what do YOU think?

I'll be honest. Normally, I am not the type person to really think twice about what people may or may not think about me.
But I have recently stumbled upon a subject that I might just care about what people think.

Pregnancy.Children. And me.

So many people have followed our story. Our struggle of getting pregnant with Lilly, our journey through the grief of losing Lillian. Our long road (or what seemed like it) of becoming pregnant again, and the {what seemed like} eternity that I was pregnant with the triplets. There are so many people that stood by my side through this last pregnancy. So many people prayed on a daily basis for the safety of myself, and our three precious babies that I carried.

Yes, we lost our first child due to pregnancy complications, caused by my unexplained high blood pressure. Yes, we prayed, prayed, prayed to become pregnant... and after overcoming many things, we did become pregnant. Yes, I had some of the same struggles with my triplet pregnancy that I did with my pregnancy with Lilly. It was scary, and there wasn't a day that went by that I didn't pray that God would bless the tiny little beings that I carried within me.

I know that there were people who thought our babies would never make it into this world alive. I know that while people smiled at me on the outside, there were negative thoughts running through their minds. I couldn't deliver ONE baby into this world safely, what made me think that I could deliver THREE?

All of that plays a part, but is definitely not what I worry that people may judge me about.

Not saying that we are...not saying that we are not... but... what if, in time...there is a possibility that Clif and I would want to try and become pregnant a third time. What if we decide that we want a fifth child?

Is that selfish? Our Lillian Joy left us too soon, we prayed for another blessing... and God blessed us with three. Would I be a horrible person if I wanted more children?

I'll be honest... I do want more children. Crazy, I know. In fact, as several people I know are announcing that they are expecting... I feel a little {very very tiny}bit of jealousy. BUT...before you judge, let me say that I get over the jealous feelings VERY quickly. I don't in any way envy anyone that is pregnant right now. Clif and I have been incredibly blessed with four precious children, three of which are here with us on Earth. Three that keep me busy all the time! Not to mention that I feel like I have been pregnant for the last three years of my life. Which really, since I was 21 years old (just turned 24), I have either been trying to become pregnant, been pregnant, or recovering from a pregnancy. I'm actually loving the fact that my body is mine again. No pregnancy, no fertility drugs... no charting, counting, blah blah blah. I have finally lost ALL my baby weight, from both pregnancies... and I am 7 pounds away from being the same weight I was the day I was married to my love <3 I still have 18 pounds to go until I reach my goal, which is the weight that I was when Clif and I got together almost seven years ago! I'm excited. I feel healthy for the first time in years. I didn't go on any crazy crash diet...I chose weight watchers, a change of life. A change of eating. And it has worked wonders.Not only that, but in the last couple of weeks I have begun to exercise. Not a lot, but, I do run on the elliptical six days a week...for at least 5 miles at a time. I know that's not huge... but when you go from doing absolutely NOTHING, I think it's a pretty big step.

All that to say that I'm happy with where I am in life. I'm happy with me for the first time in a very very long time. So no, I don't "want" a baby right now. If it were to happen, it would most definitely be a "God thing"... and we wouldn't be upset... but, it would really have to be His will to make it happen.

But...I have said since becoming pregnant with the triplets, that I might would like to have another baby when the triplets start school. They would be five, I would be 28ish. We definitely would not go the IUI route again, but...who knows! Now this is just talk...I promise. We are most definitely NOT talking about having another baby. There are absolutely NO plans, and NO talk. :) But... it's just a thought that crossed my mind the other day that made me wonder. If my kids start school, and I decide...hey! I want another baby...would that be...selfish? Would it be asking too much? Hmmmm...

{Completely random side note, but do I have any artist readers that would want to sketch something for me? A possible tattoo...but maybe not...it's something that I'm toying with... but I don't have an artistic bone in my body! IF so, email me!!! :) smithfam07@hotmail.com}