vacation is over :'(

Wow. What a long week. It's been really good for the most part, with a few iffy times in between. :)
All in all it was really good to get away from Virginia for a while. Actually, it was good to get away from everything & everyone for a while. Much needed. I feel semi rejuvenated.
It was a good vacation. Did lots of swimming, beach walking,shell searching, sand sifting, shark tooth finding...eating. I think the thing we did the least was sleep. :) I slept less on vacation than I normally do at home.
I took a ton of pictures and a lot of them are on facebook. I'm sure that I'll post a few here too.
I almost feel guilty for having a good time this week. And I think that feeling hit me yesterday. How could I have a good time after what's happened to me??
Oh well, anyways...today was much better. Got up early, packed up everything, had lunch with Clif and my parents and then headed to the mall. :) Got some really good ice cream too!
Now we are in the car, on our way home. :( It's a mixed, bittersweet feeling. I definitely don't want to go back to work on Monday...and I don't want Clif to either. I guess that's life though, huh?
Well...I hope that everyone had a good week. :) I'll be back to posting on a regular basis this coming up week. Stay tuned for beach pictures!

fun in the sun...and sand.

Hello my lovely readers :) Just wanted to say hello from the beach. It's been a great, stress free week. Enjoying the sun and the water...and the shark teeth hunting.

The camping hasn't been horrible, but it's not quite as fun as when I was a kid. We got rained on our first day here and everything got soaked! But no biggie,
 there is a laundry mat at the place where we are camping. Fun stuff.

Hope everyone is having a great week, and will be keeping you in my prayers. Please continue to pray for us as we approach the upcoming cycle. You guys are the best.

Slipped Away...I miss you

I miss you, miss you so bad

I don't forget you, oh it's so sad

I hope you can hear me

I remember it clearly



The day you slipped away

Was the day I found it won't be the same

Ooooh



I didn't get around to kiss you

Goodbye on the hand

I wish that I could see you again

I know that I can't



Oooooh

I hope you can hear me cause I remember it clearly



The day you slipped away

Was the day I found it won't be the same

Ooooh



I had my wake up

Won't you wake up

I keep asking why

And I can't take it

It wasn't fake

It happened, you passed by



Now your gone, now your gone

There you go, there you go

Somewhere I can't bring you back

Now your gone, now your gone

There you go, there you go,

Somewhere your not coming back



The day you slipped away

Was the day i found it won't be the same noo..

The day you slipped away

Was the day that i found it won't be the same oooh...



I miss you

Kenny Chesney Who You'd Be Today (lyrics in description)

Kenny Chesney is probably my least favorite singer out there. But this song speaks the words that I am thinking most days. Below the video are the lyrics to his son, "Who You'd Be Today"

Sunny days seem to hurt the most
Wear the pain like a heavy coat
I feel you everywhere I go
I see your smile, I see your face
I hear you laughing in the rain
Still can't believe you're gone

Chorus:

It ain't fair you died too young
Like a story that had just begun
The death tore the pages all away
God knows how I miss you
All the hell that I've been through
Just knowing no one could take your *place*(instead of 'love away')
Sometimes I wonder who you'd be today

Would you see the world?
Would you chase your dreams?
Settle down with a family?
I wonder, what would you name your babies?
Some days the sky's so blue
I feel like I can talk to you
And I know it might sound crazy

Chorus

Today, Today, Today
Today, Today, Today

Sunny days seem to hurt the most
I wear the pain like a heavy coat
The only thing that gives me hope
Is I know I'll see you again someday

Someday, Someday

talk about random.

25 totally RaNdOm thing about Desiree...

~Desiree & Aleisha~

1) I was a few ounces shy of ten pounds when I was born.


2) I love shoes.


3) I have two siblings...brothers. They are seventeen and twelve years older than me.


4) I became an aunt the day after my 4th birthday.


5) I painted my fingernails black for the first time today.


6) One of my all time favorite movies is "Chitty Chitty Bang-Bang".


7) I am a recovering Diet Cherry Coke addict.


8) I absolutely hate doing laundry.


9) I am self conscience.


10) My favorite colors are black and pink.


11) I have never flown on a air plane :'(


12) I took piano lessons for twelve years, but haven't touched a piano (for more than a few minutes) for almost five.


13) I love chocolate...a little too much.


14) I have been caffeine free for seven months.


15) I love tattoos.


16) My favorite flower is a lily...and that was before my Lilly.


17) My best friend and I have been friends for fifteen years.


18) I always said that I wanted to marry someone from Texas, and I did.


19) I love to cook (shhh don't tell).


20) I hate drama.


21) I love to write poems, but rarely do anymore.


22) Blogging is therapy to me... no lie (and I love to do it!).


23) My hubby is my best friend.


24) I am a very jealous person.


25) I am supposed to be cleaning and packing...and I'm blogging instead.

even the deer are fertile.

I guess it goes without saying that today was a disaster. It was absolutely horrible. The whole thing that happened with the SDB lady really got to me.
Anywho...so I was driving up our driveway and to my right was a deer. A mommy deer...with her little twin babies. Really?? I guess everyone is fertile, except me.
It was the cherry on top of my awful day. Bleh. I'm so done with this day, and can't wait for it to be over with. I can't wait to get out of here and get to the beach. I can't wait to relax for a week, no work...and hopefully no drama.
Y'all don't get me wrong... I'm still keeping my chin up...it's just been a really rough few days. :(
Hope everyone has a great evening...I'm off to lay on the couch, watch lifetime and take a bubble bath.
Tomorrow will be better.


Oh, and a little side note. I don't know if I mentioned it in my last post, but the SDB lady (mom to Lily) told my coworker to tell me that I'd have another baby... that they had lost three babies before they had their rainbow. There is always hope...

cue desiree having a melt down.

Wow. That's pretty much all I can say. I am emotionally exhausted. :( Yesterday with the whole plastering the world wide web with preggo-ness, and then today.
Oh yes, I went to work this morning... with yesterday's not so good day carrying over into today. A lady came in where I work and needed to get in her SDB. She had a young girl and a little baby with her.
Long story short, the baby spit up on her, another lady at the office offered to hold the baby while she cleaned and finished up, and as they were handing off the kid the woman says "This is Lilly, we've waited a long time for her". I lost it right there in front of my coworker and a complete stranger. I excused myself and went and sat in the bathroom floor and sobbed like an idiot.
It was weird. I could not control my emotions. I was talking to myself in my head...it's okay...it's a baby...but you're okay. But when the name was mentioned, even though I told the tears they better not come...they did. And all of their relatives came with them. It was bad.
My boss and coworker came and found me, crying....face blood red...hugged me, and made me cry some more. I work with such amazing people. :) So supportive. I love them to death.
I walked it off...drank some cold water, got all the tears out. Confided in a coworker and told her about yesterday and everything that had happened way back when and why I took yesterday so hard. And then came back to work.
I feel horrible because my former boss came in (she's preggo) and I completely ignored her, when normally I would be talking her head off. So not only did I have a minor melt down...I was a witch.
So that's been my day. Fun stuff...can't wait for it to be over with, and for vacation to come.

I will remain calm.

Maybe I am being stupid, and mean. But I don't know how to feel. I'm just...fed up I guess. Please pray that God will comfort my heart and that He would also help me to keep a positive attitude towards this person. I am happy for them and this little life that they are now responsible for...I'm just sad for the lack of a little person in my own life.

I've prayed for their baby already...I'm just hurting so much.

Just what I needed to keep my hormones balanced.

I am going to barf...or pass out...or go off the deep end. I feel like being a drama queen right now. I just found out that someone I know is pregnant, and needless to say...not taking it the best.

What does love look like??

...this was today's daily inspiration with Rev. O. Just wanted to share with you guys!!!


What Does Love Look Like?



1 John 4:8
Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.




INSPIRATION
What does love look like? It looks like everything God ever created! It is very simple yet hard at the same time to always show love, but it must happen! If God can look at us every day when we're not showing love and still give us 2nd chances over and over, then who are we to not forgive one another also? When you say you know God, then you know love. Today, show more love!

Talk about dysfunctional ovaries!!

I am exhausted. Seriously, that doctors appointment really wiped me out. Clif and I arrived at 9:45 and checked in. They had to make copies of the book (not exaggerating) that I had to fill out, my insurance card, AND they had to collect more information from me. My heart was beating out of my chest, I was so nervous/anxious about it all.
Now let me just stop here and say that this particular doctors office could send the infertile woman into a state of depression with their magazine collection. Since I was so worked up about being there, I thought that I would pass the time until my appointment with reading a magazine. WRONG. The only magazines that they had were for women who were already pregnant. Seriously. So that's a little messed up that you have all these hopeful women coming into your office who are coming to see you to try and get pregnant and all you have for them to read are magazine full of stuff they won't need to know until AFTER conception? Really?!
Moving on. I met Dr S' nurse, whose name I don't remember. She was really nice, and put me at ease about meeting Dr S. She wasn't too sympathetic when I told her Lilly was stillborn - but then again, some people just don't know how to take it when I tell them. So that's okay.
Next we met Dr S. I really like him, he seems to be genuinely concerned about us and our situation. We went over the basics. How old we are, how long we've been trying to get pregnant, any treatments that I've been through...he asked about my previous pregnancy. That's where it got a little hairy. He asked if I had ever had any surgeries other than my c-section. I told him no, and that's when he asked why I had a c-section. He didn't know. Maybe they don't put stuff like that in your charts. I mean, what are they going to say?? She carried the baby full term plus 4 days and her child is dead? I don't know. Anyways, so I had to tell him (Clif was right there for me, but I did the talking). I had to explain to him that our daughter had died. That we had missed her by less than three hours. It was hard. I cried...a lot. Hardly even making sense to myself, let alone the doctor.
He was very sympathetic, which was nice. He kept apologizing that he didn't know. He was really sweet. He asked questions about the time leading up to November 13th.
After talking for a while he decided that he wanted to do a pelvic exam and a ultrasound (and not the jelly on the belly kind either).<---sorry, that may be a little TMI. Oh well. I wish that I could have captured Clif's expression on camera when he saw what they were doing the ultrasound with. :) It was priceless.
Finally I got dressed and headed back to Dr S office to talk about our game plan. He said that the pelvic exam was normal, but when he did the ultrasound he found that I have tiny cysts all over both ovaries. I've been diagnosed with PCOS (poly cystic ovary syndrome). Fun stuff.
I've been asked several times if I had it, but the answer has always been no. Until today.
Dr S is the first person who actually explained PCOS to me. He said that each cyst has a small follicle inside (an egg). Since eggs mature and release when ovulation occurs, and I do not ovulate... I am left with these cysts.
So, the game plan. We are waiting until August 1st to see if I start my cycle on my own. If I don't, I will take a pregnancy test and then start provera to start the cycle. I will go back and see Dr S during days 1-4. He will do another ultrasound to see if I have a maturing egg. If I do, he is going to want to give me a shot (ovulation induction??) to force my body to release the egg and ovulate. Next...they want me to go back and they will manually fertilize my eggs. I believe he is also going to put me on another round of Clomid. I am still learning all the lingo, but is this called IUI??
Please begin to pray that this first try will be a "go". It'll use up 3-4 of my 5 paid visits. :) We're trusting God with all of this...
Still looking up!!

Lilly's Story on Faces Of Loss...

                     Check out Lilly's Story at Faces of Loss,Faces of Hope!

a special(ist) kinda day.

Well, tomorrow is the big day. I have my appointment with Dr S. I'm a little nervous about it, but I'm trusting God that all will go well.
Wanna know something odd? So my insurance isn't going to be paying for my visits with Dr G (my regular OB) but they are going to pay for my specialist visits. Now tell me how that makes sense?? I'm just so thankful that they have agreed to pay for Dr S.
I'm so praying that Dr S may have something up his sleeve...something that may work quickly. :) I know that it's all in God's timing...but I'm starting to get anxious.
If you think of it, please say a prayer for me as I meet with Dr S tomorrow. Pray that God will calm my heart, and that He may give Dr S the wisdom that he needs to deal with my jacked up body!! My appointment is at ten, I'll update sometime after that...
God bless you all.

Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Hi Gals...I just wanted to take a second and share about an amazing new site that was launched this week. :) It's creator is an amazing lady named Kristin Cook. You can visit her personal blog here.
Her new blogger site is called "Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope". Kristin has compiled stories of precious ladies who have experienced loss. Whether it be miscarriage,stillbirth, or infant loss. It's a really amazing site!!
A special thanks to Kristin for coming up with such an awesome idea!!!!
If you or someone you know have experienced a loss such as these women, please visit Kristin's new site and submit a story!! :) And spread the word!!!

25 Reasons I Love You More Than Ice Cream...

1. You're always there for me.
2. You don't judge me.
3. You love me unconditionally.
4. You're my best friend.
5. You always tell me what you think,
6. You provide for me.
7. You stick up for me (even when you know I'm wrong).
8. You always kiss me goodnight.
9. You never let a day pass without telling me that you love me.
10. You make me laugh.
11. You are always honest with me.
12. You care about how I feel.
13. You love my family.
14. You stay married to me (lol).
15. You always know what I need, even when I don't.
16. You always put others before yourself.
17. You love children.
18. You rub my back (all the time!).
19. You pray with me.
20. You admit when you are wrong.
21. You are not proud.
22. You smile when you see me.
23. You are you.
24. You love me for me.
25. You are the reason I'm a mommy.

a thought.

" Whatever you cannot change has changed you."

~Moboluwaji Raphael Ojo~

Interesting thought, at least I think so. The one thing that I want to change more than anything has changed me more than I ever thought possible.

I love you Lillian Joy Smith!! Thanks for changing my life...

this is my life...live your own!

Okay...tonight is a rant and rave kinda night. So bare with me please :) There is this person. I like this person. I even love this person. But this person drives me crazy. Possibly worse than any other person has ever driven me crazy. (And no, it's not my husband! hehe)

It seems as every time I "play nice" I get burned over and over again. And frankly, I'm done with it. I don't need the extra drama in my life. It's just not worth it right now.

I feel as if this person says and does things just to see what kind of reaction they can get out of me... and I hate feeling like that. I wish I could tell this person that they shouldn't live their life for me...that they should live it for themselves.

Everything that I do, it's like this person has to do it better. Like I'm in constant competition. And I don't want it to be like this.

Can't I have just one thing that's mine? Can't I do one thing without this person trying to do it better?? Let me have my life...live your own!!

*sigh* I don't want to go into detail about any of it, not even who the person is. I don't know if they would read this or not, and I don't want to give anyone a bad rep. :) This is my place to share my feelings...and that's just what I'm doing tonight. I'm complaining...and sharing my feelings, in a round about way.

I've known this person for what seems like forever, and I don't want to hurt them... but enough is enough. This person can continue to try and mimic my life, I don't care anymore. I like being myself, not someone else. I would think that this person would want their own life as well. Their own unique ideas, and life choices. But if they are not capable of doing so on their own, then I guess I will just have to deal with it. There is nothing that I can do to change it, so I am choosing to ignore it from here on out.

So, that's it. They want to get a rise out of me? They won't. This person thinks that they can cut me down with their words? It's not going to work. They want to be me? Go ahead...you're crazy for it, but whatever! ha! Think that you can make me hate you because of your actions? Not even close. Wanna know why?? Because I'm bigger than that. And I don't believe that God would want me to have bad feelings towards this person. So I chose to close the door on this relationship, at least for now.

Ah. I feel a little better now. Sorry for being so vague, but I just had to blow off a little steam before I said some mean things that I would regret later.

Please pray that I would keep the right, Christ honoring attitude towards this person. And that God may lay it on their heart not to try and mirror their life after mine (who would want my life?) but that they may want to live their own.

the bottom line...

is that I'm not pregnant. Took a pregnancy test today, and once again I am haunted by the "one liner". It's okay though. We were 99% sure this would be the answer this month anyways. Though, it's still hard to swallow. Ya know?

Drs appointment still on for Wednesday, and we are praying hard that we will be on our way to baby number two by the time our five visits with Dr S are up!

Please pray!!!

he's home

Thanks to all who have prayed for our friend Joe. He came home from the hospital today, but is still in major pain.

Doctors did a cat scan this morning, and the spot that they were in question about yesterday was fine. Praise the Lord!

They have a scheduled consultation on Monday morning with the doctors to talk about his surgery, which should be on either Wednesday or Thursday.

:) He was sent home with plenty of pain meds...so he's good to go for now. Please continue to pray as he begins the healing process.

Update on Joe

Joe fell off a ladder, I don't know from how high. He is in the hospital - in pretty rough shape. Clif is with him, his wife, and their daughter now.
Joe's collar bone is completely shattered and will need reconstructive surgery. He also has eight staples in his head. They did a cat scan, and seem to think that they have found something.
I don't know all of the details. I am headed to the hospital to be with everyone and help out with the baby.
Please continue to keep Joe and the family in your prayers. Thanks in advance to you all.