Sunday, October 31, 2010

I will remember...

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you...

Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but i'm not
Truth is i'm barely hanging on

But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this...

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here

Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years

I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One who's chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time...Such a long road...All this madness...

But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice

And He says...
I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you...While your heart beats here 

Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you

All your life
And I will praise the One who's chosen Me to carry you ...

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Day 30: a dream for the future.

I do have dreams of the future, and anyone who knows me...or reads this blog already know what those dreams are. I even shared a few before.

My dreams for the future include many as God will bless us with. I dream of a house full of children to love, but I'll settle for one (living).

My dreams include telling Lilly's story. Starting from when we first found out that she would be coming into this world, then the day we found out she was a girl...and then the day that we saw her in person. The day that she went home to be with her Jesus.

I dream of her story touching lives...lots of them! I can only pray that while the story of Lillian Joy Smith touch the hearts of others, that their hearts may also be touched by the love of God. The people may come to know Him because of my little girl.

I have many dreams for my future, for our future...and I'm just waiting for them to come true.

Friday, October 29, 2010

a little patience.

"Shed a tear 'cause I'm missing you
I'm still alright to smile
Girl, I think about you every day now
Was a time when I wasn't sure
But you set my mind at ease
There is no doubt you're in my heart now
Said woman take it slow
It'll work itself out fine
All we need is just a little patience..."

Ok yes, I admit... I am a Guns n Roses fan. I was thinking about patience today...and how I need a lot of it. A whole lot.
Right now, at least here lately... I'm been really impatient. Most times I think of Lilly, and of the next baby (if there ever is one), I can't help but think, "I want another baby...and I want him/her NOW!" I find myself thinking it's just not fair...everyone around me is getting pregnant... everyone is happy....healthy even.
And here I am, fighting infertility...fighting PCOS, & fighting to make it through (emotionally) each day.
I try to stay positive. I don't want to appear 'down in the dumps'. I know I need want to be happy. I want to smile, I want to go an hour without thinking about how everything seems like it's against me. Every step of the way I feel like something new jumps in front of me.
But today I'm choosing to be patient, or at least trying my very hardest to be. I am choosing, or at least trying to trust that God has a huge plan in the works for mine & Clif's life. I am choosing to believe that everything happens for a reason, and that Lilly was born and Lilly died...for a reason. And though I may not know that reason, though I may never know the reason, I believe with my whole heart that God loves me...and that He would never do anything to harm me.
These are all hard things to say...hard things to believe...and hard things to accept. But I do. Most of the time. :)
I miss her so much...and with every breath I take, I wish that I could have taken her place.

Day 29: hopes,dreams & plans for the next 365 days.

My hopes (and Clif's) for the next 365 days:
We hope that in the next 365 days, that God will have blessed us with another little one. Whether it be biological, or adopted.
We hope that we (with the help of Lilly's story) may be able to touch the lives of others. That we may bring comfort to hurting parents such as ourselves.
We hope that we continue to grow closer to one another, in the Lord, and that we grow closer to Him too!

My dreams (and Clif's) for the next 365 days:
Our dream for the next 365 days is to be parents of not only an angel in Heaven, but to parent a child here on earth as well. I (we) know that God is capable of anything and everything...and we look forward to witnessing our dreams coming true.

My plans (and Clif's) for the next 365 days:
Our plans for the next 365 days involve a lot. In the next 365 days, we plan to be out of our house and in an apartment - if that's the Lord's will for our future. We plan to save enough money for a down payment on a new house. We plan to pay off all debt that we owe, minus our cars. :) We plan to expand our family. We plan on strengthening our walks. We plan on loving one another...more than ever.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

short...but VERY sweet.

Just wanted to say thanks to everyone who has been praying for me, and concerning my upcoming surgery. :) Especially with the day drawing closer, and me getting more nervous. I mentioned in an earlier post that I was concerned that my insurance may not pay for my pre & post op appointments with Dr S.

My awesome hubby called and talked to my nurse yesterday, and found out not only will those appointments be covered with the surgery, I won't even have to pay my co pay for those visits! How awesome is that??

Thank you Lord, for answering my prayers...and for always taking care of me. Even when I'm a little bit

Day 28 - what's in your purse.

A bunch of junk, to put it nicely.

Please continue to pray for me :( My worry wart tendencies are really shining through.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Day 27 - the worst habit since your child's death.

Hm. I'm sure there are a lot of them. I think one of my worst "habits" since Lilly died, if that's what you want to call it, is staying up late. I was a night owl before - but always made sure I was in bed before 10 on week nights.

I'd stay up all night if I could physically handle it. I hate going to sleep - I'm always afraid that I am going to dream of November 13th, or Lilly...

Another thing that has gotten really bad since Lilly was born is my worrying. I worry about EVERYTHING. And I really do mean everything. Like I said the other day, right now... I'm worried. Worried about being knocked out for surgery, about the surgery itself...that AF (oh yes that came to visit today) will be GONE on Tuesday so that Dr S can check my tubes after the surgery. About the cost of it all, about insurance covering my visit with Dr S on Monday, and the following Monday. About the house...and it not getting sold. About money in general. About everything. I hate worrying, but sometimes...I just can't help it.

Day 26 - your week in great detail.

Hmmm. I think that I'll just make this post about the Walk to Remember that we participated in on this past Saturday.

First of all, I want to say a big thank you too all of my family & friends that came out to walk with us. You all will never know how much it meant to Clif and me to have you there with us. You guys ROCK!

Clif and I had to drive separately, because he had try outs for a new position at his work (last minute). I had a friend "K" ride with me, and then we met my parents, niece, nephew, Clif's mom, step dad, cousin, other cousin, aunt, an old friend "C" from church and her friend, and my friend "A" and goddaughter "T". Whew. :) Hope I didn't forget anyone.

We were actually the first ones there... I was surprised. Unfortunately, miscarriage, stillbirth & infant loss isn't as "popular" as other causes. There were only 35-40 registered to walk. But it was a blessing none the less.

There was a car that pulled up, and out came two ladies that I already knew. The first, "S", that I met with for my interview at the perinatal council downtown. She was actually heading up the walk with a nurse, "H" from the hospital that Lilly was born in. "H" was not one of my nurses during my stay, but she heard our story and came to meet us.

I remember her coming to my room that Friday morning and telling me how very sorry she was to hear about our loss. She hugged me, a complete stranger. She cried with me. She came back to check on me numerous times during our stay there.

Once they moved me from the labor & delivery floor, she even came to my room to check on me again. I had a bad reaction to either the spinal block or the tape that they used and I had a line of blisters that went across my back. She flipped out when she saw them - even though I had complained to my nurses before. She called Dr G and told him that he needed to do something about it.

Needless to say, this woman had a huge impact on my stay there. What an amazing, sweet lady. :) It was so good to see her again. I didn't think that she'd remember me...but at one point in the walk, she came and smiled (almost crying) and hugged me...for a long time. She told me that she was so glad to see me doing so well. :) And then hugged Clif as well. I was so surprised, with me not even being her patient, that she remembered me.

The walk started off with "S" & "H" telling a little bit about S.H.A.R.E. Then they had a chaplain come and tell her story, and have prayer with us. Her story was heartbreaking. She herself did not suffer a loss, but it was her mother, 40 years ago. She told of how her little brother was born still at full term, and how heartbreaking it was for her family. She was only 7.

After the prayer they opened up the floor, so to speak, for anyone in the group to talk about their loss. I couldn't speak...tears just streamed down my face as different men & women told their story. There was a young couple whose son was stillborn earlier this year, a couple whose daughter passed away at three months, one that passed away at eight months...and then they had suffered a miscarriage a month ago. I wanted to tell Lilly's story...but just...couldn't.

I heard my mom speak up (through tears of her own) behind me. She said that she was there, walking in honor of the baby she lost 30 years ago, and her granddaughter that passed away almost a year ago. Then my dad spoke of Lilly too...and of their baby.

We walked (only a mile) and then went to the Perinatal Council to "fellowship" < if that's what you want to call it.

There I was able to talk with other mothers who have suffered loss...well, really I just mostly listened. An RN from the hospital asked me about the shirt I was wearing.

I had made shirts for everyone to wear during the walk, but afterwards, I changed into the shirt that I ordered from Faces Of Loss. That's the shirt that the RN asked me about. I told her about the website that Kristin Cook launched, and how it had touched so many lives. That it started out as a blog where mothers could share their stories of loss, but quickly became a non profit. I also told them how there is now a place for stories of hope. Also, that there is a discussion board, ect. :) They were very excited to hear about the site (and one of the other mothers had heard about it somewhere on the news?) and said that they will add it to the list of their support resources.

The rest of the day went pretty well. Most of us went to McDonald's afterwards (I know, real healthy) to get a quick lunch. We all walked in with our shirts on (me with my 'Faces' shirt) and when I walked up to order our food, some chick said "did some boy die?" REALLY? I was very impressed with myself, because I did not lash out at her ignorance. I wanted to be like, NUMBER ONE, I have never heard of a BOY being named "Lillian". SECOND, it was a little girl that DIED. MY little girl. But all I said was, no, it was actually my daughter that passed away. She was like, "Oh...sorry" and walked off. It took all the strength that I could muster NOT to scream, or cry, or something. And not because it made me sad to talk about Lilly, but because people are so...oblivious, cold...and mean.

Anyways...this is a day late, and doesn't really go into detail about my week...but I wanted to share. :)

Monday, October 25, 2010

Day 25 - your day in great detail.

Day 25 is your day in great detail. has been kind of a slow moving day.

I woke up early and got ready for work. I was terrified to leave the house, because Clif got chased my a skunk in our driveway the other morning. It was just a few feet away from my car!!! But I sucked it up and got out there. No skunk....thank You, Jesus! :) It would stink (ha!) if I got sprayed by a skunk and had to call into work.

Work was it's normal self - except that I had to get all my monthly reports together early. I normally don't start working on them until the last day of the month, or the first day of the next. But since I'm going to be out of work so much...I had to get a head start for my new boss. :)

I work this coming up Saturday, and then I don't come back to the 9th (as long as the doctor releases me!). Then we are closed on the 11th, and I am on vacation until the 17th. Fun stuff. I'm sure everything will be piled up for me when I get back :)

It stinks though. I come back to work on the 9th... Lilly's due date. Then I come back on the 17th, the day of her funeral. What was I thinking?? Geez.

After work comes dinner with gals from work. My former supervisor "A" is having a baby! She is due on the 4th, but I look for her to go any day now. Anyways... a bunch of us from work wanted to get together with her tonight for dinner :) Carrabba's. Yum!

Then it's home to the hubby. Probably some TV then sleep.

I will say that I've been freaking out a little the last few days. As my surgery date quickly approaches, I am getting nervous. Really nervous.

There are two things that I'm freaked about.

First, even with my c-section, I was never "put under". The whole idea of it really scares me. :( I keep hearing stories...maybe it's best that I don't ask people. I don't know. Anyways, my mom says that it's not bad... except for when you are asleep, and you know you need to wake up. People calling for you, and not being able to open your eyes.

I asked someone that had a similar procedure done if they put her under...she said they did. And they probably will put me under, or possibly do a "Twilight". I told her the only Twilight I know, is the vampires. But then I googled it (I have done really good about not googling things lately). Here's the definition:

Twilight anesthesia is a type of anesthetic technique where a mild dose of general anesthesia is applied that affects the brain as well as the entire body. The patient is not unconscious, but sedated. During surgery or other medical procedures, the patient is under what is known as a "twilight state", where the patient is relaxed and "sleepy", able to follow simple directions by the doctor, and is responsive. Generally, twilight anesthesia causes the patient to forget the surgery and the time right after. It is used for a variety of surgical procedures and for various reasons. Just like regular anesthesia, "twilight anesthesia is designed to help a patient feel more comfortable and to minimize pain associated with the procedure being performed."

I think I am going to ask them if this is an option. I really really really don't want to be put to sleep :(

The other thing I am freaked about is insurance. I know that they approved my surgery. And they had previously approved five visits to see Dr S. I remember when they sent me the approval for the visits, there was something about October 31st. Now I am freaking (slightly) that when I show up for my pre op on Monday that the insurance won't cover it. But then I think logically, and I don't see why they wouldn't pay for it. I mean, they approved my surgery. And I am going to need pre op and post op appointments with my doctor. Duh.

If you have a second, please just say a prayer for me. Pray that God will calm my heart, and give the doctors wisdom during my surgery. Also, that the insurance may surprise me and be AWESOME. :)

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Day 24: where you live.

~Ellliston, Virginia~

This is where we live...for now. :)

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Day 23: a youtube video that makes you laugh.

Seriously about peed my pants the first time I watched this. It had extra meaning to me since I worked in a day care for two years. My class consisted of 8 two year olds...and I had three biters. :)

Friday, October 22, 2010

Day 22: a web site that has been meaningful since your loss.

Okay, you guys know what web site is coming...I've shared it before, and I'll share it again.

Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

This web site is awesome. :) There you will find a wonderful group of ladies. A ton of support, and most of all understanding.

If you have ever lost a child, this is the place for you!

Thursday, October 21, 2010


It's getting closer. Today is October 21st. It's the day (I'm pretty sure anyways) that Dr G put me on bed rest last October.

Soon it will be my due date... November 9th. The day I return to work after my surgery, and then before I can blink it will be November 13th. My little Angel's birthday.

It's getting closer...

Day 21: a recipe.

Preacher Cookies


  • 2 cups sugar
  • 4 tablespoons cocoa
  • 1 stick butter
  • 1/2 cup milk
  • 1 cup peanut butter
  • 1 tablespoon vanilla
  • 3 cups oatmeal
  • Waxed paper


In a heavy saucepan bring to a boil, the sugar, cocoa, butter and milk. Let boil for 2 1/2 minute then add peanut butter, vanilla and oatmeal. On a sheet of waxed paper, drop mixture by the teaspoonfuls, until cooled and hardened.


Wednesday, October 20, 2010

rain rain go away...

Today is one of those "blah" days. It's raining outside, it's freezing outside and in. It's just one of those days that I feel like going home, getting back in bed, and pulling the covers over my head.

I had a new feeling yesterday. One that I haven't experienced before - or if I have, it hasn't been for a really long time.

I was sitting at the drive thru at work...watching people going by. And a girl walked by carrying a baby car seat with a little boy inside. This baby was newborn. Couldn't be more than a few weeks old. You see, she works in the same building as me, but not for the same company. I've watched her waddle by the bank for MONTHS.

The feeling you ask? It wasn't was something different. When I saw her walking by with her little baby... I couldn't help but think about all the days I watched her walking by, all happy and pregnant...and now I'm seeing her walk by with her perfectly healthy baby boy.

It's hard not to ask God, why not me?? Why could I have had a perfectly healthy baby girl...why couldn't I take her home? Why couldn't I be walking out of the bank, after hours of showing off my little bundle to my coworkers? Why not me??

That was rough - and it hit me out of nowhere.

Another thing...remember Rick & Darla that I asked prayer for a few days back?? She is showing some improvement. Well, it's more like one step forward, two steps back. Check out Rick's sister's blog by clicking ::here::

I read something there today that really touched my heart. It is such a Rick thing to do. He learned of a baby that was recently born, and struggling. He asked his children if they were praying for others as they would want others to pray for their mom. Since learning of this little baby that's struggling, he has asked his children to pray for the baby before they pray for their mama. How touching and selfless is that??

Bleh...I just have so much on my heart today -  I can't get it out. :)

Day 20: a hobby of yours, and how it has changed since your loss.

Day 20 is a hobby of yours, and how it has changed since your loss.


Scrapbooking. I used to scrapbook like crazy. I loved it. I'd come up with all kinds of crazy creative things to do with them.
NOW...I struggle even to finish Lilly's scrapbook.
Scrapbooks are supposed to be filled with happiness. And though seeing my beautiful baby girl makes me happy (in a way), it breaks my heart every time.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Day 19: a talent of yours.

Day 19 is a talent of yours.


When I was five years old, my parents had me start taking piano lessons. They lasted for a few months short of twelve years.

I haven't *really* played in about 4-5 years, but when I think about it - I really miss it.

I love music, and though at first I didn't want to take lessons, I'm glad I did. I love the piano, and I love playing it. It's relaxing...

Maybe I'll pick it back up...?

Monday, October 18, 2010


So I was reading a post by Lori this morning. It was about a precious family who lost their daughter, Emma Grace. And how that they aren't able to afford a funeral for this little girl.

Then, there is the whole thing going on with Darla - who lost her little baby, and is now fighting for her life.

Oh, and don't forget about the family that buried their little one month old son "X" a few weeks back. The one month old that had a heart attack.

Maybe (before losing Lilly), I was oblivious like the world that surrounds us. I didn't realize that babies die. I never thought about women and men struggling with infertility.

And even since losing Lilly I am still oblivious to some of the costs.

I'm slightly embarrassed at all the help that we received after she died. The amount of money that was sent... the things that were taken care of without us having to do anything.

The funeral home that we chose doesn't charge (anything) for infant funerals. Otherwise it would have cost us several thousand dollars. We didn't even have to pay for her casket. We were given the number to a cemetary (where my great grandparents are buried) where they have donated plots.

Her headstone was a couple thousand dollars, but with all the donations we didn't have any out of pocket expense.

My doctor was/is amazing. I was only charged a small amount for my hospital stay and surgery. It's already paid off.

I feel incredibly blessed for the things that God has given us. I am thankful for the people that the Lord has sent into our lives.

And I hate that such tragic things are reminding me how greatly blessed we are.

Day 18: my wedding.

Day 18 my wedding, in pictures. Enjoy!

 *My mom gave me a scrapbook of my life just before the wedding began*

*Mother in law & Mother...doesn't even look like my mom. She's lost 50+ pounds since Clif and I got married*

*Clif & his cousin, Daniel, the best man*

*Me & all of my attendants*

*Me & Aleisha, my maid of honour and my best friend*

*The bride*

 *Aleisha,myself, Clif and Daniel*

*Exhausted after a long ceremony and hundreds of pictures*

*Me, my adorable Uncle Rufus & hubby*

*We had cousins come in from Texas for the wedding. From left to right, Cameron (brother in law), Jaquelyn & Debra, myself, Clif, mother in law Shelia, and Daniel*

*Did I ever mention we had four pastors involved in our wedding? From left to right, James, my dad, Foster, and Ted*

*The whole wedding party... minus the ring bearer*


*The cake - my mom called the day before the wedding and the lady had forgotten about the cake!*

*Aleisha & Me...eating chocolate cups, gift from Mrs.Black*

*Me & Daniel...I love him, but never would tell him! ha!*

Sunday, October 17, 2010

putting a face on loss.

Meet Rick & Darla. Missionaries to Papua New Guinea. Rick & Darla have seven children, one of which went to Heaven on Wednesday.

Darla miscarried their precious 7th child on Wednesday. She has been flown from PNG to Australia, where they will *hopefully* find help.

Rick's last post to facebook tells us that Darla is *still* not able to speak, but her motor skills are improving.

The cost they are looking at right now is right around 100 thousand dollars. And the money paid promises nothing.

Please pray for this precious family. No one knows what the days to come holds, but we DO know Who holds it.

Day 17: an art piece that moves you.

Day 17 is an art piece that moves you...

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Day 16: a song that makes you cry.

Day 16 is a song that makes you cry (or nearly). Here it is.

prayers for a friend.

To whoever reads this... I'm asking for your prayers. A friend of ours (also a missionary that our church supports) was pregnant with her 7th child. She was around four months along, and miscarried on Wednesday night. She is currently over seas.

Not only is the family grieving the loss of this precious child... but the mother, "D" is in critical condition. She is barely coherent and has been having seizures. She also has been given a pint of blood.

The doctors are wanting to to do a MRI/CT scan... but they are wanting the money up front.

Please please pray for this precious family. They have six living children, the oldest soon to be 18 years old. The youngest being a little over a year. "D" Was actually pregnant with him while I was pregnant with Lilly. :) We got to spend some time together before they headed back to PNG, what a blessing it was. That's the last we saw them.

Again...please pray. They need it! Thanks to you all in advance...

Friday, October 15, 2010

October 15th...

Today is National Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day. I never wanted to be part of this group. To be quite honest... it sucks.

Tonight I am remembering my precious baby girl, Lillian Joy Smith... my perfect angel gone from this earth too soon.

Though I am hurting...and this day is a reminder of what I do not have. Though today is a reminder of all the people effected by miscarriage,stillbirth, and infant loss...I am proud. Proud to be her Mommy.

Along with remembering my baby girl, I'm remembering the precious little ones of many MANY friends too. You all are in my thoughts and prayers today.

Day 15: what you like about your house.

Day 15 is what I like about my house.

Right now, I like that it's mine. :) Even though it can be stressful at times, I like being a home owner. I haven't mentioned this...mainly because I didn't want to get my hopes up.

But, after like three months of no one calling about the house...or coming to look at it, a couple came to look at it on Saturday. They really liked it. They are pre approved for a loan, and are looking to buy soon. It's bitter sweet.

Our realtor said that they will more than likely be putting a contract on it. *sigh* I want to sell and get away from the area. I think it'll be good to have a fresh start, but there will be a lot of pain before the fresh start begins.

Please pray with us that if it be God's will, that we will sell our house soon. And that He may lead us to where He wants us to be in the future.


Thursday, October 14, 2010

Day 14: a non-fictional book that is meaningful to you since your loss.

Day 14 is a non fictional book that has been meaningful to me since my loss.

"I Will Carry You" - by Angie Smith... hands down.

Even though Lilly we were never given a fatal diagnosis with Lilly (Like Angie was with her daughter, Audrey)...this book was more than comforting to me.

If you haven't read it, I highly suggest that you do. You will smile, you might even laugh... and I guarantee that you will cry. But it is an amazing book.

Angie's emotions and feelings jump off the pages at you as you read about her early married years, miscarriages, and then finally the loss of their precious Audrey.

You can also find Angie's blog by clicking ::here::

Below are the lyrics to the song made popular by Selah. Angie's husband sings with the group.

I Will Carry You (Audrey's Song)

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this
So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One who's chosen me
To carry you
Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says
I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One who's chosen Me
To carry you

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Day #334

Today marks three hundred and thirty four days since we said goodbye.

Eleven months.

Even now...eleven months since the moment I heard the words every mother prays she'll never hear... It still feel as if it were just yesterday.

For now, my memories remain vivid. I'm terrified those memories will fade. I am afraid that I will forget. There aren't many things to hang on to...

I will never forget her...


Day 13: a fictional book that is meaningful to you since your loss.

Day 13 - a fictional book that has been meaningful to me since my loss.

Probably "The Shack". That book put a whole new spin on grief for me. And I really believe that it helped me a lot.

You can read my take on "The Shack"  *here*

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Day 12: something i am ocd about.

Day 12 is something I am OCD about.

I'd have to say money. Like actual paper money.

As I've said before... I'm work in a bank.

I hate hate hate for the money in my drawer to be turned different ways. It drives me bonkers. I've gotten better though... when I first started (almost three years I would turn all the bills the same way, and then sort them by color. You know how like the old five dollar bills are white, but the new ones have big purple 5's on them? Yeah. It was bad.

...and then the world comes crashing down.

Before I even begin, let me just say: if you tend to shy away when it comes to the subject of death, don't read any further. Better yet, if you don't know where to put the emotions that a babies death brings to surface, you probably want to click that "x" at the top right corner now.

This post is full of nothing but raw, nasty emotions. If you are to faint at heart, turn back now.

It's midnight. I should be sleeping. I have to be up at 6:45 and at work by 8:00. But you want to know what I have just finished doing??

Completely (in every sense of the word) losing it. For the last *almost* two hours. Do you know how long it's been since I had a full out melt down? Where I just cried, sobbed...shook with grief? Let's just say it's been a long time.

I have one thing to say: Leave it to the Lifetime Network. >.< Yeah yeah, I know...why in the world am I watching Lifetime movies while Clif is at work? Once you get past the horrible acting, some of the movies aren't completely horrible.

Anyways...I was watching one tonight, I don't even remember what it was called. And at the end of the movie the mother hugs her teenage daughter and tells her that she is proud of her.
That last line hit me like a ton of bricks. Instant tears sprung to my eyes, and my heart began to beat out of my chest. I will never have the chance to tell my daughter I am proud of her. In fact...there are a lot of things that I will never be able to tell her. Or to watch her do.

I never heard her cry. I never even got to see her take a breath. I'll go the rest of my life not even knowing what color my daughters eyes are. I wonder if her hair would have turned blond like mine did when I was a baby? Who would she have looked like when she got older?

Not only am I finishing up one of the biggest pity parties I've had in a long time, I just finished watching Lilly's funeral for the first time.

There were so many things that I don't even remember from that day. Everything was a blur.
I went through everything tonight. I sat in the floor, with everything she ever touched in a 12x18 box. I saw her hair, her hospital clothes...her hand & foot prints. Her hospital ID bracelet. Have I ever said here that she was "born" at 10:49am?

The guest book is among the things that I've never looked at, until tonight. Do you know how unbelievably difficult it is to read that your child was born and died the same day?

I really lost it while reading through the list of guests. There was one that I don't recall seeing at the funeral that day. His name is "J"...I used to call him Granddaddy. He is the grandfather of my ex. Oh how I loved this man (the grandfather that is! :) It killed me when we cut ties when "D" and I broke up. But *almost* a year later, it meant the world to me to know that he was there.

Her funeral. It was beautiful...and long. :) Clif and I are known for long services of any time. Our wedding ceremony was almost an hour and a half long. Lilly's funeral. 54 minutes.

I watched as we (the family) were brought in. I saw (again) the faces of all our heartbroken family members. The dazed look. I watched as the funeral directors shot me glances of pity.
So many things came rushing back to me as I watched the DVD tonight. Gina, the one that prepared Lilly's tiny body. What a precious woman! Lilly was her first infant...and she was so kind and considerate. She made a special trip out to buy Johnson & Johnson lotion, just so Lilly would smell like a baby. I don't think that anyone will ever know how much that meant to me.

I'm sure I've written this before - but there was probably right at five hundred people that came to Lilly's funeral. When Clif and I were brought into the sanctuary the whole building was full. There were actually people STANDING in the back. How amazing that a precious little girl who never breathed a breath on earth could be loved and cared for as much as Lilly.

After we were seated, "Glory Baby" was played. I wish I could have seen people's faces while the song played. I know that several people asked where in the world I had found such a fitting song.

Next, my dad spoke. How brave. I know if I had been in his position, I wouldn't have been able to stand in front of those people and keep it all together. After dad finished up, a pastor friend of ours "F" sang two songs. One I don't know the name of, and the second was "Jesus Loves Me". He sang acapella. The first and second verse by himself, and the chorus he asked the congregation to join in.

I can't tell you how moving it was to hear a room full of people singing Jesus loves me...

Watching the video reminded me of how blessed Clif and I truly are. It reminded me of the love that surrounded us during those tough days.
Those days are still here...and I don't think that a lot of people see that. They don't recognize that we are still very much in pain. That we still think of her every second of every day. That on top of losing her, and mourning her death - we are also facing infertility. People are oblivious to our pain. And I don't blame them. I myself am guilty of looking in the other direction with things get tough. I'd rather it be awkward than to actually have to face the music.

As I type these words, left over tears stream down my face. I'm sitting at home, alone,in bed, at twelve thirty in the morning, eyes swollen, hair a mess, nose running...wrapped in the blanket my dead daughter was wrapped in the first time I saw her. And the last.

Tonight, more that usual, I am grasping for the few things that are left of her. Anything that she may have of which I'll always have with me, my heart.

I'm missing you tonight little girl, more than I have in a long time...

Monday, October 11, 2010


I am SO very excited! I just finished ordering my "I am the Face" hoodie from :) CANNOT wait for it to get here. I even paid extra shipping so I could get it before the SHARE Walk To Remember on October 23rd.

I love the fact that they made it possible to customize the hoodie :) I was able to add Lilly's name on the back... which makes it so much more personal!

Speaking of the SHARE walk. I'm pretty excited about it too. I'm not sure how many people will be there - I'm sure it won't be many. I mean, after all... it's for infant loss. Most people stray away from the subject.

I know that I have several people that will be walking with Clif and me. The list of people include, both of my parents, my niece, my friend Kristy, and possibly my friends Aleisha & Joe.

I wish I had heard about it sooner - I would have asked people in my church to walk with me. :) Oh well, I'm thankful for those who have said they'll walk with me.

I would say that I'm looking forward to the walk, but that doesn't sound right. I'm looking forward to honoring my baby girl... I am not looking forward to seeing so many people with so much pain in their hearts. A pain that I know oh so well.

If you live in our area, and are interested in walking with us in the SHARE Walk To Remember, please call 266-6000 to register. Registration is free. When you call, just let them know that you're calling to register for the SHARE walk on October 23rd at 10am. They'll send you a confirmation letter in the mail :)


By the way - if you want to order something from the faces of loss page on, if you order today you can get 14% off your entire order by using the promo code: 1492COLUMBUS

I ordered my hoodie, customized, and special shipping for $40.09!

Day 11: a photo taken recently.

Day 11 - a photo of you recently and how it makes you feel seeing it now.

This picture was taken in July, during our vacation at the beach. I stood in the surf, watching footprints in the sand being washed away. All I could think about was how something can be there one second, and the's gone. In a blink of an eye every little piece of existance is gone. Just like that.

Just like her.

I don't think I need to explain how this picture makes me feel...

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Day 10 - a photo taken over 10 years ago.

Day 10 - a photo taken over 10 years ago of you and how it makes you feel seeing it now.

These pictures make me smile. :) But they also make me sad in a way. The first picture... I promise, if you had seen Lilly in person - she looked indentical to me when I was a baby. Weird.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Blog Award.

Ok, I'm a little late posting this... but I've been busy. And let me just be completely honest and say that the only reason I've kept up with this "30 blogs in 30 days" thing is because I've been scheduling the posts a few days in advance. :) I know, I'm a cheater. But I really wanted to do it!

Anyways...a couple of weeks ago a blogger friend of mine (Annette) nominated me for the lovely blog award :)

Here are the rules:
1. Accept the award and post it on your blog with the name of the person who has granted the award and his/her blog link.

2. Pay it forward to 10 other bloggers that you have newly discovered.

3. Contact those blog owners and let them know they have been chosen
I nominate the following....
1)Annette at Valentina In The Sky
2)Kristin at Dear Stevie...
3)Car at Hello Goodbye
4)Jen at Lily's Mommy Forever
5)Lori at Lori Does Maryland
6)Aleisha at My New Life
7)Kelsea at Overwhelmed By Grace
8)Hannah at Rose & Her Lily
9)Carolyn at The Croley Gang
10)Trennia at Still Serving Him Through The Storm

Day 9: a picture taken after your loss.

Day 9 is a picture taken after your loss.
Clif and I both got memorial tattoos after we lost Lilly. Mine was done by Brian Gray, and Clif had his done by a family friend, Andy Conner. They both work at Ally Cat Tattoo. Wanna visit their facebook? Click ::here::
A few weeks back, I had my tattoo finished  a few weeks by Christina at Blue Lotus. To visit her Myspace (a little behind times I think) click ::here::
I know some people frown upon tattoos...but we really like ours. Something very special to both of us :) We'll always have a reminder of our sweet Lilly with us.

Friday, October 8, 2010

Day 8: a photo that makes you sad or angry.

Every time I look at this picture I have so many emotions that flood my body. I feel pain, my heart hurts... I am sad... I am angry. I am confused. Though I feel peace over her death, I still have my days.

This photo makes me sad.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

what's going on?

A few things that don't have to do with my infertility...or my loss. :)

I've had a good few days here recently. And I'm so thankful for the change.

Tuesday night we had my *best* (guy...other than Clif) over for dinner. :) It had been a really long time since we had hung out. I really enjoyed it. He ("Jim") was his normal self, which means...he was right around 30-45 minutes late. That's so him. I made baked ziti (one of my new found favorite dishes!) and garlic bread. YUM. I can't tell you enough how good it was to see him. We've been friends for...well, about 22 years. I have pictures of us together in our church nursery. We've come a long way since then. And though there has been a lot that's happened over the years, and we've drifted...we know we'll always be friends. And that we'll always be there for one another. :) Jim also works with my that makes it nice.

Wednesday proved to be a decent day as well. I have to work (for three hours...not so bad) on Saturday so I got a half day off. My mom and I went to C'burg to shop. It was my daddy's birthday (and brothers) and I went gift shopping. Though, I came back pretty much empty handed. I did find my dad something. But it ended up not working, so I have to take it back. Boo. :) We went to church last night, and then Clif and I went home, took showers...and cuddled up in bed and watched Law & Order SVU (our favorite!) and ate Ramen noodles. I never really tried them with an open mind...maybe it was because you can get a pack for like 10 cents. I don't know. But Clif absolutely loves them...and I found that I actually like them too! Though,
I won't be eating them to often. Does anyone know how much sodium is in one pack of those things?!

And finally, tonight. Clif called me at work today to see if I wanted to go to Bdubs (buffalo wild wings). I hesitated, because I had already planned on cooking. And I didn't get off until six tonight...and then I was like, what am I thinking? Why would I want to go home and cook after a long day of work when the husband is offering to take me out? Of course...he only wants to go because it's 65 cent boneless wings tonight. Ha! Anyways...we're going with our new(er) friends, "A" & "B". Looking forward to it :)

On top of all that...I AM OFF ON MONDAY! yay. :) Thank you Columbus!! Hope all is well...

Day 7: photo that makes you smile.

Day 7 is a picture that makes you happy. I (of course) couldn't choose just one. If you know me outside of blogger world, you know that I absolutely LOVE pictures. My house is covered in them. In fact, I love pictures so much...I am *still* thinking about taking a photography class. Maybe next year. I don't know. It'd be something to keep my mind occupied. While doing what I love. :)

Below are four pictures that make me smile every time I look at them.

The first is a picture of my sweet Lilly Bean. :) I think that it really captures her true beauty and innocence.

The second picture is of me & Clif. It was taken the day after we were married. In Tennessee. At the worst restaurant in the world. But we were happy. (And still are). Every time I look at it, I can't help but smile. We've come so far from that day.

The third has a specialness to me :) Feet and I have a love hate relationship. I hate to touch them, or for them to touch me. (I guess baby feet are an exception...I tend to tickle & kiss baby feet). But I've always had this weird fascination with taking pictures of my feet. Ever since I was little. Don't ask me why. So when the nurses gave me the disk full of 60+ pictures I couldn't help but smile at all the pictures of her feet.

And the fourth. :) The day we found out that we were having a beautiful little girl. The day we named her "Lillian Joy". Every time I think of that day I smile. I can still see and smell the little ultrasound room. I can still see Clif standing beside me and holding my hand. I can feel the warm jelly on my tummy. I'll never forget the time moment "V" said, "you see those three little white lines? You're having a girl!" I remember the tears of joy that ran down my cheek. My perfect baby girl.

I know these pictures aren't new. You've all probably seen them one or twice. But they are all dear to my heart.

And they make me smile.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

heavy hearted.

Okay, I know that this is my third post of the day. BUT... I had to write this, since it is heavy on my heart today.

Remember a few days ago when I asked prayer for the family that lost the one year old??

Well...he wasn't one year old.

He was one MONTH old. Big difference.

This little boy that was one month old had a bowel obstruction. His bowels backed up and he had a heart attack. A one year old.

*sigh* Please pray for the "S" family today as they have to endure the pain of a funeral for their little boy.

Day 6: twenty things that calm me.

Hm twenty things that calm goes nothing!

1.) Prayer.
2.) Reading my Bible.
3.) Talking to Clif.
4.) Having my back rubbed.
5.) Having my hair played with.
6.) Music.
7.) Bubble baths.
8.) Conversation with good friends.
9.) Laughter.
10.) A good cup of coffee.
11.) A good cry.
12.) Scrapbooking.
13.) A long walk.
14.) Singing.
15.) Blogging.
16.) Shopping :)
17.) Mowing grass.
18.) Cleaning.
19.) Long talks.
20.) Baking.

Happy Birthday Dad!

Today is my dad's birthday. Happy birthday Dad, love you!!!

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Day 5: favorite quote.

Day five is favorite quote day. I read this quote in the newspaper yesterday and loved it! :)

"Sometimes even to live is an act of courage" ~ Seneca the Younger

Monday, October 4, 2010

my name is Desiree, and I'm not afraid to say it.

Can I just say that I think hiding behind an anonymous name is cowardly?? Here is a comment that was left on my blog last night. I have reason to believe that it's someone I know. There were several anonymous comments yesterday. The first one I know is someone who knows me. This one, I'd like to think that it's a stranger... but it's a little odd that my post would have brought on something like this from someone who doesn't know me. Here is the comment that was not published to my blog.

"I only left one comment (the 2nd anonymous comment) So apparently you have 2 people that think you are ridiculous. I don't know the people you are talking about. Did you even think about what you wrote in your last comment? And you call yourself a Christian? Maybe you need to work on yourself and your mental issues before you attempt to bring a child into your chaos. And you are disrespecting your dead baby. If you died would your mom put pictures of your dead body online for the world to see? Poor Lilly! "

You can mess with me all day long - but when you go talking about my "dead baby", that's when I get upset. I wasn't mad. I was crushed. Crushed that someone could be filled with such hate. It's actually pretty sad.

I am honoring my daughter the best way I know how. If you don't like it...don't read it. It's as simple as that.

Day 4: book.

Day four is a favorite book. Has it changed since your loss??

My favorite book hands down is the Bible. And no, it hasn't changed since Lilly died. My connection to the Book has only grown stronger.

A specific verse I cling to, as most of you know, is: Jeremiah 29:11. He knows the plans that He has for us!!

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Day 3: tv show.

Day three is about a tv show that helped you get through hard times or moved you.

Laugh if you want, but 7th Heaven. When Lucy lost her babies... wow.

Clif and I watched the whole series on Hallmark after Lilly died.

Day 2: a movie.

Day 2 is a movie that has helped you get through the hard times, or one that jumped out at you after your loss.

This is a tough one.

One that pops into my mind is Marley & Me. I watched it while I was pregnant. I can't tell you how upset I was when Jennifer Aniston (don't remember her name in the movie) miscarried the baby. But there was hope, even in the movies. :)

I try to avoid movies that remind me of anything to do with my Lilly.

Day 1: a song.

I think the song that reminds me most of Lilly is "Glory Baby".

I've said before that for the last few weeks before I went on bed rest... all I listened to in my car was my Watermark CD.

I listened to the song "Glory Baby" over and over again. And don't know why. Looking back, it should have upset me...scared me. But it didn't. I remember thinking about how beautiful the song was.

As the nurse walked me to the operating room for my c-section, this song was running through my head. I knew in that instant that I wanted it to be played at her funeral...below are the lyrics.

"Glory Baby" by: Watermark

Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..

You were growing, what happened dear?

You disappeared on us baby…baby..

Heaven will hold you before we do

Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…

Until we’re home with you…

Miss you everyday

Miss you in every way

But we know there’s a

day when we will hold you

We will hold you

You’ll kiss our tears away

When we’re home to stay

Can’t wait for the day when we will see you

We will see you

But baby let sweet Jesus hold you

‘till mom and dad can hold you…

You’ll just have heaven before we do

You’ll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little babies, it’s hard to

understand it ‘cause we’re hurting

We are hurting

But there is healing

And we know we’re stronger people through the growing

And in knowing-

That all things work together for our good

And God works His purposes just like He said He would…

Just like He said He would…

I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies

and what they must sound like

But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home

And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…

30 posts in 30 days :) *and probably a few in between* I saw this on a fellow bloggers page today and thought I'd join in the fun. :) I'll have to catch bare with me!

Day 1 - a song that reminds you of your child, or one that you can't listen to anymore and why.

Day 2 - a movie that helped you get through the hard times, or one that jumps out at you after your loss.

Day 3 - a television program that helped you either get through hard times or that moves you.

Day 4 - your favorite book. has it changed since your loss?

Day 5 - your favorite quote.

Day 6 - twenty things that calm you.

Day 7 - a photo that makes you happy.

Day 8 - a photo that makes you angry/sad.

Day 9 - a photo you took since your loss.

Day 10 - a photo taken over 10 years ago of you and how it makes you feel seeing it now.

Day 11 - a photo of you recently and how it makes you feel seeing it now.

Day 12 - something you are OCD about.

Day 13 - a fictional book that is meaningful to you since your loss.

Day 14 - a non-fictional book that is meaningful to you since your loss.

Day 15 - what you like about your house.

Day 16 - a song that makes you cry (or nearly).

Day 17 - an art piece (drawing, sculpture, painting, etc) that moves you.

Day 18 - my wedding/future wedding/past wedding.

Day 19 - a talent of yours.

Day 20 - a hobby of yours and how it changed since your loss.

Day 21 - a recipe.

Day 22 - a website that has been meaningful since your loss.

Day 23 - a youtube video that makes you laugh.

Day 24 - where you live

Day 25 - your day, in great detail

Day 26 - your week, in great detail

Day 27 - your worst habit since your child's death.

Day 28 - what's in your handbag/purse

Day 29 - hopes, dreams, and plans for the next 365 days

Day 30 - a dream for the future

Saturday, October 2, 2010

up to *here* with it.

I am fed up with feeling sorry for myself. But on the other hand, I don't know how to move past it.

I'm stuck.

How can I move on? I avoid pregnant women. I avoid women with babies. I avoid people in general. And on top of that... people avoid me. People I know. People who haven't said two words to me since Lilly died. I hate this feeling.

People walk around on eggshells around me. They look at me as if I am going to lose "it" (whatever "it" is) at any moment.

Well newsflash for you. I might just lose it. I might cry. I might want what you have. But that's okay.

My daughter died. I'm hurting...and I think I always will in some way or another. But I don't deserve to be treated like a stranger. I don't deserve to be ignored. And I don't deserve to be treated like I'm five.

The world hasn't stopped because of my loss. Men and women still fall in love. Those women still get pregnant...and they still have perfectly healthy babies. They still grow their families. And they're still happy.

Maybe I'm not "happy" per say. Maybe I'm still trying to sort through a lot. But don't ignore me. It just makes it worse.

Where did this come from?? Well...someone I know had a baby not to long after I had Lilly. I saw the baby with the grandparents in Wal*Mart last night. I have a very good feeling that they saw me - but it was like I had the plague. Like it hurt them to even look at me.

Again. I hate this feeling.

And you know what another feeling I hate is?? I don't know what to call it, but I sure know how to describe it.

I hate that because I am completely BROKEN (yes still) over my daughters death that people are continuously trying to attack me. Using every little instance to try and "get back" at me for grieving.

Let me just say that I know several people who never liked my choice of friends. Some friends even voiced their dislike of others. So... I know how they feel about them. Or at least used to.

This is going to be confusing, but I feel that I have to be vague. Why? Because I don't want to be accused of name calling on my blog.

Let me just set the scene.

A few years back, my best friend announced that she was getting married. I was floored. She was getting married to someone that I had never met (until minutes before telling me). Though I wasn't thrilled... I was happy for her. And jumped on the band wagon.

A lot happened between the initial announcement of their marriage and their wedding.

By the time they were married, my friend and I were no longer speaking.

I went to their wedding, probably for selfish reasons more than any. I didn't want to be accused of not being there - and I just wanted to see how things played out. So I went. I was not kind. I didn't speak an ill word towards her, but as they say... looks speak a thousand words.

I will not say that I didn't speak ill things of her to others. I did. I was hurt (as was she). I felt betrayed. I had lost my best friend.

In October of 2009, just days before my daughter passed away, this estranged friend of mine contacted me. She sent me a box full of gifts for mine and Clif's bundle of joy. She also sent a letter. I caved. I sent her a letter back. We started texting back & forth - and then finally we had our first phone conversation in almost a year since they had been married.

At this point and time they had a daughter...our now goddaughter.

I missed their daughter being born. I wasn't there for her when I know that I should have been.

I saw my friend for the first time in almost a year two days before I went into the hospital for my induction. I can't tell you how happy I was. We had made amends.

I found out last week that this friend is pregnant again. Now before you guys comment with the "oh Desiree I'm so sorry...this must be so hard on you's" don't. Yes, it's going to be hard watching my best friend become a mother for the second time. But I'm thrilled for her. And I want her to know that. This situation is in no way about me. I am praying & hoping for a smooth, healthy pregnancy...and a beautiful healthy baby.

Why all of this?? Well now I'm finally getting to my point.

This is one of those instances that I feel is being used against me. As I've said several times over the last few months - I know several people that are pregnant. One of these "preggos" doesn't particularly "like" my said friend. It's been a competition...for, oh I don't know...since I was 17. But anyways...

Since the news of my friend being pregnant was announced, this person who doesn't particularly "like" her... has befriended her. If that's what you want to call it.

I will say here and now...maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it's all innocent. But I highly doubt it.

I view this instance as "Oh, "A" is pregnant now...that's going to put a strain on her relationship with Desiree. Let's see if I can slip in a few things to make it look like "A" and I are friends...since well, we have so much in common now. I mean, we are both pregnant! Maybe just maybe I can try and turn Desiree against "A". Hm, I don't really like "A" but it's a shot."

Well here is some news. It's not going to work. Pretend like you're her friend if you want. All three of us know the truth.

My friend being pregnant is NOT going to come between her and me. I intend on praying for her on a daily basis, I plan on being there for her whenever she needs me...and I plan on being around when she brings her second baby into the world.

Whew. Taking a deep breath.

Once again...I hate this feeling. I guess I did find a name for it, it's called attack.

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