As November 13th draws closer, I can't help but being overcome by memories of these days...two years ago.
It's weird the things that you remember. Small things that don't even matter. Like...laying on the couch, texting Clif while he was at work. Telling him all about the crazy movements that Lilly was making inside of me.
Black jack tacos. Yes, tacos. Laugh if you want :) but Clif and I ate at Taco Bell every single day (literally) for the last two weeks of my pregnancy. Black jack's were by far the best taco that they EVER invented... and when I asked about them this last pregnancy, they told me that they had such bad feed back on them - that they wouldn't be bringing them back! So sad... but funny that even something as silly as a limited time taco will forever remind me of my little girl, and that it will always be something special between me and her...because apparently, no one else liked them!
The highlight of Halloween two years ago? :) Waiting for Clif to get off of work and take me into town (this was a treat considering I was on bed rest... I lived for car rides) to Sonic and get 25 cent corn dogs! Can you tell that a lot of my first pregnancy revolved around food? haha.
I remember sitting on my parents couch, every day that Clif was working, spending HOURS on facebook. Playing brick breaker...or something like that. A very addictive game...it was to the point of addiction for a while.
There were Chinese food runs, foot rubs, late night phone calls to my dad begging for ice pops...and the biggest highlight of my every day life then, my nightly shower. :)
And then there is the night of November 12th. I had been to the doctor that day, Dr.G checked me...and I was barely dilated a 1 cm (stupid cervix), and Lillian Joy sounded wonderful. Dr.G told us to go out and enjoy one last dinner before becoming parents. And we did. Logan's Roadhouse... I remember sitting in the booth across from Clif, feeling incredibly uncomfortable...but not complaining, because I knew it would all be over the next day. I also remember barely fitting in the booth...haha!
Most of all, I remember Lilly. I remember the thoughts running through my head as I experienced pregnancy (in all it's glory) for the very first time. I was so scared... but so excited. I remember feeling flutters for the first time...yes Clif, at the catfish ponds. ;) And I remember the day that Lilly (though we didn't know SHE was a SHE yet) woke me up kicking for the first time. *sigh* There are so many good memories of that little girl... in fact, all the memories I have of her are good...all except the memory of losing her. The memory of the nurses searching for her heart beat. The memory of them calling Dr.G, him coming in with the ultrasound tech, lights going off... and I am haunted by the memory of seeing her lifeless little body on the screen.
God is bigger though! Through losing our precious Lilly, we have learned SO much. We have learned to lean on Him more than ever, and we've learned to lean on one another. We learned not to take things or people for granted. We learned to let go. Ah, that little girl has taught us so much in the last two years... and continues to do so.
Though I dread it, I look forward to celebrating Lillian Joy's second birthday in Heaven, two weeks from today.
Clif and I plan to take the triplets to the cemetery...to "meet" their big sister, though we know that meeting won't come until Heaven. I've already picked out what we will fill her vase with. :) No flowers this year, just sparkly leaves.
I guess with every passing year, we take little steps towards healing. This year, I think I will make cupcakes in memory of her birthday...I'll talk about her more. I'll make sure everyone knows it's her birthday...and I'll tell of how a little girl that never took a breath, this side of Heaven, changed my life forever.
We love you Lillian Joy...and we always will, Baby Girl!