Monday, January 3, 2011

...round & round we go!

I feel like every post I write is the same. I guess that's why I don't post as often as I once did. Though, it's still pretty often! :)

The last couple of days have been weird for me. I've had a lot of little things creep in...things that I have tried to block out...things that I try not to remember very often...things that hurt.

Today started off with me thinking of the morning I went into the hospital. I can't help but remember how I was a bundle of nerves...waiting to meet my daughter. We were so excited...so nervous. Never in a million years did we see such heartache coming...

Last night we went out of town to a funeral. I can't remember if we've been to one since Lilly died or not. That's pretty bad, isn't it? Anyway...sitting in the chapel...breathing in stale air, and room filled with the scent of carnations. I remembered the pain...pure hell that we went through, or so it seemed. For the first time in a while, I felt numb.

Ya know what's weird?? When you've been through the things that Clif and I have (and many others!)... and still don't know what to say to people who are suffering a loss of their own. It's hard to come up with words to say... because you know with all your heart that you can talk all day long, and nothing takes away the pain.

I guess that you can say that I've done a lot of remembering these last few days. I guess, in a way, it's good for me. But then again...maybe not.

It's been a weird & long eleven days. And I've still got a few left before testing... I'm nervous. I'm scared... I'm excited, yet... I don't "feel" pregnant. I feel like I'm spinning in circles.  **Sigh** I hate this waiting...

9 comments:

Crystal Theresa said...

praying that in a few days you'll find out that sweet Lilly will have a baby brother or sister on the way <3.

Lindsey said...

I'll be praying for you Desiree! I've been checking in to see when you put up new posts. :)

Trennia said...

We too went to a funeral for visitation my heart was heavy for the family but your right it does bring back the hurt...thinking and praying for you.

Radiant Readhead said...

oh i have all of my fingers and toes crossed for you!!

Allyson Shockley said...

I love you Des! <3

Dana said...

I often find that I don't know what to say to my husband when he is feeling badly, I guess since i know that nothing can take the pain away. It is strange when the numbness descends and the flashbacks are always hard.

Megan said...

I tested at 13 days passed IUI and got my BFP . . . I know how hard it is to test . . . and how hard it is to wait! Good luck and we are praying for you!

Sarah said...

Praying for you Des! It is so scary to POAS you want a BFP and you are scared you'll get one all at the same time. Then when you get it, new fears creep in. I will pray that God will remind you of his plans for you constantly the next few days.
Oh and I think the best thing to say when others are grieving is either nothing - just give them a big ole I love you hug and squeeze them so tight that for a moment they don't feel so alone, or a simple "I'm sorry" the one thing I have learned this year is that there are never enough words to comfort humans in pain - well unless they are Gods words...Of course you know this, I wish all people knew this simple truth

Caroline said...

Praying real hard for you.

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