His Excellent Greatness.

Psalm 105:1

Give thanks to the LORD, call on his name; make known among the nations what he has done.

**Celebrating good news alone doesn't seem to satisfy you as much as sharing it with others. When something awesome has happened to you, share it with others so that they may rejoice with you. Together, you'll both be able to tell of His excellent greatness!**

These little inspirations come from Rev. O's blog. He can be found  ::here:: It's amazing how so many of his inspirations are exactly what I need for the day. I guess God's good like that. No, actually I know God is good like that.

I have faith & hope that after (and maybe before?) this surgery, God will grant us with the desire of our hearts. A second child. A baby to love.

Grazei!Merci!Gracias!ThankYou!

I just wanted to take a second and thank each and every one of you for praying for me.

Chill bumps pop up all over my body when I think about all the people that love,care, and pray for Clif and me. There are people all over the US...all over the world. We have friends and loved ones in so many different places.

I feel so blessed to have so many family members, friends, and blogger friends who are willing to pray for me.

So thank you. You all have a part in everything that is happening...and everything that will happen in the future.

Thank you so much for being my little prayer warriors.

Love to you all!!

Ok Anthem, maybe I like you...a little.

Praise the Lord! I received a phone call from my nurse "C" this afternoon to let me know that my insurance has approved the surgery. :)

I go in November 1st for pre op at Dr S office, and then I have to go somewhere for them to do my blood work, to meet with the anesthesiologist and a few other things. Surgery is scheduled for November 2nd at 12:00. Clif and I have to be at the hospital at 10am.

I cannot even begin to tell you how relived I am. When she said that they had approved it, I wanted to cry. It was like a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders, my heart.

What an amazing blessing God has given to Clif and I today.

I'm sure that after the surgery the bills will roll in - but for now, we're happy.

Thank you God...

Waiting & Hopeful

I'm waiting

I'm waiting on You, Lord

And I am hopeful

I'm waiting on You, Lord

Though it is painful

But patiently, I will wait

*****

Sometimes it's hard to wait. Actually, most times it's hard to wait. Especially when you are waiting on something that you so desperately want. And in this case, I think not only do I want it. I need it. The more and more I read about PCOS, I realize that I just can't go on living with it and not be treated. It could cause serious problems.

I think the biggest issue for me is weight. I've lost a few ounces shy of 50 pounds since November of last year. Which is huge. I mean - fifty pounds in less than a year?? That's impressive if I do say so myself. But I need to lose more. About 30 pounds. I was over weight when I got pregnant with Lilly. Which now looking back, I gained a lot of weight when I went off birth control. Which means I wasn't having cycles...more than likely due to the PCOS. All the puzzle pieces are finally coming together.

I've lost and maintained two pounds this week. I know that it doesn't sound like much...but it's big for me. I read that even losing ten pounds can help with PCOS and even sometimes triggers ovulation.

And ya know, with all of these crazy things happening to my body here lately... I have started to realize how complex the human body really is. It's absolutely amazing how God created us.

I only wish my body did what it should be doing...instead of causing me so much grief...

I'm gonna keep runnin', try not to worry, and concentrate on NOT fainting.

Isaiah 40:31


But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

Sometimes, we have to hurry up and wait for God to reveal His greatness! In time, the strength you thought you lost will be restored if you don't give up on your goal beforehand. In fact, your goal will become easier to obtain when you realize that if you don't finish it, it will only continue to bother you. Today, don't faint, stay strong!

**********************

**Well, a little update on the insurance issue at hand. I've got nothing. HA! I never heard anything yesterday. I called around 9:00 this morning to leave the nurse a voicemail - and she answered. I asked her if she had heard anything, and she was like... "Well, I had to send off to booking for the hospital yesterday - and got that back yesterday afternoon. So this morning I sent everything to insurance - so I should be able to let you know something by this afternoon." I'm pretty much worried sick. I know that even with the insurance covering the surgery that I'll have to shell out thousands of dollars in the long run. We're prepared for whatever we might face - if only we could get this surgery approved!

I think I'm going to ask the nurse (if the insurance approves the surgery) if Dr S will call me some provera in, so I can take it and have regular periods while I'm waiting for surgery. If he'll do that - I am going to give this natural progesterone cream a shot. I keep hearing good things about it. It's worth a try, right?

Please continue to pray for Clif and I as we wait to hear back from the doctors office. Pray that the Lord will prepare our hearts for whatever may happen.

ovarian drilling

Currently I am waiting to hear back from my nurse. My surgery is already scheduled for November 2nd. No time yet. Of course, if insurance decides not to approve the surgery... I'll have to cancel. My nurse, "C" did say that she has never seen this surgery rejected by insurance. I asked her to stress that this is not just for infertility issues - that it's also beneficial to my health.

I read a pamphlet that I got from their office yesterday about PCOS - and it can lead to diabetes, heart disease, and ovarian cancer (if not treated).

So technically, if they cover the surgery now - and it works, and I start to ovulate on my own...then I will be saving them money in the long run.

*sigh* Please join me in praying that this surgery will be covered under insurance, and that we will get the green light today.

Thanks!

when life gives you turnips...make limeade.

I'm starting this post off on a comical note, but I must warn you... it takes a turn for the worse...maybe worst. *sigh*



First off - we had a blast on our camping trip. Caught a lot of fish, froze our butts off at night...hiked, went on a two - three hour float... cooked hot dogs over a campfire, grilled...and ate smores. Of course there were some bug bites in there too. :) But all in all, it was a good trip. We played tons of games, and learned a few new ones too. Clif taught us dominoes and "A" & "B" (

When playing Taboo - we paired up as couples, since we know each other the best. I got the word "Lemonade". The timer started and I said "when life gives you ___" and Clif answered, "turnips". Really? Then I said it again, and we replied with "lemons", I said - "make?" which he replied with "Limeade!" HAHAHA! I about peed my pants. So - that's where the title comes from today. When life gives you turnips, make limeade. :)


Now for that sharp turn. It's a painful one...and I'm trying my hardest not let it get to me down. Let's just say it's easier said than done. It's definitely a challenge. :) But my God is greater than any of this stuff that's going on. I serve Him, and He is on my side.


I went to see Dr S this morning. Amazing how *literally* forty five seconds of ultrasound cost me right around $80.00. Seriously? I got there - he poked me with the "wand", looked for a few seconds - said that my ovaries look the same as they did last week - and that my progesterone came back "not consistent with ovulation". So I was told to get dressed and to come to his office to discuss our "game plan".


Hmmm...some expensive game plan.


I was told that he wouldn't give me any more Clomid. Three pills a day is the most that's been approved - and I was given four pills a day last month. He said that if he gave me Clomid again - that he was sure my body would not respond. Poo.


He said I have two options.


Option #1 - Follistimaq injections. I would go in for an hour long appointment with my nurse, and she would teach me how to inject myself in the stomach with the shots. Oh goody. A "woman like me" would get a lower dose more often instead of high doses less often. He said that the Follistimaq injections *almost* guarantee matured eggs. There is a 20% chance that *if* we got pregnant with these injections that it would be a multiple pregnancy. Most of the cases that Dr S has seen have been twins, and he said that he's seen several triplets too. Sometimes the Follistimaq causes too many eggs to mature, and they advise you *not* to try to conceive that month. For fear of being the next octo-mom. Gee.


Option #2 - Ovarian drilling. Sound painful? According to someone I know (who has had three similar procedures) they are extremely painful. They would go in and burn small holes in my ovaries. He said that in some cases, after Ovarian drilling, you begin to ovulate on your own. Now that would be a sight to behold. There still would be a very good possibility that I would need the injections, even with the surgery. But then again - there is always that chance that my body would ovulate on it's own - and that I could get pregnant without help. I honestly believe that my God is that big - He can do anything.


Ready for the good part?? The Follistimaq is (of course) *not* covered by my insurance. Dr S told me that it'd be right at $1,000.00 for the meds. When I called the nurse this afternoon, she said that if it's not covered - it could cost anywhere from $800-2200. Great.


I know I've said this before, but I'm going to say it again. I feel as if every time I "fall" I just get kicked over and over again. As if losing my daughter isn't enough - lets throw infertility & PCOS in the mix. Why not, right?


So I called the nurse and told her that I wanted a little more information about the surgery. She told me that it's called Ovarian Drilling - and that it's out patient. I'd be out of work for a week. It looks like if we go this route that it will be November 2nd before I can have the surgery done. Isn't that lovely? If we decide to go through with it - I will be bed ridden up until my (would have been) due date (with Lilly). I'll be recovering from surgery at the same time THIS year as I was last year.


I wanted to know how the doctor would code the surgery - I was told it would be coded as "PCOS". I was given two codes (he wants to do the Ovarian Drilling and check my tubes) to call the insurance company with, just to see if they could tell me what my part of the surgery would be. I was told that the doctor has to call in for pre authorization, and that *if* it was approved under my insurance, my copay the morning of would be $250.00. Of course I would go the day before for pre-op and other equally fun stuff. I only have one more paid visit with Dr S - unless my insurance would be gracious enough to let me have a few more paid visits. Which means not only would I be paying for the surgery, and the injections (more than likely)... I would have to pay for office visits and anything he does at those visits (mainly ultrasounds).


If I understood my nurse correctly, since my insurance said that I had to have pre authorization for the surgery - the Dr will have to sign something saying that we will not be doing an insemination. Which makes it that much better. Let's pay thousands upon thousands of dollars for surgery and fertility treatments and then take a chance at doing things the "natural" way.How can they make me say that I WON'T have an insemination done when they aren't going to pay for the insemination in the first place?? *sigh* I feel like I'm screwed no matter which way I go.


Honestly... I'm beyond words right now. I'm at a loss, and I'm hurting beyond relief. The one thing that I want more than anything in this world seems to be slipping farther and farther out of my grasp...

much needed get-away!

Sorry I've been MIA for a few days... I haven't had much to write. I'm still trying to sort through all of these emotions left over from Tuesday.

So I'm torn. I've had some people say that maybe I shouldn't use the OPK because of me having PCOS and taking Clomid. BUT...Dr S told me that this should not effect the test.

I took a second test on Tuesday night, and it was not in my favor. Yesterday morning, the lines were the same color - so I'm thinking positive - and then this morning the test line was darker than the reference line. Positive.

So who knows what's going on with my body. I'm just trying not to get too down in the dumps about everything...at least not yet.

For the past two days, I have had headaches...lower back aches, and cramping in my abdomen. This sounds like ovulation to me...but again, not getting my hopes up.

Who knows with my body...it truly has a mind of it's own.

Clif and I are going camping with a friend of his from work (and his wife) this weekend. That should be fun... and relaxing. I'm looking forward to it.

We are leaving out around 6:30 in the morning, probably stop and get some breakfast - and then run to the hospital to get blood drawn for my progesterone levels.  Then we're headed out to the "creek" to mow grass and get camp set up.

Tonight is grocery shopping and packing the car. :) I love cooking while camping...bacon, eggs,pancakes, smores...hotdogs..

I love it all. Campfire, the creek (more like a river) running... the smells, the wildlife. It should be awesome. I'll have to take pictures and post them for you guys to see.

I told all the girls I work with that I'm sure I sound like a Hillbilly. :) I absolutely love it at the creek. Get to run around barefoot all day, swim, fish (I LOVE to fish)...snuggle around the fire, we even bathe in the creek. HA! Seriously, I have never seen cleaner water. I love to wash my hair in it. We were told (don't know how true it is) that Demi Moore had water shipped from this particular creek to wash her hair with. Interesting.

So yeah - I'm pretty excited, to say the least. Just a weekend away from civilization...everything. I look forward to being surrounded by nature and de-stressing a little bit.

I hope that you all have a great weekend - I'm sure that I'll have plenty to write about Monday when I get back. :) Oh, and Monday is my #4 appointment with Dr S. We'll do another u/s and go from there. Pray for us! (We are praying that God will knock the socks off of the drs and allow us to "do" this the "all natural" way!!)

God Bless!!!

God is in complete control....

Isaiah 41:10

Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.




Fear is usually created when we cannot control a particular situation. A lack of control can sometimes make us believe that if we can't control what is going on around us, then it may fail. Well, the good news is that when you know who has total control and the last word for your good, they you do not need to fear anything! The moment you relinquish that control factor to God, He strengthens you to think about other ways to solve your problem and ultimately give you peace. Today, give Him complete control!

dazed and confused.

Talk about a horrible day. *sigh*

Well...let's start at the beginning.

This morning I woke up at 6:20 and went to the bathroom to take a shower and get ready. I took my OPK test, and low and behold it was positive. I thought I was crazy...so I woke Clif up and made him come in there and take a look. I didn't tell him I thought it was positive. I just asked him to tell me what line was darker. He said, "the one on the left". Well, the line on the right is the reference line. The left is the test line. It wasn't just me. The test was positive.

So, with a glimpse of hope - we headed to the REs office. We show up, Ovidrel in hand. Dr S came to get me quickly, and took me back to the u/s room. He left for me to undress, and then came back a few minutes later. I told him about the test. He sounded hopeful.

The u/s started and I could tell by his face it wasn't good. He turned the screen for Clif and I to see - he showed us my ovaries, and the follicles. The eggs are not matured.

Dr S was puzzled. He said that he has no clue why I got a positive OPK this morning. He said it didn't make sense.

I got dressed and went to his office. He told us that if I hadn't told him about the test, he would have told me to come back in 5-7 days. But since I got the positive, he wasn't sure what to do. He told us that I could get the shot today and possibly (more than likely) waste $260 tomorrow for the insemination.

We asked him what he suggested, and he said that he would wait until Friday - come in and get blood drawn (at the lab - so it doesn't count as one of my appointments) to check and see if I ovulated. THEN I'll go back Monday at 8am for another u/s to see if the eggs have matured, get the Ovidrel shot , and go back Tuesday for the IUI. Possibly. But he didn't sound too hopeful.

It's pretty bad when your RE is puzzled. That's my body for ya though, screwed up.

I am almost to the point to give up, stop going to the doctor, and either do egg donor, surrogacy, or adoption.

My body has been through so much in the last nine months, it's not even money. If you want to get technical - I guess it's really gone through a lot since October 2008. *sigh*

I went back to work and talked with my boss...more like cried while my boss listened...for like an hour. And then she sent me home. I wouldn't have been worth anything at work today. I love my boss, she's the BEST.

So I'm upset...sad...disappointed. But I'll get over it...and I'm not going to lose hope. :) Keep looking up...that's what I keep telling myself.

My mom says that she is praising the Lord for the positive OPK - that she is viewing that as a shimmer of hope. Not to give up - to keep trusting God, and to find something to praise Him about. So - that's what I'm doing.

I'm praising God for the positive (even if it was false) test this morning - and praying that it wasn't a fluke like Dr S thinks that it may have been. That I will ovulate this month. Even if I don't get pregnant this month... if I can just ovulate, I would be so happy. We shall see...Dr S says that (contrary to what the OPK says - that the Clomid should not interfere with the test. However, the way I see it - the tests are 99.9% accurate. With my luck, I'll be in the 0.01% that is fluke.

Please continue to pray for us. Pray that the OPK test was correct - and that we may conceive even this week. :) He said to go with the "all natural" route tomorrow...and then we'll see what happens next week. Thanks to you all for the prayer and support that y'all give me.

praying...

Tomorrow is the big day. I'm terrified, to say the least. I am so nervous/anxious about tomorrows appointment, I can barely stand it.

My lower back is killing me today. Almost like labor/contraction pain. It's ridiculous - and man did the pain pick the wrong day to be here! It's been an absolutely crazy day all the way around. :( I have mild cramping in my abdomen as well. Could it be possible that my body is going to ovulate this month?? I just starting testing with the OPK yesterday, and nothing yet. I really just hate my body sometimes.

*sigh* I hate this waiting game. It sucks. Big time. I have been praying like crazy for weeks now. Ever since I found out that we'd be doing the IUI. I can't focus today...all I have been able to do is think about tomorrow's appointment.

I know that God will give us an answer. I don't know whether it will be no,yes, or wait. But I am confident that He will answer.

viewers discretion is advised.

Sometimes I wish that life came with this kind of warning label. "Some things may not be suitable for all viewers".

Pregnant lady rounding the corner... viewers discretion is advised.

People that pop out extra "tax credits"... viewers discretion is advised.

People abusing precious children... viewers discretion is advised.

Women who have babies they don't want... viewers discretion is advised.

Fertile women everywhere... viewers discretion is advised.

Yup... I'm pretty sure that this "warning" would be very helpful.

I will follow You.

Don't know where to begin

It's like my world's caving in
And I tried but i can't control my fear
Where do I go from here

Sometimes it's so hard to pray
You feel so far away
I am willing to go where You want me to
God I trust You


There's a raging sea
Right in front of me
Wants to pull me in
Bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise
If you want them to
I will follow You
I will follow You
I will follow You



I will swim in the deep
Cuz You'll be next to me
You're in the eye of the storm and the calm of the sea
You're never out of reach


God You know where I've been
You were there with me then
You were faithful before
You'll be faithful again
I'm holding Your hand



God Your love is enough
You will pull me through
I'm holding on to You


God your love is enough
I will follow You
I will follow You

~Mikes chair~

we're in the jungle, baby.

Wow...okay this post is WAY over due. :) Here are some pictures of our NC Zoo trip - the day before Mother's Day. It was SO hot...but we had a blast. :) I absolutely love the first picture, of the lion. She laid like that the whole time we were watching her.

waiting = torture

I can't stop thinking about Tuesday. I'm anxious. I'm nervous. I'm scared. What if there aren't any matured eggs? What if I've wasted three appointments with Dr S? I only have/had a total of five!

*sigh* I am still trusting God. I know that if it's His will...there will be eggs on Tuesday. If it's His will, I will get my shot of Ovidrel on Tuesday. If it's His will...we will go back to see Dr S on Thursday for an insemination. If it is His will, we will have another baby. Maybe not this month, maybe not the next. But in His time, I believe that God will grow our family once again.

It's hard to keep the faith...to remain hopeful. It's been nine months now since we said hello & goodbye to our precious Lilly. I've taken more than nine pregnancy tests since November 13th...every single one has been negative. Every doctors appointment it's as if the doctors don't know what's going on. (At least Dr S has a better understanding than Dr G).

I am praying with all that I am that in seven weeks we will be at the office of Dr S, that we will hear a heart beat - and that we'll be sent back to Dr G for the remainder or my prenatal care. I'm praying, I'm hoping... I'm begging.

Pray for me? Waiting is torture.

hopeful.

Today I remember my Lilly Bean. Actually, I remember her every day. Every single hour, most days.

Today is also a day of hope. Hope for the future, hope for expanding our family. Hope for another baby.

I am hopeful - and I'm looking forward to the things God is going to do in our lives in the days to come. I am excited, and I'm anxious.

But most of all, I am hopeful.

the hubbz

He's home tonight!

**A new kind of normal**

Saw this link on a blogger buddies facebook today. Check her out here. Anyway, I wanted to share this - because it pretty much says everything that I feel. :)


~MY NEW "NORMAL"~

*Author Unknown*


Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your family's life.


Normal for me is trying to decide what to take to the cemetery for Birthdays Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Years, Valentine's Day, July 4th and Easter.


Normal is reliving that day continuously through your eyes and mind.


Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in my heart.


Normal is staring at every baby who looks like she is my baby's age. And then thinking of the age she would be now and not being able to imagine it. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it, because it will never happen.


Normal is telling the story of your child's death as if it were an everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in someone's eyes at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has become a part of my "normal".


Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your child's memory and her birthday and survive these days.


Normal is my heart warming and yet sinking at the sight of something special that my baby would have loved, but how she is not here to enjoy it.


Normal is having some people afraid to mention my baby.


Normal is making sure that others remember her.


Normal is after the funeral is over everyone else goes on with their lives, but we continue to grieve our loss forever.


Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse sometimes, not better.


Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss, unless they too have lost a child. NOTHING. Even if your child is in the remotest part of the earth away from you – it doesn't compare. Losing a parent is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural.


Normal is trying not to cry all day, because I know my mental health depends on it. Normal is realizing I do cry everyday.


Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone, but someone stricken with grief over the loss of your child.


Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talking and crying together over our children and our new lives.



Normal is not listening to people make excuses for God. "God may have done this because..." I love God, I know that my baby is in heaven, but hearing people trying to think up excuses as to why babies were taken from this earth is not appreciated and makes absolutely no sense to this grieving mother.


Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have three children or two, because you will never see this person again and it is not worth explaining that my baby is in heaven. And yet when you say you have two children to avoid that problem, you feel horrible as if you have betrayed your baby.


Normal is knowing I will never get over this loss, in a day or a million years. And last of all,


Normal is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are "normal".

Some things just need repeating.

To Whom It May Concern:
The blog titled "journey to motherhood" is not for you. At all. I really don't know how much clearer I can get on this. This blog is for me, in honor of my daughter. Remember? The daughter that DIED nine months ago??
Yeah, this is for her. This is where I can come to talk about her. This is a place where I can come to share my feelings with those who truly care about me. And I really believe that the people who genuinely care about me will accept my feelings. Whether they think they are right or wrong. That's what true friends do.
And ya know what? If you don't like this blog, if you don't like the things that I write about - or the feelings that I convey when I type...are you ready for this??? DON'T READ IT! Seriously.
When you log onto your dashboard every day, you make a conscience choice to read (or not read) my latest post. You choose to select my blog, and load it onto your screen. You CHOOSE to read what I write. No one is asking you to, and no one is holding a gun to your head telling you to.
So I'm not sorry if the things on this blog offend you. This is my therapy. I (and others) think it's good for me. I mean, do you seriously realize how good I'm doing, considering??
Lillian Joy was a living child. She lived for a little over nine months. She was a real baby...not just a figment of your imagination. I loved her from the moment I found out that I had the privilege to carry her in my womb for nine months. I talked to her, sang to her...her daddy talked to her and rubbed her almost every night. She was loved by SO many people. She has touched an unbelievable amount of people. I mean - seriously, how many other little babies do you know that has a good 400-500 people show up for their funeral? These people took time out of their (week day) day, and some drove from different STATES to  honor my daughter... a little girl that none of them had ever met. People have (and some continue) to shower us with love, thoughts and prayers. *Almost* everyone has been amazing. Understanding even. But not all.
There are still those few people who think that MY situation belongs to them. They are starving for attention - and they just can't help but try to make my grief about themselves. Ya know what? These people don't realize that they've won. That the competition STOPPED when my daughter was born still. It was over on November 13,2009. They WIN! This(these) person (people) who strive to out do all that I strive for in life have won. They have a happy life and family. I have a life, but it still lacks the "happy" part. My family consists of myself and my husband...oh and our dead child.
So please, let me reiterate. If you don't like the words that I type. If you don't like the way my thoughts and opinions make you feel...then stay away. This is not for you, it's for her.

I am not afraid...

I am not afraid to speak of November 13th,2009.