i surrender...

I surrender all...I surrender all...all to Jesus, I surrender... I surrender ALL

Today has been...a day.



It actually started out last night when I checked my blood pressure and it was higher than usual. It really worried me, to the point that I almost called the doctor on call. :) But I refrained. Of course, as long as I was laying/resting it was more than perfect. Plus we had an appointment with Dr.G this morning.

We arrived and were almost immediately called back for weight,blood pressure & urine collection. I guess that's where it started because I didn't get a chance to sit and rest like I normally do. Clif had offered to drop me off at the door, but me being me insisted that I walk, which...really, it's not a long walk. But you've gotta realize that I've been on the couch for WEEKS with hardly ANY exercise.

My blood pressure was of course high. It normally is, well... not high, but "borderline" as they call it. Well today it was still "borderline"... but it made me uncomfortable. I was already having and off day because of the high readings last night, plus... I just felt weepy. By the way, I gained two pounds :)

My nurse came to get us soon after blood pressure was taken, and she always makes me feel better. I expressed my concern to her about my blood pressure from last night & this morning. She really didn't act like it was a huge deal...saying that they were used to high readings at the office.

I told her that it's not just my blood pressure... but I'm just a few days shy of being 30 weeks pregnant (with triplets!), and that my anxiety levels have been rising by the day. I won't lie... I think about things, a lot. But...how could I not? When the Three Little E's are napping, I wonder...are they okay? When my blood pressure goes up I worry... am I effecting their fluid? It truly is a constant battle to keep from losing it.

Be still my soul, the Lord is on your side...

I think of the things that must have happened during the days that led up to Lilly's passing. I think about things that happened within my body that I was never even aware of. And it doesn't help that I'm reminded at every single doctor's appointment about my loss.

Today's appointment with Dr.G went well, as most of our appointments have thus far. I was telling Clif before we were called back that I was anxious because I knew that we wouldn't be getting an ultrasound today... and our next one is not scheduled until next Thursday. I was worried about the babies, about their growth...the fluid levels.

When Dr.G came in the room, he said that we didn't have an ultrasound scheduled... but he was going to hijack T's exam room so that we could have one :) He actually did it himself, which, was pretty comical. It took him a while to figure out how to turn the machine on, and then he couldn't figure out which wand to use. Too funny. As soon as he told me what we were doing, he asked if i was okay with that. He just is really cautious about looking for the heart beats with the doppler (which is fine with me!). I told him how much better that would make me feel. It's like he read my mind.

It was pretty cool because, though we didn't hear our babies heart beats today...we saw them. And Dr.G, just by watching them could tell what their heart rate's were (okay, I know it's not that big of a deal... but it was cool).

We asked about the fluids, and he responded with, "well...they look a little lower..." I freaked out. My mind started racing (and Clif's too)... I was ready to tell the doctor that I knew what the risks were delivering this early, but I wanted to go to the hospital ASAP. :) He then went on to explain that as the babies get bigger...it's normal for the fluids to get lower. Which, after thinking about it... it makes sense. He reassured us that the fluids were normal, and showed us several pockets around each baby. Clif and I both asked him several times if it was normal, and if there was anything to be concerned about. And again, he assured us that it was normal.

Clif told him that I was worried about my next ultrasound being so far away (okay, only a week... but still). He asked if it would make me a little more at ease if when I brought in my urine collection (oh yes, 24 hour urine collection starts Monday morning...fun stuff!) on Tuesday, if I had an ultrasound to check on them. I could have kissed him on the mouth. I told him that would make me feel SOOOO much better.

He also explained to us that with the advanced equipment at the prenatal center, that they would be able to predict problems with my fluids & placentas before they occurred (in most cases). We are so praying that Dr.D wants to start seeing me twice a week starting after this coming up week!

I also expressed my concern about my blood pressure with Dr.G today, and we all agreed that instead of STOPPING the medication that we actually add another pill. Because of my "being so big" (yes, he said that)... the anxiety, and my blood pressure in general... it would be best to take the precaution.

Our C-section is scheduled for August 3rd, or at least we are assuming so. We weren't told a date or time... but then again, it's a good ways away. Dr.G also told me that I have a 50/50 chance of actually MAKING it to my scheduled c-section date. After reviewing the babies "score cards" from Tuesday, he says that Eli might be growing at a faster pace than Easton & Elliana. Which, I don't know about that... the boys are measuring pretty much the same. Easton actually weighs more. I explained that it had to do with the practice breathing, which he already knew. Again, he told us how their birth day could weigh on several different things. So we will see.

Two appointments this coming up week. One on Tuesday at Dr.G's office, but I'm seeing Dr.M. And then one at the PDC with Dr.D (not sure which one yet).

As for the random lyrics scattered throughout...today after the appointment, though we had a good report... I was still very anxious. Stressed. Whatever. Clif had to run in the grocery store, so I sat in the car and listened to Selah Hymns... and I don't know, it calmed me. I felt better. :)

"I surrender all" has been stuck in my head all day. And I am going to give it my darnedest to surrender everything daily until these little ones get here.

He has a plan for these babies... and nothing that I (or any of my doctors) do can change the course of that plan. They are in His hands.

I have one request, and then I will close. Please say a prayer for a friend, A, who had a routine prenatal appointment today (@16 weeks). They were not able to find a heart beat, and she eventually found out that their baby had passed away in the last 48 hours. The first words that come to mind are, "I can't imagine". But I can... and I hate that A and her husband are having to endure this pain. Please pray for them as they face the decisions (and days) ahead.