing I wash in the shower is: my hair.
G- My GARAGE is filled with: :( we don't have a garage. But our shed is full of fishing & camping gear.
H- My HOUSE is: almost clean :)
I- If you peeked INSIDE my bedroom you'd see: a mess lol
J- My favorite JUICE is: ruby red grapefruit juice.
K- The best part of my KITCHEN is: the coffee maker...even if it has been decaf for the last eight months.
L- The LAST person who visited my home was: my mommy. last night for dinner.
M- The last piece of MAIL for me was: Carilion. Gotta love doctor bills.
N- My NEIGHBORS think: I drive too fast.
O- If you OPENED my fridge you'd see: leftovers, cherry crush, and A1. :) there is way too much stuff to list.
P- My last house PARTY was: Ummm...?? Back in May clif had a bunch of buddies over for a UFC fight. Does that count??
Q- A QUICK meal I like to fix is: Tilapia & asparagus.
R- My favorite ROOM of the house is: the living room :)
S- The SHAMPOO brand I use is: currently it's from Bath & Body Works
T- My largest TELEVISION is: ??? big.
U- UNDER my bed you will find: containers of winter clothes.
V- The last time I VACUUMED was: I don't vacuum very often, there is hardly any carpet.
W- Looking out my WINDOW I see: deer :)
X- I wish I had extra: million dollars lol :)
Y- My YARD is: grown up, and needs mowing. but it won't stop raining!!!
Z- ZZZZZZZ My bedtime is: not as early as I would like.
B- My BEDROOM theme is: black & white/pink w/ flowers. :) It's not as complicated as it sounds.
C- The CAR in the driveway is:Ford F150 fx4 & Dodge Avenger
D- My DESK looks:I don't have a desk :(
E- The EXACT time I wake up daily is: an hour before I have to be at work. Normally around 7
F- The FIRST thing I wash in the shower is: my hair.
G- My GARAGE is filled with: :( we don't have a garage. But our shed is full of fishing & camping gear.
H- My HOUSE is: almost clean :)
I- If you peeked INSIDE my bedroom you'd see: a mess lol
J- My favorite JUICE is: ruby red grapefruit juice.
K- The best part of my KITCHEN is: the coffee maker...even if it has been decaf for the last eight months.
L- The LAST person who visited my home was: my mommy. last night for dinner.
M- The last piece of MAIL for me was: Carilion. Gotta love doctor bills.
N- My NEIGHBORS think: I drive too fast.
O- If you OPENED my fridge you'd see: leftovers, cherry crush, and A1. :) there is way too much stuff to list.
P- My last house PARTY was: Ummm...?? Back in May clif had a bunch of buddies over for a UFC fight. Does that count??
Q- A QUICK meal I like to fix is: Tilapia & asparagus.
R- My favorite ROOM of the house is: the living room :)
S- The SHAMPOO brand I use is: currently it's from Bath & Body Works
T- My largest TELEVISION is: ??? big.
U- UNDER my bed you will find: containers of winter clothes.
V- The last time I VACUUMED was: I don't vacuum very often, there is hardly any carpet.
W- Looking out my WINDOW I see: deer :)
X- I wish I had extra: million dollars lol :)
Y- My YARD is: grown up, and needs mowing. but it won't stop raining!!!
Z- ZZZZZZZ My bedtime is: not as early as I would like.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
(in)fertility lingo
Just in case some of you get as confused as I do with all of this fertility abbreviation lingo :) Of course, even with the definitions I'm still in the dark with a lot of these...
2WW Two-week wait
A/F Aunt Flo (your period)
AH Assisted hatching
AI Artificial insemination
AIH Artificial insemination by husband
ART Assisted reproductive technique
BBT Basal body temperature
BCP Birth control pills
BD Baby dance (sex)
BET Blastocyst embryo transfer
BFN Big fat negative
BFP Big fat positive
BICA British Infertility Counselling Association
CBAVD Congenital bilateral absence of the vas deferens
CD Cycle day
CM Cervical mucus
CP Cervical position
CVS Chorionic villae sampling
D&C Dilation and curettage
DE Donor eggs
DI Donor insemination
DPO Days post-ovulation
DPR Days post-retrieval
DPT Days post-transfer
EC Egg collection
EDD Estimated due date
ENDO Endometriosis
EPO Evening primrose oil
ERPC Evacuation of retained products of conception
ET Embryo transfer
EWCM Eggwhite cervical mucus
FER Frozen embryo replacement
FET Frozen embryo transfer
FP Follicular phase
FSH Follicle stimulating hormone
GIFT Gamete intra-fallopian transfer
H/B Heartbeat
HCG Human chorionic gonadotropin
HFEA Human Fertilisation & Embryology Authority
HPT Home pregnancy test
HRT Hormone replacement therapy
HSC Hysteroscopy
HSG Hysterosalpinogram
ICSI Intra-cytoplasmic sperm injection
I N UK Infertility Network UK
IPS Imaginary pregnancy symptoms
IUI Intra-uterine insemination
IVF In vitro fertilisation
LAH Laser assisted hatching
LAP Laparoscopy
LH Luteinising hormone
LMP Last menstrual period
LP Luteal phase
LPD Luteal phase defect
MA Miscarriage association
M/C Miscarriage
MESA Microsurgical epididymal sperm aspiration
M/W Midwife
NIAC National Infertility Awareness Campaign
OI Ovulation induction
OV Ovulation
OHSS Ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome
OPK Ovulation predictor kit
PCO Polycystic ovaries
PCOS Polycystic ovary syndrome
PCT Post-coital test
PESA Percutaneous epididymal sperm aspiration
PG Pregnant
PUPOPregnant Until Proven Otherwise
PI Primary infertility
PID Pelvic inflammatory disease
PMS Pre-menstrual syndrome
POF Premature ovarian failure
SA Sperm analysis
SANDS Stillbirth and Neonatal Death Society
S/B Stillbirth
SI Secondary infertility
STD Sexually transmitted disease
TESA Testicular sperm aspiration
TET Tubal embryo transfer
TTC Trying to conceive
U/S Ultrasound
ZIFT Zygote intra-fallopian transfer
2WW Two-week wait
A/F Aunt Flo (your period)
AH Assisted hatching
AI Artificial insemination
AIH Artificial insemination by husband
ART Assisted reproductive technique
BBT Basal body temperature
BCP Birth control pills
BD Baby dance (sex)
BET Blastocyst embryo transfer
BFN Big fat negative
BFP Big fat positive
BICA British Infertility Counselling Association
CBAVD Congenital bilateral absence of the vas deferens
CD Cycle day
CM Cervical mucus
CP Cervical position
CVS Chorionic villae sampling
D&C Dilation and curettage
DE Donor eggs
DI Donor insemination
DPO Days post-ovulation
DPR Days post-retrieval
DPT Days post-transfer
EC Egg collection
EDD Estimated due date
ENDO Endometriosis
EPO Evening primrose oil
ERPC Evacuation of retained products of conception
ET Embryo transfer
EWCM Eggwhite cervical mucus
FER Frozen embryo replacement
FET Frozen embryo transfer
FP Follicular phase
FSH Follicle stimulating hormone
GIFT Gamete intra-fallopian transfer
H/B Heartbeat
HCG Human chorionic gonadotropin
HFEA Human Fertilisation & Embryology Authority
HPT Home pregnancy test
HRT Hormone replacement therapy
HSC Hysteroscopy
HSG Hysterosalpinogram
ICSI Intra-cytoplasmic sperm injection
I N UK Infertility Network UK
IPS Imaginary pregnancy symptoms
IUI Intra-uterine insemination
IVF In vitro fertilisation
LAH Laser assisted hatching
LAP Laparoscopy
LH Luteinising hormone
LMP Last menstrual period
LP Luteal phase
LPD Luteal phase defect
MA Miscarriage association
M/C Miscarriage
MESA Microsurgical epididymal sperm aspiration
M/W Midwife
NIAC National Infertility Awareness Campaign
OI Ovulation induction
OV Ovulation
OHSS Ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome
OPK Ovulation predictor kit
PCO Polycystic ovaries
PCOS Polycystic ovary syndrome
PCT Post-coital test
PESA Percutaneous epididymal sperm aspiration
PG Pregnant
PUPOPregnant Until Proven Otherwise
PI Primary infertility
PID Pelvic inflammatory disease
PMS Pre-menstrual syndrome
POF Premature ovarian failure
SA Sperm analysis
SANDS Stillbirth and Neonatal Death Society
S/B Stillbirth
SI Secondary infertility
STD Sexually transmitted disease
TESA Testicular sperm aspiration
TET Tubal embryo transfer
TTC Trying to conceive
U/S Ultrasound
ZIFT Zygote intra-fallopian transfer
Desiree's Soapbox take #1
Yesterday wasn't the greatest of days. Weather started off kinda dreary...and that's just how I felt. I figured since I was already in a funk that I should go ahead and get new flowers and take them to the cemetery. I have to work this coming up Saturday, which means that I had yesterday afternoon off.
Clif met me for lunch, and then we headed to a local craft store to pick up flowers before heading over to the cemetery.
I truly believe that people are oblivious to pain and death. People take life for granted, not even stopping to think twice when it may be their time... or the time of someone they love.
Maybe I was just in a bad mood. Maybe it was because I was shopping for flowers to go on the grave of my dead infant daughter. I don't know what it was - but it just hit me hard.
Here Clif and I are searching for the perfect bunch of flowers to honor our precious Lillian, and people are bustling around us - practically running us over. Always in a hurry...
I know that they didn't know what we were there for. How could they know that nine months ago the two young people they were running all over had experienced the worst thing that had ever happened to them?? How could they know that our child was dead?
Like I said, people are just in a hurry these days. They don't take time to stop and really think about things. To think about what the person in front of or beside of you might be going through. Are people that work with the public not entitled to have a bad day??
I try to keep that in mind when encountering situations in public life. I might be in a line at the grocery store that's a mile long - but what about the cashier? What if she just found out that someone close to her died?? Or, what if she didn't have enough money to make ends meet the last few months and got evicted from her home?? What if she needs to be with a sick loved one... but can't because she'll lose her job?? It could be the anniversary of the death of someone she loves. It could be the anniversary of the day that she had to say goodbye to her child forever.
People are just so self centered sometimes. Got to watch out for number one, right?? Well in my opinion they need to slow down and smell the hypothetical roses. Chill out and look around at the people around them - and take into account that maybe they are going through a life changing situation. Realize that we all are human. Maybe even care a little bit.
And one more little thing that urks me, since I'm already letting my opinions be known.
It's been (almost) nine months since I was dubbed with the title, "BLM". That's right. I am suffering loss because my baby died. I will never ever ever take the subject of pregnancy lightly, nor will I ever take the life of a child for granted. If the Lord blesses us with another child, I will thank Him daily for that blessing. I already pray that if He gives us another child that He will protect him/her as they spend their nine months inside me, that He allow me to give birth to a LIVE baby...and that He will protect that child as he/she grows.
My issue here is - I can't tell you how many happy-go-lucky oblivious pregnant women I see in a weeks time. They walk around, bellies out... never even thinking that something could happen to their baby. That's only something that happens in the movies, or to people that they don't even know. That kind of heartache could never touch their lives.
I wish there was something that I could do to guarantee that there would never be another baby that dies. But I can't. And I would never wish my pain on anyone. EVER.
And I wish there was something that I could do to make these girls aware. To tell them to take every precaution. To listen to every little thing that their doctors tell them to do. To never do anything stupid that would put their baby's life in danger.
And then you have these little teenie boppers that go out and get pregnant, and they think it's "cool". The only thing they really care about is if their body will ever look the same. Well, I've got news for ya. No - it'll never be the same. Now get over yourself and on to your baby. They could care less that they're pregnant... or at least that's the way a lot of them come across.
I'm not mad, I'm not bitter... I'm just annoyed. And hurting. And well, it just hasn't been good these last few days.
Maybe it's because AF is getting ready to come and visit me with all of her loveliness? Gotta love medically induced visits of AF... they make life SO much better. NOT. :)
Please excuse me for my fowl mood. I didn't even really realize I was in one until I started typing :)
Okay I'm done whining now. Sorry about that little soapbox episode. :)
Clif met me for lunch, and then we headed to a local craft store to pick up flowers before heading over to the cemetery.
I truly believe that people are oblivious to pain and death. People take life for granted, not even stopping to think twice when it may be their time... or the time of someone they love.
Maybe I was just in a bad mood. Maybe it was because I was shopping for flowers to go on the grave of my dead infant daughter. I don't know what it was - but it just hit me hard.
Here Clif and I are searching for the perfect bunch of flowers to honor our precious Lillian, and people are bustling around us - practically running us over. Always in a hurry...
I know that they didn't know what we were there for. How could they know that nine months ago the two young people they were running all over had experienced the worst thing that had ever happened to them?? How could they know that our child was dead?
Like I said, people are just in a hurry these days. They don't take time to stop and really think about things. To think about what the person in front of or beside of you might be going through. Are people that work with the public not entitled to have a bad day??
I try to keep that in mind when encountering situations in public life. I might be in a line at the grocery store that's a mile long - but what about the cashier? What if she just found out that someone close to her died?? Or, what if she didn't have enough money to make ends meet the last few months and got evicted from her home?? What if she needs to be with a sick loved one... but can't because she'll lose her job?? It could be the anniversary of the death of someone she loves. It could be the anniversary of the day that she had to say goodbye to her child forever.
People are just so self centered sometimes. Got to watch out for number one, right?? Well in my opinion they need to slow down and smell the hypothetical roses. Chill out and look around at the people around them - and take into account that maybe they are going through a life changing situation. Realize that we all are human. Maybe even care a little bit.
And one more little thing that urks me, since I'm already letting my opinions be known.
It's been (almost) nine months since I was dubbed with the title, "BLM". That's right. I am suffering loss because my baby died. I will never ever ever take the subject of pregnancy lightly, nor will I ever take the life of a child for granted. If the Lord blesses us with another child, I will thank Him daily for that blessing. I already pray that if He gives us another child that He will protect him/her as they spend their nine months inside me, that He allow me to give birth to a LIVE baby...and that He will protect that child as he/she grows.
My issue here is - I can't tell you how many happy-go-lucky oblivious pregnant women I see in a weeks time. They walk around, bellies out... never even thinking that something could happen to their baby. That's only something that happens in the movies, or to people that they don't even know. That kind of heartache could never touch their lives.
I wish there was something that I could do to guarantee that there would never be another baby that dies. But I can't. And I would never wish my pain on anyone. EVER.
And I wish there was something that I could do to make these girls aware. To tell them to take every precaution. To listen to every little thing that their doctors tell them to do. To never do anything stupid that would put their baby's life in danger.
And then you have these little teenie boppers that go out and get pregnant, and they think it's "cool". The only thing they really care about is if their body will ever look the same. Well, I've got news for ya. No - it'll never be the same. Now get over yourself and on to your baby. They could care less that they're pregnant... or at least that's the way a lot of them come across.
I'm not mad, I'm not bitter... I'm just annoyed. And hurting. And well, it just hasn't been good these last few days.
Maybe it's because AF is getting ready to come and visit me with all of her loveliness? Gotta love medically induced visits of AF... they make life SO much better. NOT. :)
Please excuse me for my fowl mood. I didn't even really realize I was in one until I started typing :)
Okay I'm done whining now. Sorry about that little soapbox episode. :)
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
~Pray Without Ceasing~
It's been a while since I did a post sharing prayer requests, so here it goes. Would you please join me in praying for...
** A little girl, "A" who has bone cancer. She is nine years old and already had a hip replacement. :( Pray that if God sees fit, that she would be healed.
** Joe, as he continues to heal from his collar bone surgery. Pray that he would have a quick recovery, and that everything would heal completely so that he can return to work.
** My mother in law, "S" who found out yesterday that she tested positive for lupus. She is scheduled to see a specialist. Pray that her case may not be as severe as some, and that there may be medications to help her. She has several health problems on top of this new found one, including severe diabetes.
** Pray for Clif's right knee. It's been acting up, causing pretty bad pain when he walks. He's on his feet a LOT at work. When you touch it as he bends, you can feel it grinding. Needless to say he will need to go to the doctor :(
** My friend "A" who is a stay at home mom, looking for a couple of kids to watch - to make ends meet. Pray that God would send two (well behaved) children her way.
** My dad "S" who is having some colon issues. He's had problems for years, but he recently had a pretty bad flare up.
** Several pregnant ladies that I know. Pray that their pregnancies will go smoothly, and that they would deliver happy healthy babies.
** Mrs.L, an elderly lady in our church. She has been out for a few weeks now, and she had been in the hospital. :( They were putting her on oxygen at night to help her breath. She had a pretty bad case of pneumonia several months back.
** "J", Clif's step dad. For his salvation.
** All my fellow BLM's that are on the road of TTC again, myself included.
** Clif & myself, as we start this cycle..and begin seeing Dr.S on a more regular basis. Pray that this IUI would be the only one that I need. That it would take, and that I would become pregnant even this month.
** "R" & "A" who lost their baby several months ago at 20 weeks. I haven't talked to them, but I know how they must still be aching inside. Pray for peace and comfort.
** Lastly, please continue to pray for the healing of our hearts. I know that we will never be the same, and that our hearts will never be whole again....but as November is drawing near - my heart begins to ache just like it did almost nine months ago.
Thanks for all of your prayers. You guys are awesome!
** A little girl, "A" who has bone cancer. She is nine years old and already had a hip replacement. :( Pray that if God sees fit, that she would be healed.
** Joe, as he continues to heal from his collar bone surgery. Pray that he would have a quick recovery, and that everything would heal completely so that he can return to work.
** My mother in law, "S" who found out yesterday that she tested positive for lupus. She is scheduled to see a specialist. Pray that her case may not be as severe as some, and that there may be medications to help her. She has several health problems on top of this new found one, including severe diabetes.
** Pray for Clif's right knee. It's been acting up, causing pretty bad pain when he walks. He's on his feet a LOT at work. When you touch it as he bends, you can feel it grinding. Needless to say he will need to go to the doctor :(
** My friend "A" who is a stay at home mom, looking for a couple of kids to watch - to make ends meet. Pray that God would send two (well behaved) children her way.
** My dad "S" who is having some colon issues. He's had problems for years, but he recently had a pretty bad flare up.
** Several pregnant ladies that I know. Pray that their pregnancies will go smoothly, and that they would deliver happy healthy babies.
** Mrs.L, an elderly lady in our church. She has been out for a few weeks now, and she had been in the hospital. :( They were putting her on oxygen at night to help her breath. She had a pretty bad case of pneumonia several months back.
** "J", Clif's step dad. For his salvation.
** All my fellow BLM's that are on the road of TTC again, myself included.
** Clif & myself, as we start this cycle..and begin seeing Dr.S on a more regular basis. Pray that this IUI would be the only one that I need. That it would take, and that I would become pregnant even this month.
** "R" & "A" who lost their baby several months ago at 20 weeks. I haven't talked to them, but I know how they must still be aching inside. Pray for peace and comfort.
** Lastly, please continue to pray for the healing of our hearts. I know that we will never be the same, and that our hearts will never be whole again....but as November is drawing near - my heart begins to ache just like it did almost nine months ago.
Thanks for all of your prayers. You guys are awesome!
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
disgusted.
This is what I'm feeling right now. Seriously feel like I am going to puke. Either that or blow a gasket. Wanna know what's got me in a tizzy??
I've noticed that there is a strong trend among religious right fanatics to set up blogshrines to their stillborn babies or anencephalic, dying babies. I'm not kidding. I'm not sure what it is, but I'm guessing it's a combination of: "pro-life" (anti-choice) fervor, the belief that a woman's duty is to be an incubator, religious delusion (and thus an incapability of coming to terms with natural death/dying), poor emotional coping skills, and the chance to become a "martyr mom" among fundies. I think that is why these women SNAP when they realize their pregnancy is not viable and they decide to carry to term any way to show off their martyrdom. And there is mental illness involved. I'm not the sanest person in the bunch, but I feel sorry for Ginny and her daughter, as there is obviously a lot of psychological instability between them. But what can you do?
Sigh. And people WONDER why I'm such a misanthrope.
and back to me...
It's so hard to remain Christ-like when you have people like this in the world. People who don't have anything better to do with their time than to hurt others. To belittle our hurt, and the way that we deal with it.
I guess this "Emily" (< if that's really her name??) would love the faces of loss, faces of hope, huh? A site that recognizes not only stillbirth but miscarriage and infant loss? How dare they.
I'm going to pray that this (angry?) person finds the peace that she needs in this world. That God would dissolve the anger that she has in her heart, and the He would protect her from every experiencing what we babyloss moms cope with on a daily, hourly, minute basis. God bless Emily.
Really?? I guess the original post has been deleted? I just can't even begin to tell you how absolutely insane this is.
In the nine months that I have been a member of the babyloss community I have not personally ran into someone who has attacked me. The closest that I can come to this attack is two people telling me that it's been X amount of time and I need to get over it and move on with my life...one saying that I couldn't take it out on them that my daughter is dead. Newsflash - I'm not taking it out on you... it's called grieving. But they don't understand...and hopefully never will. I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy.
But seriously. Someone needs to hit this chick upside the head with a good dose of reality...and a little bit of SYMPATHY for the hurting.
I love how people want to rant and rave about someone else, when in reality they are doing the exact same things themselves! It really just crawls all over me.
This attack was not on me. It was on one of my sweet blogger friends who has an amazing story to tell. Such a godly young woman, trying to do what's right - but still missing her little Lily. Is that a crime??
Here is the post that started it all:
Oh, and her adult daughter has an entire blog dedicated to a stillborn baby. Okay, before you unleash the tide of "you heartless bastard!" -- just hear me out: please don't get me wrong, giving birth to a stillborn baby is extremely heart-wrenching and devastating. That woman has every right to grieve. But there is something EXTREMELY disturbing about setting up a PUBLIC blogshrine to a dead baby, replete with photographs of the deceased. I mean, for ___ sake, the poor thing in the photograph is so far gone that it's already showing livor mortis. And to think that everyone went around posing for photos and mourning over this stillborn for... how long, Hours? Where is the respect and dignity for the dead? Since when did heartfelt grief for a lost child become an extremely public affair with photo albums and countdown clocks ("it's been 4 months since we said goodbye")?
I've noticed that there is a strong trend among religious right fanatics to set up blogshrines to their stillborn babies or anencephalic, dying babies. I'm not kidding. I'm not sure what it is, but I'm guessing it's a combination of: "pro-life" (anti-choice) fervor, the belief that a woman's duty is to be an incubator, religious delusion (and thus an incapability of coming to terms with natural death/dying), poor emotional coping skills, and the chance to become a "martyr mom" among fundies. I think that is why these women SNAP when they realize their pregnancy is not viable and they decide to carry to term any way to show off their martyrdom. And there is mental illness involved. I'm not the sanest person in the bunch, but I feel sorry for Ginny and her daughter, as there is obviously a lot of psychological instability between them. But what can you do?
Sigh. And people WONDER why I'm such a misanthrope.
and back to me...
It's so hard to remain Christ-like when you have people like this in the world. People who don't have anything better to do with their time than to hurt others. To belittle our hurt, and the way that we deal with it.
I guess this "Emily" (< if that's really her name??) would love the faces of loss, faces of hope, huh? A site that recognizes not only stillbirth but miscarriage and infant loss? How dare they.
I'm going to pray that this (angry?) person finds the peace that she needs in this world. That God would dissolve the anger that she has in her heart, and the He would protect her from every experiencing what we babyloss moms cope with on a daily, hourly, minute basis. God bless Emily.
this & that
Today marks day three of Provera round four. *sigh* Now it's just a waiting game. Fun fun. :) I can't wait to be finished up with this medicine and on to the next one. We'll be one step closer. I am just praying that God will see fit to bless us this month. It would make life a lot easier on the pocketbook.
I miss the beach. It was so nice and relaxing. Didn't have to take my beta blockers one time the whole time I was gone. But this week, it's back to work, and back into the full swing of things. Oh the joys. Nah, it's really not that bad. I just wish that I could go on vacation for months at a time and never have to work. That would be nice. :) It's a nice dream anyways.
I think that Clif and I might be going to Gatlinburg one weekend soon. That would be fun. Another little stress relieving getaway.
Well, there wasn't really too much to say in this blog until I read another blogger buddies post. I'll be posting more later, but lets just say that I am furious over the way that this friend has been treated/talked about.
More to come...
I miss the beach. It was so nice and relaxing. Didn't have to take my beta blockers one time the whole time I was gone. But this week, it's back to work, and back into the full swing of things. Oh the joys. Nah, it's really not that bad. I just wish that I could go on vacation for months at a time and never have to work. That would be nice. :) It's a nice dream anyways.
I think that Clif and I might be going to Gatlinburg one weekend soon. That would be fun. Another little stress relieving getaway.
Well, there wasn't really too much to say in this blog until I read another blogger buddies post. I'll be posting more later, but lets just say that I am furious over the way that this friend has been treated/talked about.
More to come...
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