Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Mixed up.

Ever have mixed emotions over a HUGE event in your life? That's where I am at right now. As of this morning, our house is listed for sale. =/ Realtor came over last night, took pictures... and we signed our life away, again. Ha! It will be on the market starting today, and goes until Oct.31st. *sigh*
I want to get out of this house. I want a "grown up" house. I want to move closer to the city so that I am not scared to stay at home by myself at night. Don't get me wrong, if we aren't able to sell... I'll be ok. I love our house. We've done a LOT of work these last few weeks, including painting, remodeling our spare bathroom...cleaning up, getting stuff taken care of outside. This weekend we are working on the yard, putting new lattice on the porch, and planting flowers in the flower bed. Oh, and did I mention that Sunday is our open house? *cringes* It'll be ok though. Clif and I are actually going to be out of town. I'm taking him to get one of his tattoos covered up for his birthday/graduation gift.
This is where my mixed emotions come in, and if I've said this before...please forgive me as I repeat myself.
I am scared that if we sell, and when we move....that it's going to be like I am leaving Lilly behind. I don't want to leave her. I don't want to lose my memories. She'll always be with me...in my heart anyways. And I know that she never got to be in our house, but...I am going to have such a hard time leaving her room behind. It still smells fresh...pure. Like nothing has touched it. Because it hasn't. Nothing has. Her nursery has been sitting untouched for almost five months now. Five months. It's hard to believe she's been gone...dead...for five whole months. You'd think that there has been a lot of "healing" in that time. And while there has been, it's still like it happened just yesterday. My own body is a constant reminder of what she could have been, but isn't. Five months...that's almost half a year, but even this morning I was reliving seeing my husband holding his daughter for the first time, and knowing that we would never share anything with her. I remember his cries...my cries...the haunting look of agony on his face. The pain, the confusion...

Those are the only things I hold on to...my nine months being pregnant with her, my two day hospital stay, and her funeral. That's all I've got. And I am so scared that those few memories will fade if I "leave" her behind.
It's going to be ok though. God has given me strength beyond measure so far, and I know that He will continue to do so. It's just so hard sometimes.
When I begin thinking about these things... I feel as if I am drowning. Like I can't breathe. But then I just think about His Amazing love, and the fact that He gave Clif and me the most perfect child in the world. At least in our opinion. And then I'm ok...at least for a while.
Please continue to pray for us. I know that most times I seem "okay" to those that are around me, but I am still grieving...daily. It's hard...I love her, and I miss her more than most people will ever be able to understand. But this is my life...our life. And I believe that God wants us to continually tell her (Lillian's) story. He has used our little girl, and I believe that He's not done with her (or us) yet.

4 comments:

belle said...

i get this feeling. i've had to move houses too "afterwards" it was years afterwards actually and i cried so hard the day i left.... i even found an excuse to "go back" just one more time from 6 states away!!!1

only years later did i realize that i never took pictures of the tree i planted for james! i brought a branch from it... still have it 10 years later. and i am in the process of leaving a house that i have buried 2 babies while living in..... it is always emotional. i will take pictures of elizabeth's rose bush before i go this time:)

when i get to my new house.... i'm going to plant roses for each baby. maybe a tree for my boy :D we'll see. but i want a growing reminder of my missing children.

you are not alone. (((hugs)))

Raquel said...

*hugs* Love ya girl...and still praying daily for you guys!

croleyc69 said...

Praying for you always.
Caroline

Trennia said...

Sending lots of (((HUGS)))

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