Tuesday, November 30, 2010

I walk the line...

I'm actually quite familiar with this "line", as I see it about once or twice a month. I'd love a change of scenery...but once again I walk the much hated road of negatives.
Somewhere deep down inside, I feel that God will grant us our desires. That one day I'll walk out of the bathroom (just like I did almost two years ago) with a little white stick bearing a pink plus sign. But on the surface...when facing month after month of heartbreak, I can't help but be overwhelmed by a feeling. A feeling that tells me that I'll never experience that joy and excitement again.
I hate this roller coaster of emotions. I know it's not good for me. But what do you do? I don't want to become numb to it all...I know that's not good for me either. So where's the "happy" (
Funny thing is...I was *almost* positive that the test was going to be negative. But there is always that little bit of hope tucked away in the corner of my heart. The same corner that longs to be a mother to a living baby.
*sigh* I have a feeling that it's going to be a long day...

Monday, November 29, 2010

...the cycle continues.

Well...tomorrow is the day. Cycle day #35 - and time to test. I keep praying that if I'm not pregnant (which I am fairly certain I am not) that my period will start today or tomorrow. Just having my body do what it's supposed to do for once would be a glimpse of hope for me.
If it doesn't start today or tomorrow, and my test comes back negative - I will start round #7 of Provera. That's a little depressing. Seven rounds of medication, and still no baby. I am trying to remain positive... it's just SO hard when things are constantly thrown at me.
So that's my prayer today...that if I am NOT pregnant, my period will start within the next few days. That's what happened when I got pregnant with Lilly. I took two rounds of Provera, and before I could take the third, everything started on it's own. That's when I got pregnant. I was really praying that's what would happen this time.
If thought of, please say a prayer for us as we prepare to face medications again. And potential heart break. It's a vicious cycle, and I can only pray that one day in the near future that the cycle will be broken and that our prayers will be answered.

Much Love!

baby, it's cold outside!

Thanksgiving was hard...but not much different from any other day of our lives. It was rough seeing family members with their children, and knowing that everyone was remembering that we didn't have ours with us.
But I must say, it was so nice being surrounded by people who love and care about us on Thursday, and Friday...and Saturday for that matter.
All in all, our Thanksgiving weekend was good. A few bumps along that way (as always), but nice none the less.
Wednesday night was a blessing :) We attended a "Thanksgiving" dinner at church. Very nontraditional as we had Chili & Cornbread. But it was a nice switch up considering all the turkey that we consumed! We ate, had a time of sharing, and just spent time together with a very small group of tight knit church members. It was great. After church we headed home and JB (cousin) and I dove right into deviled egg making. We made eighty four deviled eggs. Is that not absolutely ridiculous?? :) It was fun though - we gave Clif such a hard time about staying out of the kitchen, because it was our "bonding time". I took a million pictures of the egg making process, I'll have to post them sometime!
Thursday morning started off with Clif and me making a mad dash to Food Lion to buy frozen broccoli. Apparently I didn't read the recipe thoroughly because I had planned on making a broccoli cheese casserole for both families get together's. :) Each batch needed TWO bags of broccoli. Oops. They turned out really well, so that was nice! The rest of Thursday consisted of going from my parents house to his aunt & uncle's house. We had a blast.
Then came looking at the sales papers :) I will admit up front that we are nuts. My mother in law and I saw that in Walmart sales started at midnight. And there were several things that we wanted to get. SO us being the smarties that we are (ha!) decided hey! Since we are going out at Midnight, we might as well just stay out all night. Ya see, there were 5am items that both of us wanted to get. I stood in line for 5 hours to get my laptop (from Clif...and I'm not allowed to have it until Christmas), and my mom, friend (practically sister in law), and mother stood in line for 5 hours for GPS. CRAZY, I know.
So needless to say we stayed out shopping for over 12 hours. We started at 10:45 and finished up around 1:30. I was home by two, but didn't want to go to sleep (for fear of not being able to sleep that night). Needless to say, I was up for 38 hours straight. By 8:30 I was delirious. :)
Saturday I got much needed sleep - sleeping in until ten. Then my niece called and said that they were near by, and wanted to come by and see me (haven't seen them since June). So they came over, and we all loaded up into their new truck and went to meet our parents for lunch. Mom took me home afterwards, and I took her inside the house to show her my Christmas decorations. My MIL called saying that they went to get her tree out of storage and it was gone! :) So I had one from last year (bought a new one this year), mom and I loaded it up and took it to her.
Saturday afternoon my friend (again, should be sister in law) came over to my house and hung out until Clif got off of work.Then he and I headed to the Christmas dinner for my work/branch.
Yesterday was spent at the mall :) Where I spent an additional *almost* hundred dollars. Craziness. Good thing though, I'm almost done with my shopping!
Whew. It was so nice to stay busy this weekend. :) So very thankful. So...how was your Thanksgiving??
 Aside from all that...it is FREEZING outside. Brrr!! And since it's SO cold... I just HAD to buy myself a new coat yesterday! :)

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

The Lord has done great things for us...

I'm sure a lot of people think that I'm not thankful for anything. Everything that I've been through, how can I be thankful for anything. Right?


So...in honor of the upcoming holiday, here is a little list of things that I am thankful for.

  • I am thankful for my salvation - and my personal relationship with my Savior. If it wasn't for that, I honestly don't think that I would be sitting here typing today.
  • I am thankful for my parents who raised me to do right. For the love that they showed me over the years, and continue to do on a daily basis.
  • I am thankful for my brothers, and their families that came along a few years later. Though we may not see one another often, I am still thankful that the Lord gave me family.
  • I am thankful for my husband of 3 wonderful years. It's been bumpy at times, but I wouldn't be me without him.
  • I am thankful for the *almost* ten months that God allowed me to spend with my baby girl. My little Joy. I am thankful for her as well, and for the way she has changed my life...and the lives of many others.
  • I am thankful for my family members. Immediate,distant, and the ones that I gained when marrying Clif. :) I love them all so much!
  • I am thankful for the job that God allowed me to find. And for the people that I work with.
  • I am thankful for my health, and my husbands.
  • I am thankful for my friends. The old ones and the new ones too! You all have been such a blessing!
  • I am thankful that I stumbled upon the blogger & BLM community. All of you have been a tremendous help & comfort to my heart during this last year. :) Even though I have never met you all, I love each and every one of you!
  • I am thankful for my church family...who has supported me all my life. :) I will forever be grateful to each and every one of you.
  • If you are reading this, in some way or another you have touched my life...and I am thankful for YOU.

I hope and pray that each and everyone of you has a blessed Thanksgiving holiday with all those that you love and care for most. :) Eat lots of turkey! And to those of you who are venturing out on Friday (aka-nuts like me!) good luck!!! God bless you all.


Tuesday, November 23, 2010

pins and needles??

So there is something "new" that I am toying with. Not sure if I'll go through with it. But I have the information at my fingertips (thanks for thinking about me Jamie!).


Has anyone tried it before?? I am really interested in it. For fertility reasons, that is. :) I've had a couple of different people tell me about acupuncture for PCOS...well, mainly for ovulation therapy.

So....what do you guys think??? I need major input from my readers. If I do decide to check into it - it'll probably be sometime after Christmas. There is just way too much stuff going on with holidays approaching, work, home life...ect.

As a side note...we received a bill from the hospital (for my surgery). **Drum roll please** The total cost of my surgery was almost $18,000 - before insurance of course. As far as we can tell (we have received two documents, that agree with one another)...our part is only $250!!! How awesome is that?? Now knowing my luck, we'll get a zillion other bills later on. But for now, I'm really excited! Praise the Lord!

Thanksgiving is approaching quickly, and so is BLACK FRIDAY! :) Yes. I am one of those nuts that drags myself out of bed at like 3:00 in the morning to go shopping. I have been every year for as long as I can remember. This year I am on a mission to buy a new laptop, my Christmas present from Clif. I'm really excited about it, mainly because my current laptop is almost five years old - and on it's last leg. Actually, I've been waiting for it to just die.

Our week has been busy already. Yesterday was a crazy busy day at work, I actually ended up having to go in like thirty minutes early. I got off around 4:30, headed to get my eye brow's waxed...went to the grocery store, hurried home to cook dinner. Then today I'm getting my hair cut at 5:15, running home to fix dinner for Clif (gets off of work at 6:30). Then after dinner we are putting our new tree together and decorating it. :)
Tomorrow I work all day, he is off. Then I rush home to cook chilli & cornbread for a church gathering. After church we are headed home for me to make food for Thursday (both families) which includes my new tradition of making deviled eggs (a secret recipe, or actually a make-up-as-we-go recipe) with Clif's cousin, Jay. Last year we "bonded" over our deviled egg adventure...and Clif gives us a hard time about it. Poor thing, we wouldn't let him in the kitchen while we worked.

Whew...I have a busy next few days ahead of me, but at least it will keep my mind busy during the holidays. If I don't post again before Thursday, I hope each and every one of you have a WONDERFUL Turkey Day!

Monday, November 22, 2010

I even surprise myself sometimes!

I feel very... proud? I don't really know how to explain it, other than I am proud of myself.

Today I overcame something HUGE. If you had asked me yesterday how I would have handled the situation, I would have told you that I had no clue. Heck, if you had asked me this morning how I'd react, I would have had NO clue. :) In fact, walking into the situation I didn't know how it would be.

But I am proud to say, I managed....actually I think it went really good. :) I saw the others watching how I'd react...wondering if I would be able hold it together. And I did.

What the heck am I talking about???

Today...for the first time since Lilly died (actually before that)... I held a newborn baby...and enjoyed it. :)

Thanks "A" for not being afraid to ask if I wanted to hold him. ;) I'm glad I did.

Ah, short and sweet but to the point. Just wanted to share that with you all. Thanks to everyone who has continued to email,facebook, blog comment...text for all our kind words and prayers.

God Bless!!

Thursday, November 18, 2010


One year ago today we made our way to the cemetery office to choose Lilly's headstone. Of course, none of their designs came close to being good enough for her. So we designed this one, especially for her. :) Her room was/is decorated with butterflies...and of course, the lilies because of her name.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010


Along with 11/13 (and just about every other day), 11/17 holds a lot of memories for me. Memories...and pain.
One year ago today, we saw the precious face of our baby girl for the last time. We kissed her and talked to her through tears. One year ago today, we left the tiny body of Lillian Joy here...

I remember the morning of 11/17/09 like it was yesterday. I remember the alarm clock sounding. No parent should ever have to set an alarm to wake them so they aren't late for their own child's funeral.
When I got out of bed that morning I felt an overwhelming sense of peace. Though I ached (and still do), I had a feeling... a feeling that there was a bigger picture... that everything was going to be "okay".
I remember getting ready that morning. My body still recovering from a c-section, just four short days before, Clif had to bathe me. He had to shave my legs for me, wash my hair, dry my hair...and help me get dressed. To this day, I still haven't been able to bring myself to wear the dress I wore to her funeral.
I remember stopping at little mom & pop store near our house, for something to drink. The owner who we have known for years (because of stopping by his store all the time) didn't know... I remember the sympathetic look in his eyes when Clif had to tell him why we were "all dressed up".
We were quiet on the drive there...not many words passed between us. We just held hands...trying with everything within us to hold one another together.
I remember pulling up to the funeral home...all my family there waiting for me. Most had never even seen Lilly until that morning (aside from a few pictures from the hospital). I remember an older man that used to go to our church, he was there...he was there for us. I don't think I'll ever forget that. He just stood in the background, and made sure that we knew he was there for us if we needed him.
I remember walking into the chapel that morning, all of our family with us. I can still feel the air being sucked from my wind pipes when we walked in and saw her tiny casket filled with her tiny body. I remember the sob that escaped my lips involuntarily. I can still feel the overwhelming sense of being helpless, hopeless.
Aside from her breath-taking beauty - there is one thing that I remember most. That's the people. I can't even begin to express how my heart felt when Clif and I saw all the people pouring in (both) doors of the chapel. People we hadn't seen in years...friends that we saw all the time...and complete strangers.
I remember Jeff, the funeral director, telling us that it was time for the family to meet. I knew that they would close the casket, and that killed me. I didn't want to leave her side. I remember seeing "P" come through the back doors, and telling them that I had to see just one more person. I remember hugging him...and crying. I remember the prayers during the time with family.
I remember walking out into the chapel after everyone had been seated. I can still feel all eyes on us. I remember being taken back by the number of people in that room. Pews filled, and people standing in the back. There were people there that we didn't even get a chance to speak to. I felt so loved at that moment...and so proud to be the mommy of Lillian Joy.
I remember the silence when people heard the words of "Glory Baby" before any words were spoken. I remember seeing and hearing my dad struggle through the words that he said. I remember Foster singing...and the whole congregation joining him in singing, "Jesus Loves Me". I remember Pastor Greg speaking and sharing the gospel.
I remember after the service, after everyone (but the family) were gone - they opened the casket again for us all to say goodbye. We asked our family members to leave us - so we could say bye to our baby girl. I remember tears falling from my own face onto hers. I remember kissing her cold chubby cheeks...and telling her that I love her. I remember witnessing Clif do similar things. I remember feeling completely broken.
These feelings and memories, though painful beyond measure, are feelings and memories that I never want to forget. Not for one minute.
I remember the quiet ride to the cemetery. I remember feeling respected as the SPD Policemen stopped traffic at intersections and saluted as we drove by.
I remember pulling up to the grave side and thinking, "I don't know if I can do this". I remember Gina (funeral director, and the precious lady who prepared Lilly's body) handing me the Lilies that my parents had gotten...complete with a ribbon reading "Lilly Bean". And I remember Clif being handed her casket. I remember walking along side him, carrying our baby girl, to her final resting place.
I remember seeing the Vaughan's standing at the graveside. I remember them coming to us, loving us.
I don't remember much of the graveside service. I just remember sitting there, in the cool air, begging to wake up from the nightmare I had been living the last four days.
I remember meeting two men after the graveside service. Foutz & Reid (last names...that's how I was introduced to them). Both of these men hold a very special place in my heart - and I don't know if they will ever know it. You see, Clif had just started a new job in mid September. These men barely knew my husband...but they came to support him. They cared. They shed tears of their own, and even extended their love to me....not ever having met me before.
November 17th,2009 was one of the longest days of my life. It was physically and emotionally exhausting. I remember feeling the remaining physical pain that night, from being on my feet so much during the day. I remember the burning...
Most of all I remember my baby girl. And I thank God for those memories.

Tonight, one year later... I'm home alone. I'm not really sure how I feel about it... but I *think* I'm okay with it. It's hard... but this day, like many others, has just made me stronger.

Rest in peace sweet Lilly Bean. Mommy loves you, all my heart. Can't wait to see you one day soon.


Tuesday, November 16, 2010

goodbye vacation, hello reality.

This past week was nice. Much needed for both me and Clif, I think. I really don't know how well I would have coped with being in Virginia for Lilly's first (heavenly) birthday.
Saturday was a rough day. I struggled all day to keep my mood up beat, for fear of completely losing it. :) And I did good - I'm proud of myself.
And then on the other hand, I feel horribly guilty for NOT laying around and crying my eyes out all day long. I mean, shouldn't I have been?
Clif and I had a long talk over dinner about it all Sunday night. And though I've had other people tell me the same things that he did that night, it really stuck when he said it.
No one can tell me how I should or should not grieve. He kept telling me this over and over again. He said that I should deal with the "situation" however I felt I should. And that no one should judge me because of it. That until someone has walked in our shoes for a day, that no one could tell us how to miss our daughter.
Something that I brought to the table was... I know that Saturday was her birthday. And yes, I was incredibly sad...heartbroken even. But what people *most* people don't realize is that, the feeling that we (and others) were feeling this past Saturday is a feeling that we have to endure on a daily basis. Though it was the anniversary of the worst (yet sweetest) days of our lives, the feelings really weren't that much different from any other day.
Our hearts ache for our loss every single day. And they have for the last year. Her birthday was a tough one of those days, so was her due date for that matter. I know that Thanksgiving will be hard, and so will Christmas... I know that the next twenty years...forty years...every year that passes until we die, will be hard.
We also talked about seeing our friends getting pregnant, having live healthy babies...and so on. In a way, I think it's gotten easier on us. But then in other ways, it's gotten harder on me.
I never want anyone to feel guilty, or walk on eggshells around me because they become pregnant...or when their baby is born perfectly healthy.
I think the hardest thing for me right now is seeing a pregnant woman. Not just because I was once pregnant, and really enjoyed it.... but because I am now faced with infertility. That's a hard pill to swallow, and I continuously (daily) have to give that one over to the Lord. It's like I have an open wound, and there is always something pouring salt into it.
The hardest thing on Clif is to see newborns. Which, I completely can understand. It's hard seeing people walking around with something that you long for. Something that you HAD but slipped away before you could enjoy it.

On a less depressing note... I want to say thank you to all who sent cards,emails, facebook comments & notes...to those of you who donated money in Lilly's memory. Each and every one of you hold a very special place in our hearts, and we will forever be grateful for your love & generosity.
We were completely overwhelmed by the love showered on us this past week. :) I even received a few emails from complete strangers...and they were such a blessing to me.
Will write more later, but for now...it's off to do laundry and unpacking! God bless!
PS...if you think of it, please say a prayer for my dear friend, Aleisha. :) She is right at 12 weeks pregnant (I think), and has felt "icky" pretty much all 12 weeks. She has a one year old, and baby sits another young baby. Just pray for health, strength, and that she will stay in her right mind - I know I wouldn't!!! :) Also, pray for the health of this new little life!

Saturday, November 13, 2010


I don't know what it is about this picture, but it's like it says everything that my heart is feeling today. It's going to be a tough day. It will also be another day without her.

It's been a long...hard year for us. We've had many ups and downs, and we've never stopped thinking about and missing our precious little Lilly.

I'm flooded with a million different emotions as I type these words...and yet, for some reason they leave my brain as soon as my fingers touch the keys.

Lillian Joy Smith...though she was only here for 9 short months...will always be my world. She will always have my heart.

Today will be spent remembering her. And if you're reading this... I have a request for you. Remember her with us. As uncomfortable as it may make you...to remember a dead baby... remember her. And honor her by telling someone her story. Tell what an amazing little girl she still is. Tell of the lives that she has touched, and the ones that she continues to touch. And more importantly, tell of the reason that Lilly's Mommy and Daddy were able to make it through that day...and the 365 that followed. Tell of the Comforter. Tell of His love...tell of His death, and the reasoning behind it.

My one wish is that people would come to Him... because of her life. I know that she has already touched the lives of many, and I know that as long as her story is still being told...others will continue to be touched.

Happy Birthday my sweet Lilly Bean...I love you!

Happy Heavenly Birthday, Dear Lilly...

Today Clif and I are celebrating differently than we ever thought possible.

Today we celebrate the life and birth of our beautiful baby girl, Lillian Joy Smith. Lilly was unexpectedly born still on November 13,2009... a little after 10am. She was 5 pounds 9.5 ounces, and was 19 inches long. She had her Mommy's fingers and nose, and Daddy's big feet. She was the definition of beautiful. She was loved.

We never received a fatal diagnosis...we were never told anything was wrong with our little one. She, to our knowledge, died a very healthy (and beautiful...if I do say so myself!) little girl.

It's hard to celebrate something so painful... but how can we not celebrate such a special little girl??

Happy Birthday, Lilly Bean! I'm so glad that you get to spend today (and every day) with the One who made you. We love you...we will never forget you.

You are loved.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

on the road again...

Well...we are on the road. :) Off to the beach. We accidentally slept late (late being 6:30) and stopped and got breakfast at Mickey D's...so now, at 8:20, we are finally on I-81.

Last night (our visit to the cemetery) was tough. Just like I thought it would be. It's always so sad and depressing going there...not only to visit & honor our own daughter, but to see all the other children buried there. Lilly is buried in what they call "The Garden Of Innocence"...it's where the babies/young children are. Her little neighbor is a little boy that passed away in February 2010. Last night when we went, there was a "fresh" grave, couldn't have been more than a few days old. No matter how many times I go and how many new graves I see...it still breaks my heart every time.

I think that going there last night was harder on Clif than it was me. I go there pretty often, but because of his weird work schedule (and just not "liking" than kind of thing) he doesn't get to visit very often. It broke my heart seeing him hurt like he was...to see the tears streaming down his cheeks and know that there is nothing that I can do to take it away. There is nothing I can do to make it better.

There have been so many sweet people that have reached out to us the last few days. I've received phone calls, emails, facebook messages & comments... we've gotten numerous cards...from people we know & love... and strangers that we don't know...and love :) You all have been amazing in supporting us.

I thought everyone would forget...that these days would go unnoticed. But they haven't - and for that, I am so grateful.

Sunday morning when we got to church, there was a huge bouquet of white & pink lilies, and pink roses. It was beautiful. My parents had bought them in honor of Lilly...and she was mentioned in the service as well. They did this last Sunday because they knew we wouldn't be in town for church this coming up Sunday.

On Monday night Clif called me on his way out to work, and said that I had a card in the mail, and also a package from Sufficient Grace Ministries. :) The card was from a fellow BLM, and the package was the suncatcher that I won on SGM blog. The card from "J" was so sweet - and she included a little handmade gift. The suncatcher is beautiful :) It's small - so I have it hanging from the rear view mirror in my car. It has blue, clear, and pink bead like thingies...and then little silver and diamond looking things, and an awareness ribbon at the bottom.

Yesterday, my brother in law & his girlfriend (one of my bestest friends... might as well be my SIL), brought me lilies and a card. Well, it was really for me and Clif... but I'm the more sentimental of the two :) And then when we went to the cemetery, there were matching flowers there for her.  Her Uncle & Aunt had left them for her.

Last night when we got home, there were three cards in the mail. One from my grandmother, one from our aunt & uncle...and one from very special friends B & R from our church.

I am overwhelmed at how many people are remembering our sweet little girl. :) You all are amazing...and I love you for it.

I'll be checking in every now and again while we're gone... posting when I can. Thank you all in advance for all the prayers sent up for Clif & me. We love you all!!

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

emotional mix up.

So tomorrow morning we leave for the beach. I'm excited... and I'm dreading it at the same time. I really think that it's going to be a good thing...getting away, just the two of us - spending time one on one...during a time that we just need each other.
I am so very thankful that it worked out where we could both have a week off, at the same time, and just be able to escape reality for a while.
This afternoon is going to be a tough one. I'm leaving work early, and Clif and I are going to head to the cemetery. I want to go...I know that I need to go...but I also know that it's going to be emotional. Knowing that I won't be anywhere near here for her birthday. I feel like I'm dishonoring her in a way. But...
No matter where I find myself on November 13th...this year, and in the years to come...I know that I will never be able to escape the memories... and the pain.
I bought some fall-ish flowers, but no flower, real or silk, could ever do her justice. I'm so...lost for words. :) You all will be hearing from me at random over the next few days. If you think of us, say a prayer (or two), we'll be needing them.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

D Day...one year later.

One year ago today Clif and I were anticipating the arrival of our beautiful baby girl. I took this picture that morning...after spending a while in her room. This was my last belly shot...at forty weeks, exactly.

I remember the excitement of those last few days...my last few days with her.

Today I remember my beautiful daughter, Lillian Joy...gone to soon. I love you baby girl.

Monday, November 8, 2010

post op :)

Today was my post op appointment with Dr S, and my new broadband card came just in time to blog about it :)
First I have to say thank you to everyone that said a prayer for me (us) during my surgery and recovery period.
I feel really good...I'd say I'm about 98% back to normal. Other than a little tenderness around my belly button - I feel great.
On to how my appointment went with Dr S today. I'd say it went well. First of all, I have to tell you all this. Since about 25 weeks pregnant with Lilly, every time I've been to the doctor - my blood pressure has been high. Clif says it's "white coat syndrome", but sometimes I wonder.
For example, last Monday at my post op appointment, my blood pressure was 138/93 (it was actually higher than that the first time they took it). It was equally high the morning of surgery.
This morning I was really nervous about my appointment. Nervous about what Dr S might have to say, and nervous about the potential cost of the shots that he had suggested. I just *knew* my bp would be high when we arrived. It was 126/88. How awesome is that?? I mean...for the first time in over a year, it was normal! :)
First, I met with my nurse - and then Dr S came in to examine my incisions. He said that everything looks really well, and that I can resume normal activities ;) Including baby making.
We then met with him and a resident that assisted with my surgery to discuss our options. Dr S told us that he had two suggestions. One being trying Clomid again, and two being the shots that we had discussed a few months back. I told him that we would like to try Clomid one more month before going with the shots. That will at least give us some time to start saving for the shots, if need be.
Clif and I both have really good feelings about this surgery. Of course, we don't want to get our hopes up... but it's hard not to at least be hopeful. Please join us in praying that the surgery will be a success and that we will be able to conceive without having to go the shot route.
I am really praying that due to the surgery, that AF will start without the provera. That's what happened the month before I got pregnant with Lilly. We (Clif & me) want a baby more than anything in this world... and we are anxiously awaiting what God has in store for us.
Thank you in advance for everyone who says a prayer for us, and the future of our family.
ps - it's good to be back! :)

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

a friend.

If you are reading this, please say a prayer for a very special friend (and former boss) of mine, A. She is currently in the hospital 4-5 cm dilated, and waiting for the Dr G to come and break her water later :) Pray for a safe delivery and that Mommy and Baby Boy will be well.


hubby's are so cute.

So we got to the hospital yesterday, I checked in...and Clif and I found a seat in the PACKED waiting room. We waited for them to call my name, and I had to go back to the "room" by myself.

Dr S told me on Monday that when I came out of surgery, that he would call and tell Clif how everything went.

I had asked my mom that if she happened to be around when Dr S came to talk to Clif, for her to listen in. :) Dr S said the husbands normally get everything mixed up. ha!

Clif was slightly offended when I told him that I was afraid that he wouldn't remember what the doctor said. :) So I asked him if he even knew what what kind of surgery I was having. Of course he said, you're having an ovarian drilling. I then asked him to explain to my parents what the surgery was supposed to do. He proceeded to tell them that they were going to drill holes in my ovaries so that my eggs would be able to "pop" out. REALLY? I couldn't help but laugh. How cute.

Well... I now know that everyone wasn't lying when they said that this type of surgery was one of the most painful things they've been through. All the floating gas/air in there is killing me. :( Mostly my shoulders and under my ribs on the right side.

I was hoping that the medicine would knock me out, but it actually makes me stay awake.

Clif had to work this morning, and had to get up at five. I thought that I'd be able to get out of bed on my own...but once I started shifting, I had Clif get me out of bed before he left. I couldn't even sit up. My stomach is finally sore... and a little bruised.

So now I'm all bundled up in Clif's recliner...stuck her for the day. I did manage to get up and get my laptop...and I guess I'll venture into the kitchen this afternoon and fix some lunch so that I can take another pain killer. Fun stuff.

My post op appointment is scheduled for Monday at nine o'clock. :) Looking forward to what the doctor has to say. I'm also looking forward to getting back to work next week, for Tuesday & Wednesday...and then off to the beach on Thursday morning! :) Thanks (again) to all who were and are continuing to pray...

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

:) thought you'd get rid of me?

Okay so maybe I am back sooner than I thought. As I type, my shoulders and neck are killing me...but really, those are my only complaints (at the moment). Check in again tomorrow...it may be a different story.

When we got to the hospital, I was really nervous. I can't even tell you how nervous. A lot of it had to do with Clif not being able to be with me the whole time. They took me back to prep me, and Clif had to stay in the waiting room. Once they took all my vitals, did a pregnancy test, and got my IV in... they called for Clif.

Speaking of pregnancy tests...a nurse came in and said, that since I hadn't had a hysterectomy and I was of the child bearing age that they had to do a urine pregnancy test. You want to know what they said the child bearing age is?? 9-95 years of age. Nine years old? Are you serious? That turned my stomach a little.

I was able to have Clif, my parents & my mother in law in the room with me until I went back for surgery.

Now, let me tell you a little bit about my nurse (before I went into surgery). I seriously feel like I was just another number to her. She stopped several times during prepping me to open another patients chart (in my presence) before she "forgot" things. Really??

She asked if Clif was my husband and if he would be there the whole time... I told her yes. Right after that, she asked if I had children. What do you say? I said no...simply because I didn't want to get into that conversation to a "cold" stand offish nurse. Later, while reviewing my medical history - she saw that I had a c-section. She asked again, and I had to explain that my daughter was stillborn *almost* a year ago. She apologized and went on to prep me. Later, she was putting stockings on me (really tight sock-like things to prevent blood clots) and she saw my tattoo. She went on to say that it was one of the prettiest tattoos she'd ever seen. :) Then she saw the "LJS" at the bottom, and asked what it stood for. I told her it was our daughters initials. She then asked all those "touchy" questions...were you full term, what was her name, what happened??
*sigh* I thought I'd be able to get by without having to put all of that out there on the table. But it wasn't too bad. I'm proud of my little girl.

I met with the anesthesiologist, saw Dr S, and then headed back for surgery. They wheeled me in the operating room, and surprisingly enough - I remained pretty calm. They had me move to the operating table, and then introduced me to the O.R nurse, Lily. At first, I was like...really?? But then after the initial thought, it was kind of cool. The anesthesiologist told me that he had already started me on some feel goods in my IV, and that's the last thing I remember.

I was out of the hospital by three...and home by four. :) Clif went by Wendy's on the way home to get me a baked potato...and now I'm home wrapped up in his recliner. He has been super good to me...he's a good nurse.

Anyways... about the surgery. I won't get to talk to Dr S until Monday at my appointment, but Clif said that Dr S called and talked to him. He said that the surgery went "really well" and that my tubes looked great.

Oh, did I mention that when I got to the OR that Lily was holding a big vile of dye? Yeah they pumped me full of dye to check my tubes....and... I'm peeing blue. HA!

I'm feeling pretty good right now...other than the shoulder thing, which has gotten a lot better (because of the pain killers). They've got me on Demerol, so I haven't even started to feel pain in my belly.

Dr S says that I'm probably going to have a lot of bruising on my belly...apparently he has to grab it pretty hard during surgery. No bruises on the belly, but a few around the incision...he said that the other bruises will probably show up in a few days.

Oh, and I think I have super glue in my belly button. Weird.

Thank you all so much for all the thoughts and prayer. :) Clif and I both have a really good feeling about this surgery. I can't wait to see what the Lord has in store for us. And I can't even begin to tell you how thankful I am to Him for getting me through this. My blood pressure was even normal before surgery!!! Praise the Lord!

M.I.A? brb :)

Well, here we are...the morning of surgery. And I'm freaking out just a tiny bit. :) Of course.

I'm getting ready to hop in the shower and wash with some nasty soap they told me to use...and then we are headed for check in. I have to be there at ten thirty, and surgery is twelve o'clock.

Depending on my state of mind, I may be M.I.A for a few days. Dr S gave me some pretty hefty pain meds for after surgery...and I imagine I'll be in LaLa Land for a while.

If you think of it, please say a prayer for me today. Pray that the surgery will go smoothly, and that if it be His will - that this may cause my body to start doing things naturally and that I won't need those expensive shots!! :) Also, pray for Clif...I'm sure I'll be a pain in the butt for the next few days.

Take care, everyone! I'll brb...

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