frumpy,grumpy and down in the dumpy.

Thank the Lord I am going to see a movie with a friend tonight. *sigh* Clif is still on night shifts and has to work all weekend. BOO!

I guess you can say I'm...sad. Not depressed really, but definitely sad. I started using the fertility monitor again this month, and so far it's just "low fertility". Last month as soon as I started testing, it was reading "high fertility". :( I'm trying not to get down in the dumps...but it's hard.

Oh yeah....AND I am bloated and look like a fat cow.

But then on the bright side, maybe last month the medicine was interfering with the machine... and this month the machine is working? It's day 8...so we shall see. I finish up my Clomid tomorrow.

I'm anxious...I'm scared, and I'm hopeful.

Onto another depressing note. I was invited to a baby shower. Well, this person told my mom that I was invited, but they understood if I didn't come. I had half way planned on going. It was for a girl who had a miscarriage a while back, and I've known her husband for like my whole life. But then the other night I found out that her sister in law is pregnant. I'm so excited for both of these girls, but I told my mom I just can't be in a room with that many pregnancy hormones. NOT a good idea. And I don't want to dampen the mood of the whole shower with my presence. Plus, I don't know if she's having a boy or girl. And that would have been a factor in going anyways. If it were a girl...there is no way. I just can't handle it right now...and I think that's okay.

Everyone is pregnant and I'm starting to feel like, "uh hello! what about me?" When I became pregnant with Lilly, no one was pregnant. Well, ok I did know one person at the time...but we weren't speaking. Then it was like as soon as we announced it, everyone was trying. And ended up pregnant...and having healthy,happy, LIVE babies. Now that I'm not pregnant and WANT to be, EVERYONE is announcing that they are pregnant. Seriously, I know SO many people that either JUST had a baby in the last few weeks....getting ready to pop any minute....or going to be due in the coming months.

I find myself thinking more and more about adoption, but I just feel like that's me trying to find the easy way out. A quick "fix" if you will. I think, well if we adopted an infant it wouldn't depend on my body. It would be safe, and hopefully uneventful. But then I think of how God must look at those thoughts. I need to trust my Heavenly Father - in that, if He sees fit to entrust me with another life within me - that He will give me the health and stamina to make it through 38 weeks.

I am desperately praying that He will bless us with another baby. I know that our prayers do not go unheard. He cares what I'm praying, and I am looking forward to an answer. One thing that I have to accept though is that the answer I receive may not be the one that I want.

I'm Terrified...

But I know that God will see me through EVERY storm in my life, just as He has these last months.

July 13th will be eight months. My heart continues to break as November draws near. I am so thankful to have such a wonderful employer that is allowing me to take a week off right around November 13th. Clif and I are just going to leave town. I can't even begin to tell you the grief that takes over my heart when I even think about that trip...