Feelin' The Love

Jen remembering my sweet Lilly Bean. Thanks Jen, that meant SO much to me. Too sweet...

A gift from Caroline... I received it in the mail a few weeks ago, and was so touched that I have people all over the US (and world) that are thinking of me.

Posting these because I just want to say that I am thankful that God has blessed me with so many supportive friends, family, and Internet friends. You are all the best!

Happy (?) Babylost Mother's Day!

That's what FAITH can do.

=) This is the mug that I bought myself the other day. In honor of my hearts desire, and mine and Clif's prayers. We are praying faithfully for a second little one...and maybe a third too.
Here is a song that I've had stuck in my head lately, and I just wanted to share...


~What Faith Can Do~ by Kutless

Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes and make a new beginning
Anyone can feel the ache
You think its more than you can take
But you are stronger, stronger than you know
Don't you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining

I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do

It doesn't matter what you've heard
Impossible is not a word
It's just a reason for someone not to try
Every body's scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It'll be alright
Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing

I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do

Overcome the odds
You don't have a chance
(That's what faith can do)
When the world says you can't
It'll tell you that you can!

I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do
That's what faith can do!
Even if you fall sometimes
You will have the strength to rise

Two hearts... full of hope.

Clif's heart...and mine too. =) We are full of hope as I begin a new cycle. Well, as I go and pick up the medication to start a new cycle. HA!

I talked to the nurse today and told her that I took a test last night...and it was another one liner. Boo! So, she talked to Dr.G and had him call in my Provera. Bleh. So, it's back to lovely medication for ten days, and hopefully it won't take as long to do it's job this time.

But we are hopeful. One of my friends has a friend (confusing, huh?) who was on Clomid for quite some time...and never got pregnant. She went of the medication and bought a clearblue fertility monitor...and now she has like a 12 year old.

Anyways, she still has the machine...which sell for about two hundred dollars. And she is letting me use it!! Yay! I had never heard of them before. You use these test sticks and put them in the machine and it tells you when you are most fertile. =) I'm really excited about using it!!

So, we covet your prayers once again this month. Pray that God will bless...and that He will prepare our hearts for what is to come.

I hope and pray that each one of you has a wonderful weekend...God Bless!

What Miracles Are Made Of...

Okay, so it has taken me half the week to finally put my thoughts/feelings into words. But here they are:



~*~Ingredients of A Miracle~*~



1)Troubling Circumstance.

-You won't see a miracle unless there is a need

2)Humble Servant.

-Do you believe God can use you?

3)Prayer.

-You don't have because you don't ask!

4)Obedience.

-God wants us to obey, and to trust in Him.

5)Action.

-The last step is the hardest...stepping out and trusting in the Lord.

-We must put our lives in the hand of God.



The missionary wasn't exactly talking about MY situation in his sermon, but it spoke to me in that way! I do have a troubling circumstances...I do believe that I can be used of God, and that I have already been. I am trying on a daily basis to obey Him, and to trust Him completely! And now I am taking action...and am putting my life, and the lives of my future children in the Lord's hands.

This is hard...and I am going to have to give everything up to Him on a daily basis! But I do believe, and I know that God is going to do mighty things in mine and Clif's lives. With or without more children.

We are praying faithfully that God will bless us with more children, and quickly! And even though we would rather a baby be part of our lives sooner than later...we know and understand that His timing is everything.

Please continue to pray with us on this. =) We are praying for a DOUBLE blessing. We would so love for Him to bless us with twins.

not consistant with ovulation...

Yup. Those are the lovely, not so encouraging words that I got to hear today. Bleh. I called my nurse to find out my progesterone levels, and she said, "your levels are not consistant with ovulation". Of course, I guess there is that slim chance that I ovulated early and it didn't show up on the test (?)...because they still want me to take a pregnancy test on Friday if my cycle hasn't started yet.
So, more than likely... I will go back on Provera to start my cycle (unless my body decides to do it on it's own), and then Dr. G has already called in my clomid, which he has doubled the dose of.
Please just say a prayer for Clif and me... even though I didn't really expect anything to happen this month, it's still hard to swallow the disappointment.
I know that God will bless, and I chose to continue to trust in Him. =) We've done this once, and I know that with His help...we can do it again.
I have another post all ready in my head...I just have to type it out. So be on the lookout. It's about yesterday mornings sermon about miracles. It was just what I needed to hear, and though the missionary wasn't preaching about what my heart was touched by, it worked! And it was amazing...just what I needed!! God is good, isn't He?

sticks and stones may break my bones...

and words sometimes hurt me.

Yup. This is how I'm feeling today. May not be right of me, and may be childish..but it's how I feel just the same.

It just seems to me that sometimes people say things just to see if I will react to it. To see if their little daggers will effect me.

I'm trying my best to roll with the punches...just not let anything get to me. But I'm not perfect. I've asked the Lord to help me in this area, that he may take away my negative attitude toward people and replace it with love. This part of me is still under construction. Please bare with me. =)

Ovaries...you GO girls!

Ah, my long day is finally coming to a close. I am SO tired, and ready to get some much needed sleep before a busy Friday AND Saturday at work. =)
So first have to say that I had a wonderful afternoon chatting it up with Aleisha. So nice to have much needed girl time. So, Aleisha if you are reading this... I love you and thanks for being there for me.
And now...the doctors appointment. I guess it wasn't quite as bad as the last time, but it was still rough. I had to have the sonogram of course, and this particular doctors office only has the one room....so this is the room where I first saw my daughter...heard her heart beat... found out that she was a girl!!! And I had to go back in there today and start at square one.
While the tech was doing to sono...she randomly asked me if I have PCOS (poly cystic ovary syndrome). So I started to FREAK out...seriously. I laid there, tears threatening...thinking that my ovaries were covered in cysts.
Long story short, after the sono they took my blood pressure and of course after her asking my that question...it was up. Imagine that.
I got back to the exam room and the doctor asked if they had reviewed my sonogram with me. I told him no, they had not. He was like, well everything looks good...your ovaries are clean...no cysts. REALLY? I looked at him and said, "excuse me"? He said that I sounded shocked and I told him what the sono tech "V" had said, so he checked again. Sure enough, they were clean...no cysts. He claims that she probably asked that so she knew how to code to sono. Supposedly some people who have PCOS take Clomid to get pregnant...and I guess she thought that I was one of those people. Crazy.
So that's it... if I don't start my cycle in 7-10 days I am supposed to go back for a pregnancy test. If I'm not pregnant, I will start taking Provera again and then a second round of Clomid. Happy happy joy joy. ha!
Well, that's all for now...if I don't write again... hope everyone has a GREAT weekend. If you get a chance, say a prayer for me...and that if it be God's will that I may not have to take another round of Clomid next month. But if I do, please pray that God will give my peace about it.
Also, please pray for the "H" family. They lost an amazing woman of God to cancer last night. Devastating. She was such a beautiful woman, inside and out.

Inventive...or maybe just plain crazy.

So most of you know that we are trying to sell our house. And if you've ever been through the process of selling your house, you know that you have to keep it spotless because at any given moment someone could drop in on ya to see the house.
Well, this morning I had to be at work at 7:45. I try to always be 15 minutes early. I like about 15 minutes away from work, so when working this shift, I always leave at like 7:10-7:15.
My alarm went off at 6:30, I got up...showered...laid out my clothes, made the bed, dusted, cleaned mirrors, picked up some clothes...and took care of some dishes. Then I headed back to the bathroom, brushed teeth, put on my make up...turned on my flat iron to start heating. I finally got dressed, and all I had left was to dry my hair and put a little style to it.
I pulled my hair dryer out from under the sink (because of course I can't leave it out for people to see ha!) and I plugged it in. I hit the power button...nothing. I hit the reset button on the outlet... nothing. I even took the hair dryer to my bedroom and plugged it in... still nothing!!! I was like, really?
So...I brushed it, put a little hairspray on it...hit it with the flat iron hoping that it would help it dry some (no luck) and headed out of the door.
As I said before, I work in a bank. Which kind of requires a semi professional look, even if I am behind the teller line! So....wanna know how I dried my hair this morning? You guessed it, I got into my car..it was like 50 degrees outside..and I blasted the heat the whole 15 minute ride to work. Leaning my hair into the vents, and brushing the whole time too.
Needless to say, I'm sure the other drivers on the interstate got a kick out of my stupidity. But my hair got dry...almost completely. It was still a little damp in the back, but it was satisfactory. It's flat...and straight as a pin... but it worked. =) May not be THAT funny to y'all... but I found it quite amusing...and a very interesting start to my Tuesday morning.
=) Off to the doctor tomorrow...then to see Aleisha and Goddaughter T :-) I'm sure I'll post when I get home!

He's so good...

God is so good....God is so good....God is so good, He's so good to ME!

Ahh, I love that song. =)

So it's been a little while since I last blogged, and a lot has happened. Good stuff, of course. I actually can't remember it all... it's been a busy busy week, and I have been running around like a chicken with its head cut off! haha!
Well, I got a job promotion...so I'm really excited about that. I'm now the teller manager...or head teller, whatever you want to call it. =) I got a good raise, and I'm just happy all around. I applied for it like a month and a half ago, and it took that long to get an answer... but I'm glad that it did because it gave me the time to get the feel for the position. I really enjoy it. I went to my first meeting today, which I really enjoyed.
Things are going slow with the house selling, but they are going just the same. Our realtor had three people call on it over the weekend that seem really interested in it, so we will see how that goes.
I had an emotionally draining afternoon yesterday...had some body issues that freaked me out, but I think it's all ok now.
Please be praying for me, I go back to the doctor on Thursday. I'll be having lab work, an internal sono, and an office visit with Dr.G. I'm looking forward to it, but dreading it at the same time. Dreading it only because it's so hard to go back there empty handed. But I know I'll be alright, and if God sees fit I will not be going back empty handed forever.
Clif is back full swing at work, and loving it! I am so thankful that God has allowed BOTH of us to have wonderful jobs. Jobs that we enjoy. It's just awesome...we are so overly blessed.
The only downfall of Clif's job is that he is on a swing shift. He only works 12-13 days a month, but he works two week on days and two on nights =( so starting Monday night I am home alone at night for two weeks. I see a lot of blogging in that two week period. ha!
I hope and pray that everyone is having a blessed week. Will write more as time allows.

All Things Work Together...

Clif and I have been praying about several things concerning our life. Jobs, selling our house, and of course having another child.
Nothing is final or set in stone yet, but things are finally working together....for the good. God is answering prayers... not always the way that we would want them, but I know that it's for the best.
I just really feel like things are coming together for us. We still have many things ahead of us, but right now... I am happy. Well, as happy as I possibly can be.
I am steadily losing weight, which the more weight I lose...hopefully the easier my next pregnancy will be, if God allows there to be another one. I am doing good physically... my blood pressure is staying down (to my knowledge).
Both of our jobs are going really well... better than we deserve... better than we ever thought they would be.
I have taken on new responsibilities at my work place, and I am loving it. Loving the fact that I have things that fill my day. Something to do, something to keep me busy.
God is so good... and I know that He has great things in store for us. =)

To My Sweet Lillian Joy...

Dear Lilly,
Happy five months in Heaven, Baby Girl. I can't believe it's been that long. Actually, almost five months to the minute.
It's been five long, hard months. Daddy and I miss you more than anyone could ever imagine. We still talk about you all the time. Dream of you, even.
We're getting along better than I expected that we would be. Please don't be upset, we'll never forget you, Sweet Girl...you're constantly on our minds...and forever in our hearts.
You're my Hero, ya know that? I never thought I would "look up" to someone so small, someone who never took a breath here on earth. But you are, and I do. You have touched so many people's lives. Your story has brought several people to Christ. Your story has brought families back together. You are one amazing little girl.
I miss you, Lilly Bean. So much. Other than that, I don't really have much to say. Except for, I love you with all my heart...and always will. Oh, and again...happy five months in Heaven.

Love You,
Mommy

Scabs.

Ok, so you know when you hurt yourself and once the wound finally starts to heal, you get a scab? And you know how you sometimes run into something and knock the scab off...and it hurts all over again? Yeah...that was my weekend. Or at least my Saturday night.
This weekend was busy. Really busy. Friday was Clif's thing for work, then I took him out to eat at a Japanese restaurant to celebrate his birthday with family and friends. We went home, watched a movie...and that was the extent of our night.
Saturday was Clif's actual birthday, so we got up early...I took him out for breakfast, then we headed to Home Depot for mulch and flowers. We headed home and for like 6 hours we worked in our yard. My parents came over to help (thank the Lord)...we mowed, weed whacked =), cleaned out flower beds, mulched, and planted flowers.
By the time we finished, all four of us were exhausted. We showered up and went out to Clif's favorite Mexican place. After dinner, we headed home to finish up some last minute things on the inside of the house for our open house yesterday.
A few days earlier our realtor advised Clif to organize Lilly's room. We had been putting it off. When we got home Saturday night, we were both running around like crazy trying to get things done. Clif had said that he would take care of the Nursery, but I decided that I would do it so we could get in bed.
I go in her room pretty often...but this was different. I had to get in there, start moving things around...put things away that she would have needed to use as soon as coming home from the hospital. Needless to say by the time Clif came in there, I was in pieces. It was pretty bad. I just couldn't get it together. I cried...and cried... and then cried some more.
It broke my heart to have to be putting her things away... I keep feeling like it's dishonoring to her. I never want that room to change. I know that's stupid...childish, maybe even a little selfish. But that's how I feel.
I know that it would be SO much harder if we had brought her home from the hospital. I don't think that I would be able to cope with it as well as I have this situation.
God is good... but I'm still hurting.

Times are a changin...

I've just got this feeling that a lot of things in my life are getting ready to change. It's not a bad feeling, actually good in most ways. It's just weird. I am so used to my life, except for the fact that I am living without my daughter.
Life is moving by fast...things are happening fast. Things with our jobs, our house, our family... friends... church. Like I said, the majority of things that are changing are a definitely good things. I always thought that I was someone who welcomed change, but now I wonder.
Please pray for us as some things may be changing sooner than later. Can't really say too much more about any of it, especially Clif's end of "change" because you never know who may come upon my blog. =)
Also please continue to pray for our fertility! =) I finish up my Clomid tomorrow...and then we're just waiting for ovulation!

Mixed up.

Ever have mixed emotions over a HUGE event in your life? That's where I am at right now. As of this morning, our house is listed for sale. =/ Realtor came over last night, took pictures... and we signed our life away, again. Ha! It will be on the market starting today, and goes until Oct.31st. *sigh*
I want to get out of this house. I want a "grown up" house. I want to move closer to the city so that I am not scared to stay at home by myself at night. Don't get me wrong, if we aren't able to sell... I'll be ok. I love our house. We've done a LOT of work these last few weeks, including painting, remodeling our spare bathroom...cleaning up, getting stuff taken care of outside. This weekend we are working on the yard, putting new lattice on the porch, and planting flowers in the flower bed. Oh, and did I mention that Sunday is our open house? *cringes* It'll be ok though. Clif and I are actually going to be out of town. I'm taking him to get one of his tattoos covered up for his birthday/graduation gift.
This is where my mixed emotions come in, and if I've said this before...please forgive me as I repeat myself.
I am scared that if we sell, and when we move....that it's going to be like I am leaving Lilly behind. I don't want to leave her. I don't want to lose my memories. She'll always be with me...in my heart anyways. And I know that she never got to be in our house, but...I am going to have such a hard time leaving her room behind. It still smells fresh...pure. Like nothing has touched it. Because it hasn't. Nothing has. Her nursery has been sitting untouched for almost five months now. Five months. It's hard to believe she's been gone...dead...for five whole months. You'd think that there has been a lot of "healing" in that time. And while there has been, it's still like it happened just yesterday. My own body is a constant reminder of what she could have been, but isn't. Five months...that's almost half a year, but even this morning I was reliving seeing my husband holding his daughter for the first time, and knowing that we would never share anything with her. I remember his cries...my cries...the haunting look of agony on his face. The pain, the confusion...
Those are the only things I hold on to...my nine months being pregnant with her, my two day hospital stay, and her funeral. That's all I've got. And I am so scared that those few memories will fade if I "leave" her behind.
It's going to be ok though. God has given me strength beyond measure so far, and I know that He will continue to do so. It's just so hard sometimes.
When I begin thinking about these things... I feel as if I am drowning. Like I can't breathe. But then I just think about His Amazing love, and the fact that He gave Clif and me the most perfect child in the world. At least in our opinion. And then I'm ok...at least for a while.
Please continue to pray for us. I know that most times I seem "okay" to those that are around me, but I am still grieving...daily. It's hard...I love her, and I miss her more than most people will ever be able to understand. But this is my life...our life. And I believe that God wants us to continually tell her (Lillian's) story. He has used our little girl, and I believe that He's not done with her (or us) yet.

...We just live too long.

You know how you always hear people say that, "life is too short" ? Well... I went to another branch today (I work at a bank,if I haven't mentioned it before) to do some things. This particular branch is at one of our local retirement communities. As I was walking into the building, I walked by two elderly men who were deep in conversation.
The one said the other, "We just live too long". Seriously... I wanted to cry. It broke my heart. I mean, I'm sure those little old men are lonely. Probably lost their wives, and there they are...all alone, just waiting. =(
It got me to thinking about things. We are always complaining about not having enough time, about how life is too short. What would it feel like to be on the other end of things? Instead of waiting around for things to happen...instead of never being satisfied...to be ready. Ready to die. Ready to rest. Ready to go home.
Hmmm...

Arise my Love...

So, tomorrow we are reminded of one of the most amazing events in history, well...at least in my opinion. When thinking of Easter, and all that comes with it, I can't help but think of the lyrics to "Arise my Love" by Newsong. It gives me goose bumps every time I hear it.
What a wonderful reminder of God's endless love for us. He loves us SO much that He sent His Son to die on the cross for our sins. And praise God, three days later He rose again! He is ALIVE and well, and waiting for us in Heaven...
While at a meeting a while back, the speaker put it this way...not exact words, but you'll get the idea: **What if someone were to come into this room right now with a gun to my seven year old son's head, threatening his life.... I would drop to my knees...I would beg for his life, I would give them all the money I have, and I would offer my own life to spare his.**
That's what God did, except that He willingly gave His son. His ONLY son...to die for us. It's SO hard for my to wrap my mind around it. I can't imagine having to give up my only son/child to die for OTHER PEOPLE'S sins.
I hope that you all have a wonderful Easter tomorrow, well...actually today! =) And just remember, this isn't about the Easter bunny, Easter baskets...pictures, family....It's about Christ and what He gave us. God bless you all...and don't forget to share the news of His precious gift!!

April is here...am I a fool?

Ha! I don't think so. =) I have to share this with you guys, just because it was an awesome thing. So yesterday I was really beginning to get worried about my cycles. You see, the longer I go, the more cysts that form on my ovaries, which means more medication (and longer), and in the long run... it means longer until I can become pregnant again. So needless to say, I was really really worried.
I prayed all the way to work. No talking on the phone, no radio...no nothing. =) Just talked to God, out loud...driving down the road. I'm sure people that saw me thought I was off my rocker! But anyways...on the way to work, I decided that I was going to fast for 8 hours and just pray about my situation. I can't tell you how many prayers that were sent up yesterday. I begged and pleaded with God that if it was His will, that he might just make my body do what it needs to do.
I got depressed, and in a funk last night... I guess all the hormones and such. And I just wanted to go to sleep and not wake up. But I kept pressing on, and kept on praying...and trusting.
Clif worked late, and didn't get home until almost eleven o'clock...and when we finally got in bed, I asked him to pray with me about the situation some more. We praised God, and we asked of God.
I woke up this morning praying about it. I prayed while I got ready, and I prayed all the way to work. Not that I would get pregnant, but that my body would just do what it needs to do to get one step closer to having another baby.
I was still kinda in my funk...I didn't feel well, I just wanted to go home and go back to bed. =) And then...I STARTED! I know, I know...TMI...but I was just really amazed.
I had never fasted before...not like that anyways, and I just. I don't know. I am just overwhelmed by the love of my God.
So no, I am not a fool. =) Not in this aspect anyways.