i miss her.

Today has been a weird day for me.

I ended up cleaning out Lillian's nursery MONTHS ago... sorting through all of her things, packing away things that I felt would always belong to her and only her, and passing down items to her sister (and brothers) that I thought they would be able to benefit from.

Today... my mom came over and helped me do another clean out. I never realized how quickly kids would grow out of things. Not just clothes, but sooooo many other baby items. It cracks me that all these must have baby items only last a few months and then you have absolutely NO use for them again.

Anyway, in honor of me going back to work... I realized that I needed to do a major clean out so that things didn't continue to pile up at home. And that's what we did.

What I didn't realize what that not only did I struggle with emotions of passing Lilly's things on to her siblings... but now I deal with the emotions of selling/giving these items to complete strangers. 

I had one of "those" moments today, with Clif. I still have Lilly's car seat. It's brand new, never been used. It has left our house two times. The first, on November 12th, the night before Lilly was born... and then again sometime in July, when we took it to the hospital for Elliana.

I'll admit, I was secretly happy when Clif and I decided to purchase a new car seat for Elliana before she was discharged from the hospital, to match the boys' car seats, that way we wouldn't have to deal with different bases, ect.

*sigh* Well, my moment was... I don't want to get rid of the car seat. But how do I justify KEEPING the car seat?

Okay... I admit, the above sounds really stupid when I put it on paper. Or, well... computer screen. ;) Lilly never once touched her car seat. In my mind, she should have, but... in the end... she didn't. Yes, the car seat was purchased for her... it was hers, is hers? But... I can't hold on to every little thing. Can I? Ugh.

And on top of not being able to keep every little thing, it's also selfish. Well, at least I think it is. Why keep perfectly good baby items that someone could USE, while me keeping them isn't doing anything but collecting dust. :-/

Clif doesn't open up and talk about "things" very often... not that he keeps anything bottled up, he's just not that type of guy. But when confiding in him about these things before he headed off to work, he responded with: we both have SO many things that remind us of Lilly.

Not only do we have physical things (a lock of her hair, the blanket she was wrapped in, pictures, footprints...a ring that she wore...), but we have SO many memories. Kind of odd saying that we have SO many memories when she never breathed a breath on this Earth, huh?

It's not just the car seat. It's sooo many things. Things that she never used...things that the triplets didn't even get a chance to use.

I don't know... I just feel like I am not being true to my baby girl, and maybe... I'm just letting myself hurt a little.

Life has been so incredibly hectic these past months...well, year, really... I honestly haven't had much time to stop and just miss her. And oh do I miss her. More with each passing moment. I can't help but wonder what life would be like. I have to say...I wouldn't trade the happenings of my/our life, for anything. As horrible as that makes me sound. I feel with everything that I am, that everything that has happened has happened for a reason. Everything that we have experienced was part of His plan.

*sigh*