Monday, February 27, 2012

what do YOU think?

I'll be honest. Normally, I am not the type person to really think twice about what people may or may not think about me.
But I have recently stumbled upon a subject that I might just care about what people think.

Pregnancy.Children. And me.

So many people have followed our story. Our struggle of getting pregnant with Lilly, our journey through the grief of losing Lillian. Our long road (or what seemed like it) of becoming pregnant again, and the {what seemed like} eternity that I was pregnant with the triplets. There are so many people that stood by my side through this last pregnancy. So many people prayed on a daily basis for the safety of myself, and our three precious babies that I carried.

Yes, we lost our first child due to pregnancy complications, caused by my unexplained high blood pressure. Yes, we prayed, prayed, prayed to become pregnant... and after overcoming many things, we did become pregnant. Yes, I had some of the same struggles with my triplet pregnancy that I did with my pregnancy with Lilly. It was scary, and there wasn't a day that went by that I didn't pray that God would bless the tiny little beings that I carried within me.

I know that there were people who thought our babies would never make it into this world alive. I know that while people smiled at me on the outside, there were negative thoughts running through their minds. I couldn't deliver ONE baby into this world safely, what made me think that I could deliver THREE?

All of that plays a part, but is definitely not what I worry that people may judge me about.

Not saying that we are...not saying that we are not... but... what if, in time...there is a possibility that Clif and I would want to try and become pregnant a third time. What if we decide that we want a fifth child?

Is that selfish? Our Lillian Joy left us too soon, we prayed for another blessing... and God blessed us with three. Would I be a horrible person if I wanted more children?

I'll be honest... I do want more children. Crazy, I know. In fact, as several people I know are announcing that they are expecting... I feel a little {very very tiny}bit of jealousy. BUT...before you judge, let me say that I get over the jealous feelings VERY quickly. I don't in any way envy anyone that is pregnant right now. Clif and I have been incredibly blessed with four precious children, three of which are here with us on Earth. Three that keep me busy all the time! Not to mention that I feel like I have been pregnant for the last three years of my life. Which really, since I was 21 years old (just turned 24), I have either been trying to become pregnant, been pregnant, or recovering from a pregnancy. I'm actually loving the fact that my body is mine again. No pregnancy, no fertility drugs... no charting, counting, blah blah blah. I have finally lost ALL my baby weight, from both pregnancies... and I am 7 pounds away from being the same weight I was the day I was married to my love <3 I still have 18 pounds to go until I reach my goal, which is the weight that I was when Clif and I got together almost seven years ago! I'm excited. I feel healthy for the first time in years. I didn't go on any crazy crash diet...I chose weight watchers, a change of life. A change of eating. And it has worked wonders.Not only that, but in the last couple of weeks I have begun to exercise. Not a lot, but, I do run on the elliptical six days a week...for at least 5 miles at a time. I know that's not huge... but when you go from doing absolutely NOTHING, I think it's a pretty big step.

All that to say that I'm happy with where I am in life. I'm happy with me for the first time in a very very long time. So no, I don't "want" a baby right now. If it were to happen, it would most definitely be a "God thing"... and we wouldn't be upset... but, it would really have to be His will to make it happen.

But...I have said since becoming pregnant with the triplets, that I might would like to have another baby when the triplets start school. They would be five, I would be 28ish. We definitely would not go the IUI route again, but...who knows! Now this is just talk...I promise. We are most definitely NOT talking about having another baby. There are absolutely NO plans, and NO talk. :) But... it's just a thought that crossed my mind the other day that made me wonder. If my kids start school, and I decide...hey! I want another baby...would that be...selfish? Would it be asking too much? Hmmmm...

{Completely random side note, but do I have any artist readers that would want to sketch something for me? A possible tattoo...but maybe's something that I'm toying with... but I don't have an artistic bone in my body! IF so, email me!!! :)}


Aleisha said...

Psalm 127:3-5 ESV

Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one's youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.

Genesis 1:28

And God blessed them. And God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over every living thing that moves on the earth.”

What PEOPLE think does not matter what GOD thinks does! (I know you know this)

God specifically tells us that Not only are we to be fruitful, but that our children are BLESSINGS. NOT ONCE have I read where He says anything about stopping the amount of children we have. That is a society, materialism driven thought (only x amount of kids so we can get back to doing what we want) I have been there. I wanted to stop at the first T.. lol then the second T came along and I said NO MORE!... Then God got a hold of me... :)

*Katy* said...

I don't think it would be selfish at all because you KNOW how hard it is to lose a child. As long as people take care of the children they're blessed with I don't judge :) {it's when they don't take care of them and don't realize what a true gift they have that I become judgmental. I know it's not a good trait, but it's me. And I also feel that same twinge every time I hear a pregnancy announced-I think it's just something mommy's get :) }

Raquel said...

I agree with Aleisha. She stated perfectly what I had planned to say, lol. You are raising your children up in the Lord. :-) I personally don't believe you are being selfish at all. And if the Lord wants you to have more kids, then it probably wouldn't matter whether you were ready for them or not, lol. Just speaking from personal experience here. God has blessed you and Clif SO MUCH and you are amazing parents. Plus, you make the most adorable babies, lol. It would be more selfish to not have anymore and rid the world such beauty! Everytime I see new pictures of the triplets, it makes me grin.

belle said...

if God lays it on your heart to have another one..... obey :) children are BLESSINGS! if you are content and fulfilled with 4.... then rejoice :) children are BLESSINGS! it matters not one bit what others think or say. what matters is what the Lord has laid on the hearts of you and cliff:)can't wait to see more pictures, i bet they have grown so much!

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