Lillian Joy Smith {year three}

Dear Lilly Bean,
 It's hard to believe it's been three years since the day I first laid eyes on you. Three years since we held you in our arms for the first time...and three years since the last time we held you in our arms.
 The last three years have been a rollercoaster of emotions, and events. But in everything I do, no matter what happens... there is never a day that my thoughts don't come back to you in some way.
 The pain that Daddy and I felt on that cool November day are still incredibly vivid in my mind. It feels like it was just yesterday that we heard Dr.Garcia utter those earth-shattering words, "no heartbeat".
 But...as much pain that still lingers...we rest in knowing that you are safe in the arms of Jesus. We'll never have to worry about this evil world bringing harm to you. I find great comfort in that promise. And even more comforting, I know I'll see you again!
 I miss you, Little Girl. I feel like I miss you more than anyone could ever imagine. So many times I'll catch my self feeling genuinely happy...and can't help but think that the only thing missing is, the only person missing - is you. A little three year old you... which is odd thinking about...because you'll always be a chubby-little-five-pounder-baby-girl in Mommy's mind. A little girl who is forever a part of me. A little girl that I will always carry in my heart.
 Rest safe in His arms, Baby Girl. Until we meet again....

-Mommy

November 9,2012

It's November 9th...2012. Well, at least it will be in the next hour or so.

I don't even know where to begin. I haven't been here consistantly for such a long time.

Yes, I'm busy... but I find time to do just about everything else...yet, I never make time to write down my thoughts anymore. I can't tell you how many blog posts I've started and never finished. Not because I didn't want to...I guess I just felt like I ran out of things to say. There's no time like the present...I guess...right?

I'm going to be honest. I've been dreading November...well, pretty much all year. I scheduled myself off of work months ago. I don't know what's different about this year...but it's like someone stuck a big piece of heavy duty duct tape on an open wound, yanks it off, and repeats...and repeats...and, well... you get the picture. Why is this year so much more painful?

Sometimes...when I'm really happy...when I find myself just enjoying life with my family, I catch myself thinking about what it would have been like if Lilly had lived. What would it be like with her here now? I sometimes picutre what it would be like for 16 month old Eli, Easton & Elliana playing with their *almost* three year old sister.

Forgive me... but I'm having one of those, "Why isn't she here with us? She was my world before she was even born, and she was ripped away from me before I even got the chance to know her. Why why why?" kind of days. Don't get me wrong, I still have peace. I know where my little girl is, and Who she is with. I know and believe with all of my heart that there is a reason for everything. But I can't help but feel "down" (for lack of better word) every now and again.

I haven't had a good cry in a while. There are so many emotions that I have felt in the last three years, sometimes I feel like a nut job :) But tonight... in the quiet of my bedroom...I let the tears fall. Hard. And lots of them! I listened to music that brings back memories of my precious Lilly Bean, and looked through her hospital pictures. The only pictures that I have of my little girl.

As Lilly's birthday quickly approaches, I find my heart aching...an ache like I've never felt before.