Tuesday, April 13, 2010


Ok, so you know when you hurt yourself and once the wound finally starts to heal, you get a scab? And you know how you sometimes run into something and knock the scab off...and it hurts all over again? Yeah...that was my weekend. Or at least my Saturday night.
This weekend was busy. Really busy. Friday was Clif's thing for work, then I took him out to eat at a Japanese restaurant to celebrate his birthday with family and friends. We went home, watched a movie...and that was the extent of our night.
Saturday was Clif's actual birthday, so we got up early...I took him out for breakfast, then we headed to Home Depot for mulch and flowers. We headed home and for like 6 hours we worked in our yard. My parents came over to help (thank the Lord)...we mowed, weed whacked =), cleaned out flower beds, mulched, and planted flowers.
By the time we finished, all four of us were exhausted. We showered up and went out to Clif's favorite Mexican place. After dinner, we headed home to finish up some last minute things on the inside of the house for our open house yesterday.
A few days earlier our realtor advised Clif to organize Lilly's room. We had been putting it off. When we got home Saturday night, we were both running around like crazy trying to get things done. Clif had said that he would take care of the Nursery, but I decided that I would do it so we could get in bed.
I go in her room pretty often...but this was different. I had to get in there, start moving things around...put things away that she would have needed to use as soon as coming home from the hospital. Needless to say by the time Clif came in there, I was in pieces. It was pretty bad. I just couldn't get it together. I cried...and cried... and then cried some more.
It broke my heart to have to be putting her things away... I keep feeling like it's dishonoring to her. I never want that room to change. I know that's stupid...childish, maybe even a little selfish. But that's how I feel.
I know that it would be SO much harder if we had brought her home from the hospital. I don't think that I would be able to cope with it as well as I have this situation.

God is good... but I'm still hurting.


belle said...

oh honey.... (((hugs)))

you are not alone.....

Holly said...

That had to be so hard. :( I'm sorry you had to put all her things away.

That corgi :) said...

hi; first time visiting your blog and commenting; I read all your entries and was in tears as you wrote about your dear Lilly and the journey you and Clif are in with your grief plus your plans for hopefully another child. You are an amazing young woman of faith and trust in God. I have no idea of the grief you are going through, not having lost a child, but you are right, Lilly's short life has impacted so many in so many different ways.

I did think it might be nice for the doctor's office (and I'm sure they are not the only doctor's office that might not know if a woman has lost her baby) that they might code the chart somehow to make those questions not routinely come out of the nurses or receptionists mouth, but your doctor does sound like a caring one

and the hospital you had Lilly had; what a precious gift they gave you with how you and her were treated

I will pray for you and Clif....


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