family.

Today I went to a family reunion. I had to go without my husband, because of his conflicting work schedule.

I really thought it would be okay, being by myself I mean. My parents were there, my brother,niece, nephew...cousins, aunts & uncles. But it was a lot harder than I had anticipated.

When we walked up, I saw a familiar face...one that I hadn't seen in two years. My uncle Rufus. He's my grandpa's only living brother. My grandpa has been gone for nine years. Since his funeral, I kind of took to my uncle Rufus. He looks so much like my pawpa. I love both of those men very much.

I went to my uncle, expecting him not to know who I was. You see, he'll be 94 years old in November. But as soon as I made eye contact, he knew me. Without a doubt. It made me feel good on the inside. And it also made me sad.

Uncle Rufus loved Clif when he met him. He even managed to come to our wedding (Pretty sure he drove himself) three years ago. Every time we went to see him after we were married, he would always look at my stomach and say, "no bump yet?". I was terrified that he'd ask. How could I have told him? I had decided that I wouldn't tell him...that I'd play it off. But how could I do that and dishonor my baby girl?? Thank God he didn't ask. :)

Whew.

I avoided talking to too many people. You see, last year Clif and I went together...with Lilly (very apparent) in my tummy. I didn't want people to ask. I didn't want people to feel sorry for me - though I know that a lot of them already knew.

There was a moment that I thought that I would lose it. The relative who heads the reunion up every year was talking. He was asking if there were any newly weds, any active military men/women... and then he asked if there were any new babies this year. My heart was in my throat. He didn't ask if there were any deaths...people tend to block out the sad stuff.

People are so oblivious to my pain. Oblivious to the pain of all babyloss mama & daddy's. And I'm glad. I don't want anyone to know this pain.


And on top of all of that, and having to face it "alone"... AF decided to pay me a visit. And let's just say...she's letting it be known that she's here. I actually stayed home from church tonight. Very unlike me. *sigh* I am really dreading work tomorrow.

Today just hurt.